


Pathways

by Gweargroal



Series: Broken Souls universe [2]
Category: Naruto
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-24
Updated: 2017-09-24
Packaged: 2019-01-04 15:53:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 13
Words: 57,650
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12172047
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gweargroal/pseuds/Gweargroal
Summary: Post-War - What happens when pages of our life turn? Understanding what it is to be a shinobi is an hard-seeking truth, which everyone can not do. - Sequel to Broken Souls - Kakairu***There was an odd editing thingy that happened with chapter 8. It has been arranged, and so the story will now make sense! Sorry about that.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is the sequel of Broken Souls. Please note that it is darker and can be hard to read compared to the first one. You have been warned. Still, I want you to enjoy this story as much as I did writing it, even though there were some parts I didn't know at the time what would become of my life. It helped sort things out. I wish it does for you too, reader.
> 
> Take care,
> 
> Gwear

His mother used to say that he was born from the sea, taking its patience and strength with him. As a young boy, he had not understood what she meant, but the words had made sense over the years as he fulfilled his shinobi life. He knew that he was kind of patient, but had always wondered for the strength. He had not been able to be one of the strongest of his class, yet his strategic mind had always been at its finest.

Though, the years brought him another point of view: as a shinobi, he could bring other people to their death. It was one of his strength, just like the sea could do so. Even if he did not always wanted to bring death, yet he could. It was part of being a shinobi, and he tried to not think too much about it. Because he hated it. It was part of what he was still working on, even after all those years.

And through this mission, he hoped he would be strong enough to not bring anyone to his death. It had been many days now that they were making their way to the Land of Iron. It should have had taken less time than this, but to find someone who had a boat to transport them there had been harder than what they thought at first.

Izumo moved by his side, changing his position again in a way that seemed even more uncomfortable. The boat was not big, used mostly by an old man who used to fish.

“What’s the matter with him?” asked Raidou, putting away his over-than-ready kunais. Iruka had found out that this man liked to be prepared for any eventuality. Well, every sensed shinobi would be, but Namiashi Raidou sure was on an other level. He was protecting the Hokage, after all.

“He’s seasick. He’s always like that when we have to cross any land of water.”

“I see. Is he capable of fighting in that state?”

“Just do as if I wasn’t there, please,” came an annoyed voice. “I just have nausea, I don’t have chakra depletion.” Iruka tried not to laugh, while Raidou shook his head. “Once I’m off that boat, I’ll be happy again.”

“I was just trying to spare you some talk, ‘Zumo.” The scarred jounin took out a map from his pack. “Anyway, we’re only gonna reach the rendez-vous point in some hours.”

Iruka studied the map briefly, tracing all the distance they had made, departing from Fire country to end up in Water country, renting a boat to a mostly blind and deaf man referred by their Intel team. “The sea never lies to the soul, young men,” was the only cryptic explanation they were told when they met him. And that was suppose to reassure them.

“While the meeting take place, I want you guys to be alert. ‘Zumo,” started Raidou again, waiting for a small ‘yes’ to be heard, “you’ve got the photographic memory. Remember what I ask you?”

“Yes, Raidou. I was not put at the head of the mission desk for nothing,” Izumo replied in a lazy voice. If he was challenging Kakashi for the laziest looking man on earth, he was clearly winning if you would ask Iruka. He was surprised by the familiarity his friend showed with Namiashi; having higher clearance in Konoha administration did have its perks.

“Iruka, you remember what we talked about?” went on Raidou, studying intently the ponytail haired chuunin.

Iruka's hands became sweaty, remembering exactly what he was referring to. He didn't like the tone his captain had, but he could not take it out on him; Raidou needed to be sure he had everything secured, and Iruka could be a loose end.

“Iruka,” repeated Raidou again, more gently.

Iruka took some seconds before looking in the dark brown, almost black eyes, feeling Izumo pressing his back against his leg in some form of moral support, he supposed. “Yes, Raidou, the job will be done. I've got everything under control,” he answered, narrowing his eyes slightly.

“Good. So from what we know, there’s only a few people working with him. Some samurais and his medical corps. I doubt there will be anything happening during the meeting. But once we’ll be out there, it’s for sure that we’ll hear about it.

“If it is disrupt by anything, be it a missing nin, a natural disaster, or whatever you want, protect Mifune at all cost, and we’ll meet at the western outpost and follow the protocol. I trust you, guys.”

And he was trusting them, Iruka knew it. Yet, he could not shake off the strange vibes he was getting from him. Somehow, he felt that it was because of Kakashi that his mission captain did trust him really.

They knew each other from the silver haired jounin, but had never talked, only maybe greeted each other awkwardly while Kakashi was leaving to join him. It was to say that he had a hard time to link with his lover’s friends, starting back then with Asuma that had never truly took time to know him, even with Kurenai trying to help. Genma was nice, but other than that, they had not much common friends.

The two of them simply sat in a thoughtful silence, Raidou studying his map, Iruka looking at the water. Izumo tried to change his position again, slumped between their packs not to far from the humming old man.

“There, young lads. The sea has brought you to port!” chimed the fisherman, his gravely voice rumbling through the air.

In front of them was a small looking beach, just at the border of a little wood. There was no snow yet, but Iruka knew that it wouldn’t be too long with this temperature.

***

Kakashi had always like kissing. He was not sure if it was because his lips were mostly covered all the time by the black fabric of his mask, or if it was because of the way Iruka’s chiseled ones felt as he kissed him back. Neither to say, his body was responding in a matter of time, sending his head spinning with desire and his blood rushing down to a lowest part of his body.

“Come on, Kakashi, let me work!” the younger man chuckled as he felt the kisses and nibbling on his neck.

“Come on, Iruka,” answered Kakashi with a husky voice, “take a break. I promise it’ll be worth your time...”

Pale hands were roaming under his shirt seductively, his skin crawling in pleasure. And if it had only been his skin it would have been easier to keep a cleared head. “Oh, I know that.” His hand scoop up his lover’s chin for him to turn and kiss him deeply, tongues playing together for some seconds. “I know that, ‘Kashi,” he whispered tenderly.

The jounin pouted. He knew this tone: his Sensei would not change his decision. “Okay, then. What are you working on?”

“Some theoretical research I’m doing about chakra wires and explosive tags. It should keep me teaching for some years.” The chuunin smiled as he saw Kakashi absorbed by the papers as he started reading them.

“I recognize a genius when I see one,” mumbled Kakashi, forgetting completely his first task that had taken him out of his Icha Icha reading. “It’s a shame that you have to prove yourself that much to keep your job.”

“Hmm.” He took hold of the strong arms as they circled him. “That’s the price for peace, I suppose. We don’t need as much effective as we used too, and the Hokage can’t do a thing about it. Even you have a hard time finding missions worth the pay.”

Kakashi kissed his head. “Yeah, but I’m one special case. Who cares, anyway. I’ll be retired soon enough, they don’t need me anymore.”

And Iruka could not tell if there was bitterness in his voice, his lips pinched in a thin smile as he wondered about it.

***

A loud noise jerked him awake, the kunai hidden between the mattress and the base of the bed in his left hand in a defensive stance. Looking at his wall for a long minute with sleepy eyes, Kakashi wondered what was happening. He could hear his neighbors yelling and swearing insanities, throwing things and smashing in his wall. Again. Sighing, he simply put the kunai back in its place before he turned, his right arm looking for Iruka on the right side of his bed, so his man could finish what he was just doing.

But Iruka’s side of the double sized bed was cold and empty. Oh, Sharingan no Kakashi realized. Iruka had, indeed, left two weeks ago for his duties, and his groggy mind of a genius had forgotten, having just come back from a way too long mission and dragged himself tiredly to his bed. He had fallen asleep with his shinobi outfit, dirty and smelling.

Sitting, he scratched his head grumpily, feeling his need down in his pants. With a grunt, he made his way toward his bathroom, fiddling with his black boxers once he was able to unbuttoned his pants. He rested his head against the cabinet fixed on the wall at his head level, trying to remember the dream he just had, his now cold hands discouraging him.

Iruka taking the lead – pleasuring him in ways that Yamato had not been this good at. His mind was great at remembering him what he missed dearly, the fun he and his chuunin had by simply being together, sharing and understanding one another, by being honest.

That day, when he had asked his lover to be on top, he had been sure he would have been greeted with a ‘no’. He had seen the uncertainty in his deep brown eyes for a moment. It had been there, even if he knew Iruka clearly wanted it. Maybe it was from remembering _her_ , maybe it was simply because he had never done it that way. Yet, he knew for sure that his lover liked it. So much for him to be away that long.

He would clearly be happy to remember his noisy neighbors that they were not alone.

***

“My husband has been waiting for you. Please enter,” curtly said the tall lady, her blue eyes cold as steel as she straightened her back after opening a small wooden door. Iruka knew that she was strong, her stance right and solid, ready at any moment to draw her katana and fight back with all she had. She was not a woman to mess with.

After some hours of running at a good pace through the tundra, they had finally reached an underground entrance hidden by a bundle of rocks, before meandering through empty, cold and dry tunnels lead by Mifune’s wife. They had not meet anyone other than her and the samurai protecting her.

She had been arrogant since they first met. Or was it simply some resentment, Iruka could not tell. After all, the decision Mifune had taken back then had given birth to a drastic situation and put their lands into chaos.

“Thank you, Naomi-sama,” simply answered Raidou with respect, bowing his head, before leading his three man-cell in the room, the lady closing the door behind them.

It took time to adjust to the badly lit room, and slowly Iruka was able to discern a figure seated behind a small table. “Please sit, we don’t have much time,” said a raspy voice, before a deep cough silenced him. As Iruka sat in front of the old man, he could see how the sickness had ravaged the once strong body, now defined by gaunt cheeks and sallow skin. “You were not followed or seen? Good. I’m surprised that the Uchiha that serves you as the Hokage accepted to help us...”

“Konoha is deeply redeemable for the help you’re troops gave us in the Fourth War, Mifune-sama,” simply answered Raidou. He waited patiently, lips pinched, as another fit of cough took the old samuraï.

“I see,” breathed out Mifune. He eyed his wife for a second before putting some torn papers on the table, while the sound of the door being opened and closed was heard. “And yet you are not in the grasp of a civil war today. Honor is still holding you together, and, I suppose, a sense of unity in your country.”

The three men looked at the door opening again as another row of deep cough troubled the man, studying Naomi kneeling at the side of her husband, handing out a steaming wooden mug and helping him to drink. “Thank you, my love,” Mifune whispered tiredly, taking a few whistling breath.

None of the shinobi could hear what she whispered back, but they could easily see all the love she held in her eyes and in the small, sad smile she made for him. Yet, as she sat back near him yet at a respectful distance, her eyes became hard again, her small lips becoming a curt line and her piercing eyes observing the three shinobis with - Iruka clearly seeing it now - mistrust.

“I am sorry for the inconvenience my sickness is bringing you. Here,” Mifune handed a scroll to Raidou, which gave it to Izumo. “This is a letter I need you to bring to the Hokage and the instructions for your infiltration mission. I suggest that you burn the scrolls if you are to be captured; they'll simply think that you are some missing nin that were sent in a meager attempt to overthrown them.

"My son’s troops were able to find out one of our enemies’ biggest hideout, but is in no posture to get there. Somehow what you will find will help us to fight back what little government they could install through the chaos. You need to know that they are planning something against your kind, shinobis; the opposition is angry that we took action in your war.”

“Can we trust the men you are working with, Mifune-sama?” asked Iruka, bowing his head.

“Other than my son and my wife, there’s only a few of my trusted men still alive. I can spare no one to back you up. Either you make it, or we are all doomed.”

***

The night was mostly silent, grasshoppers chirping being the only noise that could be heard. The moon shone with its silver light, giving the clearing an eerie look. So far, chakra sensing and his ninken detected nothing.

“Sure it’s the right place?” he asked Genma through shinobi hand signs.

Genma’s lips became a thin line. “Yes, same place as last time,” answered the tokubetsu’s hands. “Shouldn’t be too long.”

Kakashi said nothing and went back to his observations. He had been chosen to replace Raidou on this scroll retrieval. For sure, he did not thought it would be that kind of retrieval mission, hidden in the trees, waiting for grass ninjas to show themselves. Usually, he would simply kill the enemy and pick up what had been stolen.

An owl made itself heard three times. “There,” Genma signed, before pointing at the bird of prey flying over the clearing.

“A summon,” Kakashi signed back. His friend nodded.

“Yes. Follow me, they aren’t too far.”

They jumped from branches to branches, before finding a small steam and following its course north. It was not too long before they found the two of them. From their stance, he understood rapidly that they were skilled adversaries, but the teamwork was not attuned. Even if blondie seemed open to negotiation and clearly the leader in this mission, he was not at ease with his partner, a semblance of an old grizzly showing his teeth. He was too tense, his posture stiff and rigid.

“Nice to meet you again, Toot’pick, ” greeted with a thick accent the blond one, a smug smile lighting the grim look in his eyes. Or maybe he was a bigger player than what he could discern, thought Kakashi.

“Same here, Grasshoppers,” replied Genma on the same playful tone.

Kakashi narrowed his eye as he saw the second grass nin hidden behind a straw hat bristle, one of his hands automatically drawing a kunai.

“Takeshi!” warned between his teeth Blondie, studying Kakahsi intently. He knew who he was, and he was not going to risk it even more. “I’ll cut down to business, Toot’pick. I got what Konoha wanted. Got what we’re looking for?”

Kakashi was not sure if there was boredom in the blond's words, but the way Genma answered showed that it had been more than a few times they were meeting. “Sure. Kakashi?” The copy nin threw their respective backpacks a feet away of the two grass nin, just as Blondie threw a thick scroll at him. “You have medic stuff you need for at least a month.”

“Soldier pills?”

“Twelve bottles.”

“Good. You’ve got all t’e intel’ we could get and t’e team you sent is in.”

If Kakashi frowned even more, he hoped it did not show through the dark. He said nothing as Genma simply agreed and they retreated without a glance. And for some hours, they stayed silent, simply making their way back through the night, making sure no one was following them.

Genma finally broke the silence, “What is it? You’re rarely that silent nowadays on a mission. Want to know something?"

Kakashi rolled his eyes, and kept silent for two more jump. “How much are they helping in the Land of Iron case?” he finally said.

A sigh. “I don’t know everything, and what I know is still classified, but it’s been a while they're observing the place. You know how Grass country is, always on the watch. They may be poor, but they know how and who to sell their info to.” He landed on a sturdy branch, his fingers playing with his senbon, tapping it lightly against his lips repeatedly.

Kakashi leaned against the tree, his arms crossed over his chest. “You’ve work with that nin before?”

“The blond one? Yeah, but the partner’s new. Anyway, I’ve met him a few years back in an infiltration mission. He helped me stay alive.”

Gray eyebrows rose. “Really? I’m surprised.”

“Yeah, as I was. But he’s good. He’s the one who brought the last intel about the civil war and where Mifune’s stationed with his wife.”

“Hm." He looked at nothing for a minute, thinking of the last teams that had been sent for long length mission. Only a few.

Genma scratched his head, "Want to know something else?"

"No need. We should keep going; we need to report our mission as soon as we can. Naruto and Rokudaime are surely still awake," he stated, starting his way back.

The brown haired jounin shook is head slightly before following his friend. "Don't know for the brat, but sure, Rokudaime- _sama_ will be awake," he simply added. Silence greeted him. He shook his head and jumped after Kakashi.

***

The clothes he had been given were a little too big for him and ranked of sweat. Clearly, the last one who wore them had not taken a shower for a while, and the fact that he could not differentiate if their gray and brown color was their natural one told him their level of cleanliness.

Putting his Konoha outfit in the same bag as his teammates, it had been a while he had not done those kind of missions. He was nervous, but at the same time his body was more than asking for this. It had been too long since he had done something truly useful.

"The others surely have arrived at their destination. We are a crucial part in this mission, and if we can make it right, things will go as planned.” Raidou kept silent for a moment, breathing heavily through his nose as he closed his eyes, his hands balling and tensing. “Remember that if we are captured, there is not a lot of chance that we are getting back." Iruka and Izumo exchanged a glance before looking back at their captain, nodding. “Let’s just do our best to make it back home. We all have a family that awaits our return,” he whispered, pulling his hood to hide his features.

Iruka said nothing, controlling his shaking hands. Each shinobi had their way to deal with their mission. Each shinobi had their way to try to control that dreading sense of adrenaline that was getting in your system once you were about to get into action. Your body just knew that it would start soon.

Dark brown eyes opened again to observe an unrolled map set in front of them on an old broken table that could barely stand. “Izumo, what does it look like?”

“The Intel might have found out the emplacement of their collective data. It should be in that building,” the chuunin explained with apprehension, his eyes shining with intelligence. “I suggest that we take some days to round out the place, finding out the surveillance and the shifts. I’ll be able to step in and find the necessary documents.”

“Alright. Once we got everything, you step in.” It was a sentiment of pride that settled in Raidou’s stomach as Iruka stared back at him with determination, nodding with confidence. He guessed that it was how this reserved guy took those kinds of mission.

“Yes. Once you’re out, Izumo, I’ll blow the rest of their data. I’ll be rigging the place with a system of explosive tags, I’ll keep them busy. ”

“And I’ll be backing you up, whatever happens.” They nodded at each other. “Good, let’s go. Follow me.”


	2. Chapter 2

The place had not changed much since Sasuke had taken the Hokage chair after the war. The office design was formal with its book and scroll shelf, no decorations had been put up on the walls, only one plant remained in a corner. Somehow, it did feel like Sasuke to keep things strictly professional around him. But she was pleased, all in all, for him to be here with them. It had not been easy, but they had been able to pull it off with the council and the shinobis. Not that things were all round up, in fact they kept being very tiring, but she felt it was right.

“What are you smiling for?” he asked, his face blank of emotion, as usual.

She put a strand of hair behind her ears, shaking her head lightly. “Nothing important, Sasuke.” She had not notice the smile forming while thinking about all they had work through. “What did you need me for today? I don’t have much time; I have an important surgery this afternoon, and I need to make sure my team’s prepared and that I’ve got everything.”

He dismissed her polite bow, acting so formal around him made him uneasy. Not that it showed, anyway. “Look at this, Sakura,” he slipped the file at the end of his desk for her to take. “It’s the file of our former sensei, Umino Iruka.”

Her brows furrowed as she turned pages of the already known document, “Yes, I’ve read it through already. What is it for?”

“I can’t take any decision without the approval of Naruto or yours without gaining more suspicious questions and glares from everyone.”

“Yeah. Where are you going with this?” The way he stared her dead in the eyes made her frown even more. Was he convincing himself for the decision he wanted to make? She could not tell.

“Our political situation is pretty stable since some years now, but the Land of Iron is facing its own war. They are requesting our help, and I was thinking of sending two teams in.”

“But we have no right to do so without breaking the already frail treaty we have with Iwagakure and Kumokagure. Especially since they let you live, do you remember?”

Sasuke sighed, before clasping his hands together. “I know. That’s why we send two unnoticeable team. Check this scroll Grass country Intel got. Naruto and I have seen it this morning, and he thinks it’s for the best if we act, and I suggest to be unknown.”

He was surprised when she slammed the scroll on the desk. “And when were you both going to tell me? Because it seems as if you have made up your mind already!”

“Calm down. No one did anything, yet. And I want you to help me.”

She was surprised, but hid it behind crossed arms and a small scoff. “Really? And how?”

“By accepting to send the two teams I’ll show you right away.” He took a thicker file and slid it to her. “Please, take your time to evaluate the situation, Sakura. There’s a lot going on. We have a possibility to help them regain balance in their country. Moreover, you’ve seen how they are sure something’s going on over there, since such a conservative government took the power. It’s bad, even if the Tsuchikage and Raikage think it’s better if we do not interfere.”

She let herself drop on a chair, sighing. She should have never accepted this position as a leader for Konoha. “I think Naruto has gotten into your head. Do you even hear yourself? You are ready to put the village in a dire position because some Intel might have found something? You knew that I would be against this.”

“Because Umino Iruka is in this. You know that from his file he was trained for this.”

“No, not only that. You’re looking for shinobis that won’t talk if they are captured and for them to be unnoticeable out there? Let me guess that you want them to have good chakra control to spend it wisely? Send other soldiers. Send ones that have at least a better medic training.”

Sasuke scratched his forehead tiredly. He knew that it would have been complicated, but not that much. “Konoha already have less forces than what it used to. It’s better if we can avoid spending essential jounin.”

“I can’t sign this.” She took her head in her hand, “It’s a suicide mission. How do you want them to come back? Namiashi just got a week leave from his last mission, and Kamisuki and Iruka-sensei has been out of the field for some time now. Have you talked about this with someone else?”

“Tsunade.”

Percing blue eyes looked him up. Was he tricking her? “And? What did she say?”

“She said the teams are good; she even helped me chose them. Shikamaru, Ino and Choji will be working directly with Mifune’s son and his forces; Namiashi, Kamizuki and Iruka will be infiltrating the enemy’s lines on their side.”

He said nothing more, and simply look at her. He understood it was not an easy decision to make, but sometimes, you had to make sacrifices in life. That was for sure.

She closed her eyes briefly, her lips pinched, before taking the pen and signing, finally handing over the mission file after some hesitation.

“Don’t worry. Tsunade said they were going to be alright.”

She couldn’t help but scoff. “When she says that, it means that there’s not much chance for anything to go that well.”

Because you could convince yourself that things would go well, but you never knew.

***

“Everything is in place,” Iruka said as he landed near a crouched Raidou. The jounin simply held two fingers in the air, without giving him a glance. He could not keep himself from thinking that his captain seemed to have grown older, so focused and haggard at the same time. This man poured all of his soul into his work, ready to die without hesitation for his village. Something that Iruka lacked of, Raidou had been sure to make him understand.

The captain turned some buttons on the small radio system they had settled for this mission, before taping his earpiece twice. “Izumo’s in place. I’ll be backing him up while he collects the info. Two taps means he’s getting out, and if something’s wrong, I’ll tap three times. Good?”

Iruka nodded, taking Raidou’s place in front of the radio as the jounin left. Making the chakra hand seals to activate the sensor he had planted around their small hideout, Iruka tried to determine the hour, shortly studying the pale crescent illuminating the night. They had decided to take action sometime through the night.

Hidden in the woods, not too far from the place, it had been two days now that they were observing the enemies, taking notes and info of their surveillance. He was not surprised to see how they had organized through the dire circumstances. Because he had to face it, the Land of Iron was not faring well.

Through his inspection of the small place, there were few families, probably samurais who’s village had been destroyed and had taken all of them with their garrison. Soldiers, mothers, fathers and children looked tired, unfed and grim. Kids were running all around the place – Iruka knew they were barely taken care of, the same disgruntled look on their face, having been exposed to hard time, famine, death, or worse.

Sitting uncomfortably in front of the device, he scratched his head, holding a sigh. This part of those missions were always the hardest: you waited for your partners to come back, and you hoped they would be back in one piece. If they could.

And this is where he found out he was not alone.

***

Izumo bit his lips absentmindedly as he was foraging through the quantities of books, scrolls and papers held in the place, taking every parcel of info he could, scribbling everything in a code he knew very few shinobis of Konoha Intel team would know. He had been able to enter the place without much problem, disabling the first guard, making a clone to take his place. He had half an hour to get out before the next guard took his shift. It was a small place, weakly guarded.

He heard two tap in his earpiece. He knew Raidou was standing near, he did not have time to pinpoint where, there was no need for it. “Almost done,” he whispered to himself. “I just need to find their jackpot.” Two more shelf to look at, his mind reeling and his heart beating at a fast pace. “Give me some time.”

He knew he was going to find it. The document holding what they needed. There it was. And just as he pulled the blue covered book out of the shelf, the window shattered. “Don’t --!” was the only thing Raidou had time to yell before hell broke loose.

***

Kakashi ate in silence his dry meat, listening to the calm of the night. It was a chilly weather for the hot season, and a fire would not have been too much. But resting in enemy territory did not give many possibilities. And it was not as if he had not seen or experienced worse.

“So, ready for your retirement party? It’s in two weeks now.” Kakashi looked up at Genma, one eyebrow rose. “Don’t look at me like that. It was just a question!” The fact that Kakashi had both eyes since the war still made him uncomfortable; the tokubetsu jounin had not thought that a two-eyed Kakashi would be even harder to read.

“And you, are you ready to take your retirement?”

He scratched his head, looking at his food. “Huh. This job, it’s been our life.”

“Exactly.” He kept silent for a while, looking at the stars, before putting his food away. “I heard it’s been moving over there.”

“I can’t say a thing.”

“I know.” Kakashi did not want to ask questions. He had told himself he would simply wait for him to be back. Easier said than done. “At least, have you heard of Iruka from Blondie?”

Genma closed his eyes briefly, before sighing. “No, Kakashi. He’s not in the main team over there.”

Kakashi scoffed darkly. “Yeah, heard of that.” He had been talked to by Rokudaime for asking questions, for saying that he thought it was a bad choice to send Iruka over there. Infiltration mission were the kind to be nasty. Oh, so nasty.

***

“Shit!” He had escaped the swing of the blade from an inch and Iruka threw a kunai instinctively has he saw the opening, gritting his teeth as the boy was not fast enough to avoid it before it hit his head, puncturing his left eye.

But he had no time to get over it, or even to think about it. His radio was broken and he had no way of knowing how it was going on the side of his teammates. Scanning the area, he could feel multiple enemies near him. And as he heard dogs bark, he knew that they knew.

And they _knew_. An explosion was heard, it wasn’t his system of explosive tags that he had worked on. Taking his backpack, he ran as fast as he could, concealing himself as much as possible in the direction they were to meet if things went awry. Because he had to face it, things were shitty.

Taking the shortcut to the small water stream, he made two clones to go separate ways on land while he made his way through the water, his body unable to take proper breath as he was fighting the cold element. He found a natural carving in the rock where he hid himself, crouching as much as he could, hissing, gritting his teeth.

He had to hold it, radiating a small dose of chakra to keep his body enough heat so he would be able to survive. He didn’t count how much time passed, but dawn settled before he felt one of the clones die off. Dogs could not be heard anymore, neither their presence felt.

Hardly getting up, his legs mostly numb, shaking from the cold water and the chilly wind, it was with dread that he finally reached the small cave they had found near the water stream. Taking hold of an explosive kunai with numb fingers and staying at a good distance, he made the noise of a common bird of those lands. He sighed as he heard back the answer.

“Anyone followed you?” Raidou whispered as he saw him at the entrance.

“No.” He ran up to the kneeling man when the sent of burned flesh met his nose. Izumo’s head leaned against Raidou’s tights while the man was applying pressure with some wet clothes on one shoulder. “Fuck.” Izumo’s body was badly injured, part of his face had been touched, and he was sure that his left arm would not recover properly from this. Where the clothes had not simply melt with the skin, only darkened flesh was left.

Raidou gave some place to Iruka as he saw the man starting to heal some of the burns with chakra healing. He doubted that the skill would be enough, but it was better than anything. “They rigged... their own place,” he explained tiredly as he gave his teammate a change of dirty but dry clothes, before taking place against the rocky wall. “Wasn’t able to warn him in time.”

“I was attacked just after you left. The radio broke.”

Raidou kept silent as he started to take care of his own injuries, seeing that Iruka seemed unscathed. “How did they went through your chakra sensors?”

Was it some judgment he could hear in his voice? “It was a kid, damn it. It was so faint, he didn’t knew chakra manipulation at all.”

“The chakra sensors you developed aren’t suppose to pick up any chakra in the zone?”

Iruka sighed. “I- I don’t know, okay? It was only a prototype, some theoretical stuff I had been working on. It was suppose to pick up any chakra that is being used, as much as kept hidden. Someone with no knowledge of chakra manipulation barely use it, but it should have at least detected it.”

Raidou scoffed, but said nothing more. Those teachers, they were way too much in their books, not enough in the fields. But it was not necessary to say anything more; Iruka was already beating himself over and over for this mistake, his shaking hands trying to give some relief to the blackened skin that covered Izumo’s left arm and shoulder. “I’m sorry, ‘Zumo,” Raidou heard the chunnin whisper to his unconscious friend.

Oh, who was he kidding! It was his fault too. He should have felt the kid. He was better than this. Hissing as he bandaged the cut on his side, he ruffled his hair. “We move out as soon as we can.”

“But Izumo is in no condition to-”

“We can’t keep hiding here. They are looking for us, and it’s only by sheer luck that they haven’t look at this side of the river yet. ” Iruka challenged the dark brown eyes that were daring him to speak up. He felt his second clone dying, the pictures coming in his head in a flash. They were coming, he knew. He said nothing, his jaw clenching shut. “You’re strong enough to take him on your back?”

“Yeah.”

“We leave in an hour, so change yourself before you die of hypothermia. You look like shit,” he grumbled as he hid the coded scroll in one of his pocket.

***

Iruka’s due date had passed, and he tried to keep himself busy, taking some missions there and there, most of the time keeping track of the teams coming back at the mission desk. Nothing yet. Kakashi tried to concentrate on the lunch he was cooking.

“Hey, can I come in?” asked a tired voice.

He rolled his eyes. “Maa, you’re already in.” He turned around to put his eggs and rice meal in a plate, looking at Kotetsu nonchalantly sitting at his table, his head propped up on his hand.

“I see you’ve made for two! So nice of you, Kakashi!”

The silver haired man rolled his eyes. “I thought I had to be prepared, since you often come here.” Anyone would have heard the sarcastic statement held in this sentence, but Kotetsu barely took note of it.

He did not even had time to properly set the second dish in front of his uninvited guest that the chuunin was already taking mouthful of it. “Well... I have time on my hand... and you too. So... it’s not as if... we had better things to do.” Seeing Kotetsu eat so fast made him wonder if he would choke on his food, and maybe die of asphyxia at the same time. “Damn, your food is good!”

As he sat at the other end of his small table, he was not sure if he was hungry anymore. “What do you want? It’s not like you to keep coming here since three weeks now.” Time to cut down the chase, he decided. Kakashi understood what Kotetsu was trying to do, but he was not someone to be dealing with about this.

Kotetsu stopped eating and put down his wooden stick momentarily, looking at nothing. “It’s been two weeks now.”

He said nothing back, rolling his eyes. He did not need to be remembered. “Hmm.” Kakashi simply took some bites of his meal, keeping his face hidden as much as he could, ignoring the stare he was given. Oops, wrong answer?

“You don’t wonder much where they went, do you?” Something in the tone used triggered some alarms in Kakashi’s head.

He narrowed his eyes, staring back at Kotetsu. “Should I?” He was not helping the situation.

“The civil war is raging over there. And they are barely doing a thing to make sure they are alright. The other team is back, but not theirs.”

That chuunin knew a lot of things, Kakashi understood that. “There’s nothing we can do. It’s not as if it was our decision anyway,” he replied.

“Help me put pressure on them to send another rescue team!”

Kakashi crossed his arms on his chest, defiantly looking at Kotetsu. “And for what? To send more shinobis to their death?”

Kotetsu stood up from his chair, “Do you even care?” But it was not a question. “I thought that the great Sharingan no Kakashi would have given a little more fucks to their situation!”

That was enough. “Get out of my place,” he said in a low, but strong voice.

They stared dangerously at each other as the clock ticked by. “Fine,” finally whispered Kotetsu. “I guess I misjudge you.”

Once the door slammed shut, Kakashi closed his eyes, taking his head in his hand. Both of them were tired, tired of waiting, hoping for them to be back. Kakashi knew it was bad, he was not blind. But he was hoping that not talking about them would somehow make them come home. The rescue team was not back, and Kakashi knew that he was not in any rights to be part of it; it was his lover that was gone and it could put the rescue team in jeopardy.

He was simply waiting. But waiting was taking its toll on him. To pass the time when he was not on missions he would go to the cemetery, has he used to do. And Kakashi would stood beside the memorial stone, hands in their pockets, wondering if he should say a thing.

He was used now at the comfortable silence of the graves. Those years shared with Iruka had surely brought some kind of peace to his own soul, actually.

“Yeah, huh, it’s been a while, I must say.” His gray eyes stared lazily at the names written on the stone. “Your son has left some time ago. Don’t know if he came to tell you, but I thought that I should let you know about it.” He scratched his head, sighing. He did not feel at ease without Iruka; they were his parents, after all.

“He’s gone to help with the civil war. Hasn’t come back either.” He hoped he would not see him for his grave.

***

They were moving through the night at a fast pace, hiding as much as they could. Izumo had not regain consciousness yet, and Iruka was getting more and more tired. They were still very far from their extraction point. One good aspect was that they had the intel they were looking for, but at a high price.

“You’re slowing down,” whispered Raidou.

“Sorry,” he replied, not hiding his frustration. Raidou said nothing back but glared at him. He was out to hear it, that was for sure.

Yet, they were both stressed out, and Iruka knew that Raidou was pushing him over his limits to make sure they could reach some place where they would be safer. But the chuunin that he was had a hard time following, put on the weight of his friend on his back that he was responsible for his injured state. They finally halted in a part where they had a good camouflage from the density of the woods, where the moonlight had a hard time shining through.

The team leader sighed, taking back his breath, holding his side. “Shit.” He hissed out a long breath, his hands shaking, holding his injured side. From what Iruka could see, Raidou was still bleeding. “Look. I know I’m pushing you. There’s people following us since five minutes now. I don’t expect you to have sense them yet, don’t worry, you have Izumo to carry and you’re trying to follow me. We won’t make it out alive if we keep going together.” Iruka’s eyes widened. “I want you to take ‘Zumo with you, and you go back to Konoha. I’ll be able to hold them back enough for you to make it out.”

“No. Give me my backpack, I’ll set traps to hold them back while you make your way out with Izumo and the info. You’re in no shape to fight them off anyway!”

“We don’t have time for this!”

“I’ve been chosen for this mission because of my formation in T&I. I know it. Rokudaime knows it. Whatever reason he gave to Naruto and Sakura to ease them, it’s part of why I’m here. And you know it, remember what you told me?” He saw Raidou pinch his lips.

“Kakashi’s going to kill me if I survive this.”

Iruka could not keep from smiling. “Damn, just go. I know my job for Konoha. I am ready to give my life if it means that I can save your ass and the one of my friends.”

Raidou did not have many options to take and not a lot of time to make up his mind. He simply took a hold of Iruka’s hair, making their forehead touch. “Your a fine shinobi, Umino Iruka. It was an honor working with you.”

Then Raidou gave Iruka his backpack and took Izumo on his back as the injured cried out of pain. He was coming back to the living. Looking one last time in direction of one brave chuunin – no, jounin, Raidou could tell – he run as fast as he could.

Iruka took his explosive kit, made clones of himself, and counted three people not too far behind. It was time to stop them.

 


	3. Chapter 3

 

 

She had wondered. Wondered days and months what to do with it. If she wanted to keep it. The product of the hate they had against her kind. And staying in Konoha, as she had nowhere else to go, the only people that wanted to take care of her and help her face the purge Mist was doing against shinobis and their families showing sign of blood limit, she did not know what was better.

But as she was going to do something against it, ready to do what she should have done in months – finally killing it – she felt for the first time a little foot kicking her. And then she knew that it was not what she had to do. It was a sign, she felt it. She felt _him._ Because it was a little boy, a little boy that seemed to tell her that he was not the product of the hate against her family, a dreaded presence that should be eliminated, but something that maybe was better than she thought of.

Given the time, she found out that killing the little boy would be like acting the same as the men that had killed so many of them. On the contrary, she worked hard to teach her little boy that ninjas were to act out of love to protect the one they loved. And she hoped, as she died on the pavement against the Kyuubi, that she had done everything she could to show him how to be a good shinobi.

***

He had been able to escape their sight and hide. Though he had not been able to make all three of them pursue him, only had tangled one in his chakra wire for such little time that he had not been able to kill him, yet he had their attention. He hoped Raidou would be alright to kill the samurai following him.

Somehow, he had not been found yet, crouched in front of one of his enemy – the second one was still not too far – hidden under a big bush and giving out a mixed pulse of chakra from every direction with the help of his clones. He waited, watching the samurai calculating where he truly was. He just needed him to turn around for a second, just a little moment was all he needed. If only –

There! Three Iruka jumped from their spot at the same momentum, chakra wire in hands toward him. But the black haired man was fast and ducked, yet was not wise enough to know Iruka had made a web of chakra wire around this place, slowing him down. Acting fast, the three of them simply wired him even more, pulling strategically on some of the ropes, choking him.

Umino ignored the fact that the young man was still able to let out strangled cries, sounding like a dying animal. He had to, or he was the one going to become the dying animal. “Never take pity on your enemy, unless you felt they are not dangerous,” he had learn the hard way with his sensei.

He felt the second samurai already behind him. Damn, he was fast! Trying to hide his surprise – which surely did not work as he felt the sword wielder gain assurance – he focused on dodging the katana. He had to get enough distance from him, and yet keep him there. Working with his clone, one throwing kunai, the other attacking directly – he had no other choice, they were going to be killed fast.

Gritting his teeth, he made the hand seals and closed his eyes. The blast was powerful, letting out a bark of pain as he felt his body fall wrongly on the ground, a cracking sound coming from his right leg. But he had no time to waste, and it was with a dizzy vision, a hammering headache and deaf ears that he tried to limp farther away from the bloody trap he had set up.

Maybe that guy had a wife or kids waiting at home, were thoughts that were at the edge of his mind. He was stronger than this, he was. He had to stop thinking. After, damn it! After, he told himself. Act logically! He could barely feel three presences coming their way to were he was, and trying to stand up on his right leg made the pain unbearable, sending the world spin dangerously, before his eyes shut from their own accord.

***

If Raidou had known taking another decision would maybe have made everything better, he would have chosen otherwise. But he knew that, anyway, someone would have had to die for this. He had known from the beginning. Yet, maybe he could have spared one more. Because he knew Izumo would not survive this, and he somehow wondered how Iruka would make it.

A grim chuckle was let out as he evaluated how he was going to get back to Konoha like this. “Fuck.” Struggling with his hands to bandage up the cuts on his arms, he knew that the vial of antidote he had taken would slow down the poison in his system, but certainly not take it out. This, and he had lost his friend.

As much as he had wanted, he had not been able to hid Izumo before the samurai caught up on him, his friend partially hidden under dirt and rotten leaves. The fight had been short, the samurai he had faced clearly wanted to cut things short when an explosion had detonated. He had pursue him a few meters, until he felt the first sign of poison, losing his balance, the world spinning on itself.

First things first, the coded scroll. To stop his mind from yelling to save Izumo and Iruka had been hard, but he was a shinobi of the leaf, and he had to face priorities. From the way the fight has gone, those guys were not soldiers from the place where they had stole the Intel, therefore he had a better chance to bring back what they almost died for.

If he could only reach the extraction point, it would be good. From the way the poison was affecting his body, he hoped he had at least a week.

***

He had done everything he could. He knew that. And he terribly felt it as he was thrown harshly to the ground, waking him up with white spots in his eyes, grunting. He simply closed them back to diminish the nausea he felt coming. Still, he had killed one of them. He had not thought that samurai could be so resourceful.

“You, piece of shit!” His eyes shot up in pain as he was kicked in the stomach, air leaving his lungs and not able to bring any back in.

“Hey, back off, Katashi,” someone said. He hissed as he was pulled by his hair, feeling studied. From the way he was tied up and the way his head was hold up he could only see samurai armors moving and arguing.

“He killed my brother! He has to die!”

His head was released when he heard someone hit the man holding him, a short sword falling not too far from his nose. It was better playing dead for now. “Calm down. Your bother knew that there were risks doing this job. Kyoshi will take you back to your dormitory.”

“Come on,” said a calming voice to the vengeful guy.

Iruka heard more than he saw feet moving, some leaving, others coming toward him. “He’s going to be a good piece of meat for the doctor, that’s for sure. It’s hard to find good shinobis to put fights with lately.”

“It’s not as if there should be any. Those lands are ours, they don’t belong here. They don’t belong at all, bringing wars on men, thinking that they are better than everyone.”

Somehow everyone stopped talking. Surely the leader. Someone crouched in front of his tied form. It had taken off his helm, and it was dark green eyes that met his. He was smiling, not a smile of joy, but a smile of resignation. It talked of pain and torture. “You have seen things, shinobi.” By his voice, it was the one that had send back the other vengeful samurai. “We’re both in the same game, then. Everything will go well if you listen to me. Understood?”

Iruka did nothing to show that he had understood. He simply stared at him without emotion, counting the beating of his heart to control his headache and the pain that was shooting up his leg. Who he thought was the leader simply sigh before making a gesture with his hands. Blackness met him again as they pulled a bag on his head.

“Let’s go.”

***

Kotetsu was pacing in front of the Hokage office, waiting for the doors to open, trying to keep himself from simply barging into the room to tell a piece of his mind. Things had moved, not that it showed. He knew because he had contacts, just as Kakashi – who was leaning against the wall, again, reading one of his, unsurprisingly, orange books.

The rescue team was back and he just wanted to have news from his lover’s team. For two hours now they were waiting for the Hokage to finally meet with them.

“Have you heard anything?” he finally asked the silver haired man.

Bored gray eyes took a look at him. “No.”

Such a helpful answer, as usual. He had a hard time understanding what Iruka had found out in Sharingan no Kakashi. He was surely a good man, he was an incredible shinobi, but certainly not a good friend for him. Nevertheless, he knew Iruka to be happy.

He finally heard movements on the other side of the door, before it cracked open, revealing two ANBU nodding at them to enter.

“Finally,” muttered Kotetsu, Kakashi following behind him. If the tension was already palpable between everyone reunited in the office, Kotetsu could swear it felt worse when Kakashi closed the door behind him.

“Where are they?” the silver haired jounin asked even before Kotetsu was able to greet the Hokage. His narrowed eyes and aloof stance – yet aggressive, the chuunin was not sure how the man was able to do that – made everyone stand uneasy.

Soft blue eyes finally looked up from the ground. “I’m sorry, Kakashi-sensei, Kotetsu, but Iruka-sensei and Kamizuki Izumo could not be found by the rescue team.”

He did not flinch, nor did Kakashi. They had known, already. And from the pain that could be seen and felt from Naruto and Sakura, he knew it was not going to be better. “Has Raidou been able to tell where he last saw them?” Kotetsu simply followed on, ignoring the fear that was crawling in his stomach.

“Namiashi Raidou was not able to say anything,” started Sakura, slowly. “When they got him back he was barely conscious; he is now in a comatose state. I don’t expect him to wake up anytime soon.”

“Damn.”

Kakashi stared at Sasuke. “And is there another team going back to look for them?” The placid tone that was used did not show all the venom that were in his eyes when Kotetsu shot him a glance.

“No, it’s too risky,” replied the Hokage on the same tone. By the staring contest each of them gave to the other, they all felt out of place. The dark haired chuunin could tell that the tension that had built up instantly as he had entered the office was because of those two. Definitely, it was not something he felt the need to know.

Kakashi finally scoffed. “You send a team of chuunin in a mission that could have been easily classified as a S-Rank; sure, they are easily forgettable.” The frown Sasuke gave him back had been worth it.

“Kakashi-sensei! That’s not what Sasuke meant! He cares for Iruka-sensei.”

“Don’t worry, Sakura, I clearly know what he means.”

Naruto shot up between the two, “Please, stop, both of you. It’s not by blaming each other that we will find Iruka-sensei’s team. I agree with Kakashi-sensei, Sasuke. We should send a second rescue team.”

“Do you understand what you’re saying? If we’re found out in the Land of Iron, we are clearly starting another war, and it will make things worse for everyone!”

Sakura unconsciously made a step toward Naruto, turning to Sasuke. “I agree with him, Sasuke. We should at least try again.”

As Sasuke sighed, Kotetsu knew they were gaining a chance. “I want to be in the team, this time.”

“I’m in too,” instantly said Kakashi, followed by Naruto.

Sasuke closed his eyes, grunting. “It’s against the protocol to send close relatives for this kind of mission, you all know that.” He kept silent for a moment, looking at Kotetsu. “But I could let one of you two go, meaning that you fill the necessary documents, though.”

Kakashi narrowed his eyes. He would not let this pass. “It would be better if you sent me in; I’ve been doing rescue missions for years now, and my nindogs are made for this.”

“What!” Kotetsu turned to Kakashi, aghast. “But I know how they work! I know how they would have escaped or find a way to survive!” he breathed out. “I’ve worked with them for years!”

“Exactly. I’m the most objective of us two in this case, and I’ve been ANBU for many years. This a S-Ranked mission gone wrong; _I_ have the experience to find them.”

Kotetsu stared dead in those gray eyes. “You are not doing this to me,” he whispered with such a low voice that he wondered himself if the silver haired jounin had heard him. But he had. One grey eyebrow imperceptibly rose.

That was it. Kotetsu hated this man.

Sasuke closed his eyes a mere moment, before nodding to himself. “Kakashi is right. I’m sorry Hagane, but as much as I want the team to find them, a three-man cell composed of Naruto, Kakashi and Shiranui Genma will work better.”

Kotetsu fists slammed down on the desk. “You can’t be serious! I have been the one asking for a rescue team. I have been asking to go look for them, and you,” an accusing finger pointed Kakashi, “you have barely asked or even made a move to know how they were, or even where they were. How can you push me out of this?”

“Kotetsu,” warned Naruto, his percing blue eyes narrowing slightly. “The decision has been made.”

“I agree”, softly said Sakura. She saw the shoulders slump slowly. She could feel the pain of the raging shinobi. But she had to: a desperate Hagane Kotetsu sent out for his long time friends could be more dangerous than anything. Even if she felt that Kakashi was not going to be easy to reign back.

The chuunin’s arms fell to his side. “I see. This is how it works. It was already all decided.” The tone was bitter, and his eyes talked of betrayal. He scoffed. “At least, I’m happy to know that my doubts about you were founded, Uchiha.”

Sasuke held his hand to stop anyone from speaking more. It was enough, now. “Owl, escort this shinobi back to his home. Mouse, please go seek tokubetsu jounin Shiranui Genma.” He nodded at the two ANBU leaving the office, Kotetsu taking his distances fast enough once the door opened.

He knew right away that this meeting would be disagreements after disagreements. Partly because of Kakashi, but also because those were two strong headed shinobis. “Hatake, I have granted you this chance to be in this rescue team because of the facts you pointed out.”

“Don’t worry, Sasuke, we all know that most of us aren’t following you.”

Sakura sighed. “Guys, cut it out.”

“Yeah, we have more important matters at hands, Kakashi-sensei. Genma will be leading the team,” explained Naruto. “We are to meet here at dawn before leaving.”

Kakashi stiffened for a moment. The way they were presenting this, he could see his old team. Even if he had never gave credit again to Sasuke for the choices he had made, he knew he could not blame Naruto and Sakura for still believing in the Uchiha. They were team seven after all, and just as he had forgiven Obito for his choices, they had forgiven Sasuke.

He sighed. “There’s no problem, Naruto.”

“Be here on time, though.”

“Sure.” He saw Naruto grinned. “I know when to be on times,” he whispered, glancing at Sasuke before making the hand seals to teleport himself.

***

When he finally could breath right, he had a hard time discerning where he was. There were barely any source of light, an old system tirelessly buzzing into his ears weakly lighting up the place. He knew he was only standing up because he was tied to what he thought to be a surgical table, his bare feet touching the cold damp soil. He wished that they had not stripped him off his clothes, the cold metal biting his skin. It was bad. It was just like the last time. Just like the last time.

No, don’t get there, he could barely tell himself. Breath in, breath out, study your surrounding. They were three samurais, all armored, two of them wearing their helmet. The last one was not the leader, but a blond guy laughing at one of his partner. He recognized the voice, it was the one who had been given the task to bring back the vengeful guy, Katashi, to the dormitory. Yeah, the one opening forcefully the door, throwing at one of the armored samurai – Izumo?

“Fuck,” he whispered to himself. What did it means if his friend was here. Had Raidou made it out? Calm down, calm down. Analyze.

“Hey, what’s your problem?” But the sword wielder was ignored.

Iruka was the object of attention, and as the black eyes would have killed him if possible, he was surprised that Katashi did not move toward him. He still felt the kick that had been given to his stomach, and the throbbing pain from his leg helped nothing to clear his head.

He felt chills as he saw the others strapping Izumo to a second surgical table he had not seen not too far from him. A click of tongue. “That’s what I thought,” Katashi spat out. “Watch your friend die.” Iruka gritted his teeth to contain his emotions, but he knew that his face showed his anger.

“Shut up, asshole,” the blond samurai – Kyoshi, Iruka recalled – snapped at his black haired companion. “Who told you you could come here?”

“You, shut up.” He turned to Iruka, “I hope for you and your friend that you won’t survive this.”

“Wouldn’t it be better if we interrogate them first?” asked another one. “As much as I know, those can’t be simple missing nins. We never had that strong missing nins in our lands.”

A moment of hesitation fell on them. They judged each other for a small moment. “I know, that’s what I said,” Katashi muttered. “But the doctor said it’s the protocol. Inoculate him first,” mentioning Izumo with a shake of his head.

All of this, it was not going as he was used to. Something bigger was happening. “Stop,” breathed out Iruka. But only a side glance was given to him as the syringe entered Izumo’s skin. “Stop!”

“Don’t worry, we’ll come back for you.” As they snickered, walking through the door, he was left alone. And in the buzzing silence, he took some deep breath again. He was trembling, he felt a deep pressure on his chest and the pain was unbearable. He had to find a way to get out of here, even if his leg would be a problem.

Working through the straps, he heard Izumo grunting. “Izumo! Izumo! Shit. Come on!” There, he was able to at least move one arm. “Izumo, can you hear me?”

His friend was shaking, sweating and gritting his teeth. Also naked, Iruka could see the extent of his injuries, and Katashi was right. Izumo would die if his wounds were left untreated. Untying his second arm, he worked on his legs. It was not long before he finally tried moving, limping, jumping weirdly on one leg, biting the inside of his cheeks to forget the pain. He had to reach him. He could probably do something. It was his fault afterward!

“What do you think you’re doing, shinobi!” Iruka had no time to make another movement before he was thrown to the ground, a shout of pain escaping his lips.

“Let me... treat his wounds! Let me...” He was ignored, tied up and shove back on the surgical table, straps hurting his wrists.

“Why is that one roaming free in here?” The voice was gravely but strong, such as the man wielding it. Iruka felt studied as if he was cattle by the steel gray eyes hidden behind glasses. “Have he been inoculated like I asked you hours ago?”

“We’re sorry, sir. It’ll be done right away,” Iruka heard Katashi say in a low voice, seeing him bow lowly.

Everything was going fast, lights he had not seen opened and blinded him, some woman examining his broken leg and touching it unceremoniously, people in white clothes plugging him on different machines that he knew he had seen in hospital rooms.

Katashi appeared beside him, syringe in hand. “Get away from me!” yelled Iruka. Yet, not even looking at him, the samurai simply did his job without question, injecting some yellow mixture in his bloodstream.

“From my first exam, his leg seems broken, Osamu-sensei,” the lady said, scribbling on her notepad. “However, his condition is much stable than One-o-five here.”

“Hm. As I said, there will be no waste, the body will still be useful to see how the new sample affected his physiology. Is everything recorded? Good. Now, we wait.”

And as fast as everyone had appeared, as much as he yelled for them to come back and give him answers, the room became empty, the now beeping machine and the buzzing lights perturbing the silence, Izumo gasping and and crying.

“Hold on, Izumo. We can make it.” Still, even he did not believe in his words. It was bad.

Just what were they doing to them?

 


	4. Chapter 4

 

_I can’t tell how much time it’s been since our capture. I don’t know, there’s no window. I’m thirsty and hungry, and I’ve been in so much pain that I am barely used to it now. I barely feel my limbs, I barely feel my body at all. My head just hurt all the time, and when it’s not my head, it’s my heart beating weirdly._

_Some people come see us from time to time to check on us, give us some weird tasting water. It tastes like shit, but I’m so thirsty that I drink it anyway._

_My vision is blurry, but I can still see Izumo in front of me. He’s been in and out of consciousness. I... I don’t think he’ll make it through. I haven’t been able to capt his attention. He said my name a few moment ago, but most of the time he talks- well, mumbles about Ko’._

_“I’m sorry.” But he doesn’t react. My own voice is hoarse, I barely recognize it. I’m so tired. I just think and I’m tired._

_They keep saying that we should have died faster than this. That maybe we are their chances. Their chances to change the world for the best. Huh. Glad to be a good instrument for it._

_Damn._

***

The rain falling on the Land of Iron was cold, each droplets hurting their already tired bodies. Not that they had been fighting any enemies, far from it, they had not even met a single soul – and it was what unnerved Kakahsi the most. Still, the weather was a mix of cold and rain, which was never good to help a search party.

He was hard to reign in, he knew it. Even his ninkens were starting to doubt his own mental stability on this mission. But he had to find him.

“Kakashi, we have to go back. We’ve already extended this search for too long.” He said nothing, simply stared at the track where Pakkun had left not too long ago. “Kakashi, you have to face it!”

“Face what, Genma?” The tone was low, but the tokubetsu jounin knew the underlying threat that the voice held.

Naruto landed near them. “No! We can’t stop searching now! Pakkun almost got something!”

Genma sighed, scratching his forehead. What was so hard to understand? “No, he hasn’t, Naruto. They are tired too, and Kakashi is out of chakra. It’s futile to keep going like this.”

“But we can’t simply let Iruka-sensei down. I don’t let my friends behind!”

Kakashi rising one brow at him with the support of his once student made the tokubetsu grit his teeth. “It’s not a story of letting friends behind or not! We can’t find him! It’s been three weeks we’re looking everywhere. Nothing. What do you want, getting spotted by samurais?”

“He’s right, Boss.” Pakkun landed in the middle of them, his body steaming in this cold. “My nose can’t find a thing in this rain; it’s been raining for too many days now. I’m sorry.”

There was no reproach in the pug’s voice, but they all could feel how he was not able to hold on more. Kakashi closed his eyes a moment, crouching in front of his summon. He sighed, holding his head. “I’m sorry too, Pakkun. You are tired, and I keep pushing you.” The silver haired ninja had not seen that even if the dog came and went from his plane of existence, he had no time to recuperate from each summoning, even if he tried hiding his shaking body behind his pride to find the chunnin. “Let’s go back,” he whispered, staring at his ninken, resignation his words.

Naruto pinched his lips, staring at the older shinobis in front of him. He understood perfectly. Sakura had warned him. Going back after so long was not wise, especially when it had been two months they were officially missing. Even as fast as they were moving, it still had been too long for them to reach the cold lands.

His fists closed forcefully, his eyebrows furrowed. “Right...” What was the point of saving the world if you could not save your friends? Your family?

***

_It’s getting worse. I feel out of breath. My lungs hurt. My strength is leaving me. I barely see a thing right now, but I can still hear Izumo ragged breath. It’s been like this for a while now, maybe some hours, I don’t know._

_I’m afraid. This was not how I thought things would turn out. Those mad people are not linked to the small place we’ve infiltrated. We’re only some dams, we were on their way._

_Even if I wanted to get away, I don’t have the impression my hands are moving at all. I’m numb. I’m cold. I just want to sleep..._

_“-Uka” I barely hear him when I finally open my eyes. It takes a lot of effort to stir myself from the clogging fog surrounding my head. I didn’t thought I had fallen asleep. “Iruka.”_

_It takes some time, but I can see him. He looks... dead. The tip of his finger bordering a blue color, his skin pale._

“ _I-Izumo...” His name barely pass my cracked lips. It stings, I can taste blood as I lick them to sooth the pain. My eyes hurt from them watering. Not now._

_He can barely smile. It hurts him to twist his lips into a semblance of a smile. My jaw hurts from clenching it so hard. I can’t break now. Not now. Hold yourself. He takes short breaths, it seems to hurt just as much as me, if not more. “I- I don’t want...to die, ‘Ruka.”_

_A part of me is yelling to tell him that everything is going to be alright. That we will make it out of here, soon Konoha will be there. But I can’t say a thing. I just can’t lie. I can’t. “Stay with me, ‘Zumo... Stay...”_

_“’m sorry...” His head is starting to loll down._

_“No, Izumo! Talk to me! Talk... to me...” I can’t do a thing as I see him breath less and less. He is gone already, somehow. I don’t know how much time pass by, but in this relative silence, there’s only his breathing that keeps me awake. Maybe if I stay awake he’ll wake up. Maybe._

_But he just stop breathing, the continuing beeping of the machine telling what I don’t want to know. I can’t stop shaking, I can’t stop choking on my breath. I can’t discern his ravaged body anymore because I can’t control the tears. I can’t feel anything more than a deep pain in my chest._

_My emotions are jumbled and I can’t discern clearly what I feel. I’m tired, oh, so tired._

_There’s people in the room. I don’t remember falling asleep. They are busying themselves around Izumo, unstrapping him!_

_I don’t care if I hurt. “Hey! You assholes! What do you think you’re doing? Don’t touch him!” I’m ignored, like the cattle that I am, putting Izumo’s body in the red bag. “What are you going to do to him?” I want an answer, damn it! “No! Come back! You have no rights!”_

_And the door is shut. I am left here._

_Alone._

_***_

Kakashi had lost a lot of people in his life. He would have thought that he would get used to it. Somehow. But each time the pain was more vivid. Leaning against his kitchen counter, he stared at the blue key. He should go and pack the stuff. He should. That’s what he was told again and again. But no, he was not going to do it. Not now.

He heard a tentative knocks at his door. Taking a sip of his black coffee, he ignored the sound. Taking the key in his hand, he played with it, tossing it in his hand, wondering. Another row of knocks. He sighed, putting the mug on the counter and slipping his mask in place. He was not going to be left alone, not on this day.

Only opening his door to a slit, “What do you want?”.

Naruto hold his gaze, even if the words were said in a rough tone. “The ceremony will be starting soon, Kakashi-sensei,” he replied in a soft voice. “I thought that, maybe, you would like to know.”

Keeping his voice leveled – because he knew it wasn’t his fault in all of this, he tried to smile, even if he knew it did not show with his mask on. “Thank you, but I won’t be attending it.”

Naruto blocked the closing door with his hand. “Kakashi, they are also doing a small part for Iruka-sensei, so I thought that-”

His brows furrowed slightly. “No.” The mask gave nothing away, but the tone of his voice had been hard; it was the end of the discussion.

Kakashi was known for being respectful for his fallen comrades. Naruto dared the gray eyes. “It would only be out of respect for Iruka-sensei.”

Kakashi ruffled his hair, looking at the ground for some seconds. “Look, I’m sorry. But I don’t want to attend the funeral for someone I don’t consider gone. Please, understand that, Naruto.”

The jinchuuriki said nothing, looking at his feet. Naruto finally scratch his head, looking back at him again. “You’re right, sensei. I’m sorry for this.” Kakashi nodded. They both judged each other for a moment, neither of them risking a word. “Sakura and I will come by later, then.”

Waving his hand as a good bye, he closed his door when Naruto turned the corner of the hallway, rubbing his eyes. He was tired. Everyone was tired. The circles under Naruto’s eyes were surely as deep as his. It was his _brother_ who was gone, after all.

He knew that Hagane would held it against him for not being there. But it was against his principle. They were not gone, and he would not acknowledge their death. The pressure was hard to push back, as everyone seemed to want him to hold funerals.

At some point he had thought of holding one. But he had not been able to put an end to his hope of seeing Iruka again. It was not rational – his brain would repeat it relentlessly that he was being foolish. How could he be? Something under his skin was crawling, and he could not know if it was Obito and Rin trying to tell him something, yet a visit at their graves did not give any answers.

He went back to his kitchen counter, taking his initial place, wondering again if he should at least clean up Iruka’s place. If he could only make it to the apartment, it would be something new. It was not as if he had anything to do, missions were hard to get in those days. He left it to those who needed the money – lots of shinobis were having a hard time getting good payments with this new era of peace.

“Yeah, some kind of peace...” he muttered to himself. There were still shinobis sacrificing themselves for this era. This was no peace.

***

_When I close my eyes, I see Izumo. When I open them, I see nothing. My mind is going numb. I don’t care. Nothing truly matters. Will I only survive this? Should I? I’m partly responsible for my friend’s death, after all. I should have known better. My job in this mission was clear, and I did not intend for my friend to be stuck with me._

_The scientists are active around me. I’m never really alone anymore, but the feeling persist. I’m being checked on, they feed me through tubes, they test my body every day. I see the look on their faces, excitement in their eyes that I haven’t died._

_I wish I had. The things they do to me. It hurts. I can’t even think what they are doing to Izumo now. They always take blood sample. I’ve heard them talk about opening me, looking inside my body._

_They’ve keep bringing other shinobis, strap them to the second surgical table. They aren’t in a pretty shape. They don’t last long either._

_I’m scared. I’m cold. I’m tired. My back hurt for being strapped to that table. From time to time they move me around for a shower. The water stings my skin, and even if I shout out of pain, they don’t stop. There’s nothing much for a man here, they only need a body._

_So let it be, then._

_***_

There was a lot of people. Adults, children, many shinobis he had never met. Well, it was not as if he had ever tried to get into this closed circle of soldiers, he had only a few friends who had taken the job. He saw the leaders of the military force, he saw many legendary shinobi that had survived the Fourth War, he saw one of the lover of the two fallen comrades, but no Sharingan no Kakashi to pay respect to Umino Iruka. It seemed that he had found a person just like the sensei used to be.

As he stood in the back – he was not very tall to see everything that was happening in the front row – he prayed in silence for the life of someone who had been once part of his family. It was at least a thing he could do, even if the man had never returned the favor for his sister.

He had never dared contact him. He had been so young when all of this had happened. Only five years old, he had barely grasped everything out. Yet, he had thought that somehow he would have had the chance to meet the man once again. To figure things out. Too bad, now.

***

They had been jumping from branch to branch since some hours now, making sure to follow a fast pace so they could make a good use of their time. Making sure no one was following, they kept checking for any trace of ninja. No one was to know that they were gone over to the Land of Iron. No one.

Raidou held out his hands to indicate they would stop for a short while. Iruka had barely talked to Namiashi other than on a professional level, making sure to know the mission parameters and when to meet at the gates, but he suspected this man of being ANBU. He had a hard time understanding what this man thought of him, as his eyes always kept this neutral look, this kind of weird nonchalance he either saw in Kakashi.

“It’s been a while you’ve been on a mission, Umino.”

Iruka stared at the dark brown eyes, slightly narrowing his. “Yeah, it has.”

Raidou took out a relaxed breath, that was how Iruka could put it. It was not a sigh, but he had a hard time defining what it was. “We didn’t have a lot of time to discuss yesterday at the meeting. I just want to make sure you’re alright with some of your parts of the mission.”

Izumo scratched his head, trying to not say a thing, shifting uncomfortably from where he was sitting. “Maybe you should put it otherwise, Raidou. You know-”

A short movement from Iruka’s hand silenced him. “No, it’s alright. He’s speaking his mind.” He sighed. “Yeah, it was what I was formed for. Hokage-sama was the one to decide I was fit for the mission.”

“Yeah, but the Uchiha is always so sure of himself. I asked to have a more skilled shinobi for this, but they had none. One of my colleague, a dear friend of mine, died last week in this kind of mission. So, you know.” Raidou crossed his arm on his chest, brushing off the hard look he was given.

If Iruka could have said what was on the back of his mind, he would have. His fists balled and his jaw clenched, ignoring the pain in his muscles. Izumo was impress with the calm tone Iruka answered.“If it’s because of my chunnin rank that you are doubting my capabilities, I would ask you to look at my file again. Because I am clearly able to do this job, whatever it takes. Even if I am the last choice of Konoha administration.”

The jounin smiled slightly, but nothing lit up in his eyes. “Good. Just wanted to clarify things. I’m no Kakashi, Iruka. I won’t let this mission go down because of my comrades, understood? Let’s move.” Just as much it had been surprising to take a break so shortly after their departure from Konoha, Raidou simply started his way again.

“You alright?” Izumo smiled sadly at his friend as they resumed their pace.

The pony tail haired shinobi shrugged. “Yeah. Forget it, it happens all the time. They don’t know me.”

***

_I am a loose end. I’m forgetting completely why I’m here. Even if they are not the ones we thought we would be dealing with, I still have a mission to do. I still need to recuperate as much info as I can._

_Huh. I’m saying that, but I can’t even force myself to open my eyes. I suppose that even if I realize those kind of things, it doesn’t work like this. I can’t even feel my limbs. I don’t even have the impression that I’m breathing. Yet, I suppose I’m still alive, the beeping machine is hurting my ears for so long now._

_“Damn. You’re not pretty.” I can’t clearly take a look of the person in front of me – the light hurts like hell - but the voice tells me something. “Bring him.”_

_Untied, I hissed as they drag me into a darker room. I can’t move my leg nor my arms, but my mind is running through the possibilities to take them down. In the dark, I can discern four men. Four men that clearly don’t see me as a menace anymore. I’m shoved rudely onto a chair, hurting my back, and I’m tied up again._

_“You sure he’ll survive?” Oh. I see. So now it’s that time._

_Someone scoff. “Sure. It’s not as if we wanted to kill him. Well, not now, anyway.” I discern Katashi near a small table, opening some kit. Instruments. “Okay, guys, you can wait outside.”_

_“We’re not suppose to start without Hayato-sama.” The stern voice comes from Kyoshi, who’s leaning against the wall._

_“While he’s away, I’m your superior here.” The glare they send each other would have killed if they could. Kyoshi gives me a glance, and I know from his eyes that he is not happy with what’s happening. Still, he leaves, followed by the others._

_Katashi turns to me, smiling, “We’ll start easily. Where are you from?”_

_I simply stare at the exit. There was some light. It’s not well lit. I wonder exactly where I am. If Konoha has found anything to get to me. If I will simply be able to get out of here._

_My body wants to crawl in a little ball as I feel one of my fingers being snapped. The shout of pain leave my lips without my consent, as I try to control my ragging breath. “Try a bit harder.” I won’t look at him. That’s what he wants. He snaps a second finger, and it’s just worse than the first time. I clench my jaw and hold my breath. Damn. The pain is pounding down my forearm. I can’t barely breath as he goes for my other fingers. I’m seeing black spots. My body wants to be sick._

_“Katashi!” barks Kyoshi, that I recognize by his voice. I hadn’t even registered that someone had opened the door. From the way the atmosphere shift, I know that the leader is here. “Get. Out.”_

_I open only one of my eyes, as if keeping the second one closed for another small moment could help the pain. He is taller than I thought, his dark green eyes on me._

_I’m surprised. Katashi had that dread for vengeance. Hayato seems... sorry. Since the day I’ve been brought here, I’ve felt like a lab rat, a dead man. He sees me for who I am. I might be a traitor from their point of view, but I’m gaining back a sense of humanity._

_He walks calmly in the room, his armor clinging at each of his step, looking at the small table where the instruments are.“Close the door, Kyoshi.”_

_I breath in, I breath out as I study Kyoshi leaning against the wall again, while his superior is getting out some vials.“What... What do you all want of us...” My mouth had opened without my consent. Too late to take it back._

_He still doesn’t look at me. “Simply giving the world a better chance, shinobi. And you have helped us. You and your friend, in fact.”_

_How. Could. He! “You asshole! What have you done to him!” The ropes cut my wrists as I finally found some strength to move._

_He shakes his head and takes a syringe in his hands. “I have done nothing. But what had to be done is done. This is how it works, One-o-six. You know it.”_

_And I know he is right. Like every other hidden village, Konoha has captured enemies to gain info from them. It’s all something that has been done. And as much as those kind of things are not told, they happen. I’m trained for one of those._

_I bit my lip as he injects me something. “So you will listen to me, One-o-six. You seem to have a strong mind, but I don’t think that in your condition you will be able to sustain a lot of it. Therefore, let’s start from the beginning.”_

 


	5. Chapter 5

 

_I still have a hard time grasping reality. If it hadn’t just happened, I would be lost. I don’t know what kind of toxins he injected in my blood stream, but it’s clear that I’m not used to them. My tongue is pasty, I can’t catch my breath... as if water is filling my lungs. When Hayato disappear from my sight, memories are flashing in front of my eyes._

_“What’s your name?” Sandaime asks. Or so it is. I bit my tongue, keep myself from talking. Through the toxins, I know there’s one to make me say things I don’t want to. “Remember what I told you, Shinobi. If you listen to me, everything is going to be alright.”_

_Sure. “I’ll be dead whether or not I talk.” I blink as things become blurry momentarily._

_Sandaime smiles sadly, his arms crossed on his chest a he sighed. “Don’t you understand? I won’t kill you. I will make sure you live so you can find out what we’ve made of the world. We’re not like your kind.”_

_“You should tell that to my friend.” I hope my voice let out all the hate and the murdering intent as much as I feel them._

_“I’m sorry for him, but he was useful for the peace. Kyoshi, inject him a higher dose.” I dare Hayato’s stare as he scratch his gray beard. “You are very well trained, One-o-six. For whom are you working for? Which torture department formed you to sustain such extent? It’s been a while we’ve dealt with shinobis like you. Just like your people, we use from time to time experiments to protect ours.”_

_I’m getting dizzy, the world spins. I try to keep my body from shaking. “Fuck... you.”_

_“But you do know it’s true. We have to make sacrifices. Just as you and your friend were sacrificing yourself for your home, just as you killed my youngest son with that explosion.” I grit my teeth. “He had a son himself, a loving wife, a family that loved him.”_

_It’s... freaking hard. He could be lying. But I can’t shake it off. My mind is reeling. My heart is beating madly, I’m sweating. I brought death to someone who also had a family. It was his son. I killed a father to a child. That man was doing what he thought was right for them._

_I can’t keep my whimper as Hikaru crouches in front of me, her piercing blue eyes hurting with just a look. “Now, will you listen to me?” She touches my cheeks gently and smiles sadly. “What’s your name. Tell me.”_

_“I... I am... No... You are dead. You are dead.” You are dead. You don’t exist, you are dead._

_Breath in._

_Breath out._

_You. Don’t. Exist._

_You. Are. Dead._

_“What is your name.”_

_***_

Sasuke crossed his arms on his chest, his vision falling on the photography of team seven. Sakura had surely put it there in the remembrance of the old days. He could clearly picture her, limpid as water, putting the picture at this place in a way it would not be too much in view to disturb him, but closely enough that he would not miss it if he turned his head.

“Hey! are you listening to me?”

He sighed, closing his eyes before looking back at Naruto, scratching his forehead. “Yes, I am. You sure you’re going? Shouldn’t I?”

The blond simply grinned. “Nah, I am going. Anyway, it’s not like you can choose. Kakashi-sensei won’t follow you out there.”

“Hn.” His index tipping on the desk helped to process through the situation. “The council won’t buy this.”

“Those old gramps will have to. Things are moving. Mifune’s son has been able to gain the upper hand and he has asked for our help. It’s just as if you were sending another team in!”

“Not quite, but it will have to do.” Rising, he took the folders in front of him, “I have to go see Sakura now,” Naruto’s eyes perked up and he stood up, “something about being always in the office and her having to make all the way here from the hospital.” As Sasuke opened the door, he turned to Naruto who promptly sat at the Hokage’s desk. “You have some things to be done here?”

“Yeah, got some papers I have to look at.”

Weird. He thought everything had been taken care of since he was leaving for an unknown amount of time. “Kakashi’s retirement file you had to work on since two weeks now?” The way Naruto skittishly answered, he shook head. “Idiot,” he muttered as he stepped outside, followed by Mouse who closed the door.

Naruto smiled at Owl, and started filling out the form. Even if he was to tell the ANBU that he didn’t need him, he would scoff and just stay there; it was a veteran who wanted to do his job to the end. The jinchuuriki knew that if something was to happen, he would be the one, in fact, rescuing him.

Which was not a high probability. Things weren’t so bad. The last few months had been hard for many of them. There were good things, and there were bad things. Sure, many shinobis were now employed again, but it meant that people were also dying out there. Things were uneasy, being pressured by the other hidden villages for the choices they had made, some on their side, others against. Iruka-sensei was still in those lands, somewhere; he would find him. The fact that Kakashi had not accepted his death surely meant something.

He took a break – it was not the most exciting thing to do, and getting to the middle of the papers had been a good task. He was not sure how Sakura and Sasuke could get through this so easily and keep everything in order.

Stretching his arms, he turned his head, studying the picture held on the shelf, the only one he knew was troubling Sasuke. It had been a good idea to leave it there, instead of his old apartment where it was getting all dusty.

It was a good reminder. A little something to make Sasuke remember that he was their friend, even through doubts and disarray. It had been harder than he had thought, to get the people to accept the Uchiha has their leader. The council had accepted only because he would have to go through Sakura and him, and then all those old people again to approve certain decisions that were to be made.

At least, he had been able to bring him back, even if he knew that it was surely more difficult for his friend than he let it show.

***

Kakashi put his orange book into his pocket as he exited the elevator, each of his steps seemed loud to him as he walked through the hallway. This part of the hospital was pretty quiet, from time to time a nurse would pass by, nodding and smiling to him. He simply stared back, hands in pockets. It was not that he disliked hospitals, but he had lost many people between those walls. But which shinobi had not?

As he stopped at his door, he knew why the knots he had deep down his stomach felt heavy. Visiting a friend was normal, you would take news, talk to them, help them get through the bad times. But as his eyes fell on Raidou’s body, it hurt him. He would have to get used to it, he supposed. To come by as much as he could to talk to him, even if he would never have any answers. Even if the man would never wake up.

He sighed, looking away.

“You can come in, Kakashi.” He looked up and saw a small woman, caramel hair lightly falling on her frail shoulder. “We’ll let Kakashi with daddy, come on,” she hushed to her young girl, tugging on her hand gently.

Kakashi scratched his head. “No, no. I don’t want to shorten your time because of me, Maiko.”

“It’s quite alright. We’re done reading our story, aren’t we?” The way she looked down on her daughter made Kakashi smiled sadly. The child barely nodded, her big brown eyes on him.

“She’s even more beautiful by each passing day.”

Maiko smiled, rubbing one of her eye. “Yeah, she is. She’s just like her dad, so proud and determined.” She kept silent for a moment, taking a deep breath. “I’m sorry, but we need to go. Have a nice day, Kakashi.”

He smiled. “Thank you. Be well, Maiko.”

“Thank you... for visiting him,” she whispered, leaving him in front of the gray door. “Oh! And Kakashi... please don’t be mad at my husband.” He turned around, looking at her. He hoped his eyes said nothing, keeping his face stoic, even as he saw the tears she was trying to hide by wiping them fast. “He did what he thought was right, you know that.”

And as she entered the elevator, Kakashi simply stared at the floor for a moment. “Why you crying, mommy?” he faintly heard as stainless steel doors closed.

Kakashi shook his head, mechanically walking to the blue chair settled in the corner of the room, still emanating heat from the last occupant as he sat on it. Sighing, he ruffled his hair, taking his headband off, his arms resting on his knees, weariness taking hold of his body. The constant beeping of Raidou’s heart were all that muffled his ears. He dared give a glance at his sleeping friend.

Covered by a white bed sheet, he was monitored by different machines, looking peaceful, even if his body seemed so thin compared to what it used to be when his muscles were not atrophied. If Kakashi had not known, he would be sure that it was simply a genjutsu that kept him from waking up. But no. Missions like his were nasty, and nasty missions tended to bring the worse out of the soldiers. He had learned that the poison that had ran through his system had made every chakra pathways collapse.

“He should have died,” Sakura had said. “The only reason he’s alive is because of Tsunade-sama, a good medical team and I, and add sheer luck.”

But he would never wake up. And somehow, Kakashi would have hoped for Raidou’s wife to let him go. It was not a way to finish his life as a shinobi. If it would have been him, Iruka would know what to do. Would he?

He scoffed, resting back against the chair, rubbing his tired eyes. “I’m despicable, you know?” he muttered. “Here I am, thinking that you would be better dead.” He hated himself for thinking that way, but he also could not help the part that yelled that it was Raidou’s fault for taking away his two team mates.

And even if his mind was working rationally over the conversation they had had before, he simply could not just shake it away.

He had known where to find him. Raidou always made his tour of the city before going home, a habit he had developed while working for the third and the fifth. “Iruka told me he was going with you tomorrow.”

Raidou had smiled, scratching his nose. “Ha! Always so forefront, Kakashi. Yeah, I am. What’s the problem?”

“I know you’re not the kind to take shinobis you’re not used to work with. Have you tried casting him off?

He scoffed, rolling his eyes. “Sure did. But there’s no one else. Or so as they say. You know how it goes.”

“Hm. And what do you think?”

Raidou knew Kakashi, and even if the used-to-be-copy nin was trying to look nonchalant, he knew he clearly was not. “We’re not all coming back, Kakashi.” Grey eyebrows frowning, muscles becoming stiff. “And I will try to bring them both back, you can trust me on that.

“But I want you to understand that I will not sacrifice my mission for them. Even if it has to cost my life. I’ll be scum, whatever. But I am not you.”

Kakashi simply stared at Raidou, pondering. “And what about your wife. And your daughters?” he whispered. The way Raidou frowned, looked away and his jaw clenched, Kakashi knew he had swoop low.

“We are friends, Kakashi; we went through a lot together. But it’s my business. And such is yours with Umino. That kid sure knows what he’s getting into, I’ve made sure of that when I explained at the meeting. So don’t come and pull that shit on me. Just talk with him.”

“Sorry, Raidou. I should not be asking this from you.” His eyes swept the floor a second, before facing dark brown ones again. “Be careful on that mission.”

“Sure will. Need to go. Maiko’s waiting for me to pick up Iguri.” And as the silver haired jounin was leaving, he heard Raidou sighed lightly, making him stop in his track. “We’ll be back, somehow. That’s certain.”

Sure will... He had not thought much of the words Raidou had said that day. Yes, they would be back, _somehow_. Kakashi felt shivers roll on his back. Raidou had always even been more realist than he would ever be.

He wondered if the fact that he’d been poisoned was because he had tried to bring them back. Because he had asked. It was easier when he was the one offering his life on the field. It was always harder when it was a friend.

Scratching his masked chin, he took a look at the clock, knowing that he could not wait much longer before going to see Hagane. At Iruka’s apartment. And he was terribly late. He could just hope that Naruto would be done with his papers before he came back at his place.

***

_I focus on my breathing as I try to stop the pounding in my head. I want to be sick, but there’s nothing in my stomach. What they made me swallow is already gone. I barely remember things, or what exactly happened._

_I grunt as I’m shoved back on my chair, ignoring the cold hand patting my cheek – “You’re good, Iruka,” – or the words and the snickering hurting my pride. My legs are still shaking, my knees hurting from standing on them for such a length._

_Don’t think about it. Be glad they know nothing that truly matters. They know nothing of Konoha. Of Kakashi. You did well. It’s part of the job. It’s normal... It’s normal._

_Taking heavy breaths makes my body relax at least a little, and I can think more clearly. It’s been some days since the last session. They clearly won’t kill me. They even patched me up. And that’s what makes it worse._

_I am barely able to move. My muscles have atrophied from being tied up to that cold table. Trying to gather a little to no chakra in the last days, but I haven’t felt a thing. I’m so weak._

_I held up my eyes to the light entering the room as someone comes in. “Hey.” It’s Kyoshi. He’s... different than the others. He knelt in front of me, and instead of amusement in his eyes, I see pain, and sadness. He cares._

_The heat in his hands makes my cheeks burn from the touch. “You should eat. I won’t force you, but you should.”_

_Huh._

_“Don’t scoff. It’s only going to be worse from there on.” He lean towards me, whispering, “Things are getting worse for them. Shinobis are moving. I’ll get you out.”_

_“What?” I have a hard time saying those words. They hurt my throat. But is it true? I frown, my face twisting from my own accord. “Sure.”_

_He lets my face go, and I found myself wanting his hands on my cheeks again. Or anywhere else so I wouldn’t be cold anymore. Such luxuries._

_He put the tray of... food in front of me, before untying my hands. “Be strong, Umino.”_

_I don’t understand. Just thinking about what I should do right now is beyond my energy. I don’t dare look at him as he gets out, the darkness reaching me again. And I’m there, looking at the plate, which food tastes like shit, and the fact that I wasn’t even able to do a single thing while he was there untying me. And I don’t know if I should feel sorry for myself. I just can’t feel a lot of things anymore._

_I let myself fall on the ground, my legs unable to support me, and miserably taking the food with my fingers, I eat it. I don’t know what I’m putting into my mouth, and I don’t want to know, trying to control the gagging each time I try to swallow._

_But he is right. It’s going to get worse. And between shitting and peeing myself, and the fact that I’m going to spill everything I know about Konoha because I’m getting weaker than I was before, I can’t stand the latter._

 

 


	6. Chapter 6

They had been looking for weeks now, moving relentlessly, focused on their task, asking of their bodies to push on. Barely sleeping, always waiting for an ambush, sleeping from time to time in forgotten houses left to decay. They were careful, knowing those foreign lands to be treacherous in this time of civil war. Just the harsh weather was putting them to the test with the heavy snow falling since days now, with no end it seemed.

Everything felt heavy. Their boots, their legs, their frozen clothes. Even their eyelids were forcing them to find shelter for those kind of nights. The lands were empty. The war had made people flee their villages, leave their homes to go wherever they could find protection, help, and maybe some kind of peace. Many people had died; corpses were not always buried, and fire had been a better way to care for them. Many were still dying. From the cold, from the war, from the illnesses running rampage where civilization was gone.

They tried to minimize as much as possible their stop in any villages or cities. The less attention they would draw onto themselves, the better it would be. Yet, they needed to replenish their stock from time to time, since living on ration bars and dry meat was not a long term solution. In those time, they would try to stop at small places they could find on the map – ones that still existed.

Kakashi scratched his masked cheeks and took a sip of his beer. The old looking barn that was now used as a tavern seemed good for the night. No soldier seemed to spend time over here, even if they were not too far from the camp Raidou’s team had infiltrated. People spending their time in this place were either lost souls trying to find a way to forget what they had seen or people having no where else to go anymore.

Kakashi eyed Naruto, asleep in his chair, his head resting in his arms on the table, four empty bowls of what should have been ramen – which were not, Naruto knew what ramen tasted like. He wondered if they truly blended in, even without their headband and shinobi uniforms.

“How are you holding up, eternal rival?”

“I should be the one asking you this question. Is your body hurting in any ways?”

Gai smiled tiredly. “I knew what I was up to when I made this decision, Kakashi. Those wounds from the war are only showing me that I have to be grateful for our youth to be so strong.” Massaging his arms, he studied his silver haired friend intently. He was aware of the limits his body could take. Instead, he wondered if Kakashi knew his.

Maito Gai had never thought his friend would let his mind slip so much for the love he had for the young Iruka-sensei. But you never knew what love could do on a single mind, the way it would churn your inside for such a simple thing as a smile.

“Still, let us know if you need more time. Your muscles’ degeneration could be getting worse.” Kakashi rubbed his eyes, keeping himself from yawning. He was tired. They all were in some sort of way.

Being a shinobi was harder than most people would think, and Gai could only do so much to help him in his condition. “Naruto and I have not found anything that could give us a clue.”

“And there’s not much from what Genma could give us. There wasn’t a lot that we could have from Raidou. Grasshoppers have some lead, but we need to find it. They have not given any disclosed info, only some general observation of what’s happening.” He sighed, ruffling his hair.

They knew there was something. They had heard it. Yet, it kept being invisible, always out of touch.

“We will find him, Kakashi-sensei. I’m sure Iruka-sensei is alright.”

He was surprised. Was not the boy sleeping? “Thank you, Naruto. We just have to keep looking.”

A sad and tired smile formed on his lips. However he would find Iruka, he would not be alright.

 

***

_I thought that I was going to be able to fight it. I thought that I was going to be strong enough to get through it. I won’t, I know. My mind is snapping, even if I’m trying to keep it together. Hayato is good at his job. The toxins are way more stronger than I thought they would be. My physical state doesn’t help. I close my eyes as the walls start to blend together._

_Kyoshi comes less and less. Something’s wrong. I’ve heard them talk. They don’t trust him. Most hates him. They’ve beaten him up in front of my door. No food that night. I’m hungry._

_Strong gloved hands forces my chin up. “Where are you going, Iruka?”_

_I don’t answer. I don’t even know myself. I look into Izumo’s dark eyes. He’s been here for some days now. Whoever enters my room, it’s him. It’s bad. Sometimes, I’m not even sure if there is someone, and that maybe I’m hallucinating. Am I?_

_“Face it, Iruka. You can’t hold it anymore. Let yourself go.” The voice is strained, tired. It’s good to know that things don’t go the way he wanted. I grit my teeth and bit my tongue. Another day, perhaps._

_And as I see Izumo sighs, I know that it’s not him. When it’s only him, he don’t talk, only stares. He stares for so long that sometime I wonder if he ever looks away._

_I barely feel the syringe now. I can’t keep my body from shuddering as I take sharp breath. I hate the feeling._

_“Let’s see how your mind will keep you from this.”_

***

Kyoshi slowly opened the door. He knew that he could not try his luck any more than this, but he had to. He had heard. Heard from Katashi. They had made it. And from what he could see from Iruka, he knew that he had to move fast now.

As he made his way to the gaunt man, he hold his breath from the reeking scent that pestered the room. Kneeling in front of him, ignoring the vomit, he tried to reach for his face. The movement was almost imperceptible, but Iruka had moved his head so his hand would not touch him.

“You’ve got to be strong, Iruka. Please, stay with me.”

Small tremors were shaking the chuunin’s body. “What do you want? Isn’t enough?” he had whispered with a rusty voice.

Kyoshi sighed, biting his lips. “I need a little more time.”

Iruka could not hold it any longer, and let sobs escaped his mouth. “I... can’t.”

“Yes, you can. Look at me.” His hands reached for the tear streaked face, but the brown eyes were empty. “Hold it. There’s so much we have to do in so little time. I promise I’ll bring him here. I promise Sharingan no Kakashi will be here.” He hoped it was recognition he saw in the deep brown eyes.

He heard the door being opened. “Hey, what are you doing here?” It wasn’t Katashi. Good.

He turned to the full armored samurai standing between him and the exit. “I’m assessing the shinobi’s state. We have to make sure he survives it.”

A scoff. “Hayato-sama said that no one should be seeing him. Especially not you.”

“I’m just doing my job, and it’s done. I’m leaving him to you.”

And it was true, he was done. He just needed to make sure he could wrap everything up without too much problem. And as he closed the door behind him, he tried to ignore the fact that the samurai had not followed him outside. He could not care for anyone.

***

_I’m losing my mind. I’m losing what I’ve fought so hard to protect. They know now. They know who I am and where I’m from. They know about Kakashi. They know a lot of things about Kakashi. What will happen? I can’t. I can’t._

_Yet, the important part of Konoha is safe. It’s the only thing I’ve been able to keep. How long...?_

***

Naruto had lead the way for some time. He knew that the two seniors, even as strong as they were, were not in their prime age anymore. It was something he understood very well, even if it was kind of weird to notice. It was not necessarily making them weak in a fight, on the contrary, but he could tell that their muscles for each of them had been built for a different exercise. Making an easier path to walk through the snow field was tiring. It had been a while now there had been any trees.

The land of Iron was so different than Fire country. There was snow everywhere, and trees were only a small part of the lands. It was hard to find any shelter, and moving in the night was worse, the cold becoming problematic as their winter gear was not protecting them well enough. He missed his country.

Since how much time had they left? He hoped that things were alright in Konoha. He knew Sakura was there to help Sasuke, yet what would happen with the council?

He stopped in his track, holding his hand in the air as a sign for a halt. Something was bothering him. Other than the fact that they were making their way in the open, it was this small presence he felt, but could not pinpoint.

Kakashi scratched is chin. “What’s the matter?” said Kakashi. They had decided to take information from bigger places. If they could not find a thing by themselves, they had to move differently.

“Someone’s been following us. Have you feel it?”

Kakashi frowned. Searching around him, extending his chakra, he barely felt it. That person had either very little chakra, or could control it very well, unable to know where it was.

“His chakra his so small, I thought at first it was a civilian. But he is progressing in parallel to us.”

“I do not think this person wants to defy us, or else they would have been more straightforward or we would have fallen in an ambush,” added Gai.

“Yeah. But where does it come from?”

“From here.”

Naruto’s eyes widen as he saw what Kakashi was pointing. “A rock?”

Kakashi closed his eyes mere seconds, wondering how come Naruto could be so dense sometimes. “We know you are there. Step out of your hiding place.”

A blond man slowly walked in front of the rock. “I’m not hiding. I don’t want to fight you eit’er.”

“What do you want?!” shouted Naruto. He felt a hand on his shoulder.

“I know him,” said Kakashi in a low voice. “He’s a grass shinobi.”

“What?”

“He’s the one I was sent with Genma to get the Intel Scroll.”

“His chakra doesn’t feel right for a shinobi.”

“And what is it that you are seeking from us, grass shinobi?”

“We shouldn’t be discussing out here; patrols are looking out. T’ere is an old tunnel t’at I found out by inadvertence. T’is is how I could find you before you reached the next village. Come.”

The decision was not hard to make, not bothering to reach a consensus they had already made in silence. Reaching the rock, they found out a hole that was partly hidden. Pretty convenient.

The tunnel was dark and cold, but at least the wind was not bothering them anymore. It opened on a small room – if you could call it that. The tunnel was simply enlarging, giving enough place to put a small table and a small number of people.

“How did you find us, Grasshopper?”

“Always so forefront, Sharingan no Kakashi. I wasn’t expecting to find you so fast. I have my connections.”

“What do you want!” Naruto had a hard time to keep his calm.

“To bring you to your soldier, Umino Iruka.”

Was it true? None of them could tell, Kyoshi’s face partly hidden in the dark.

“You know where he is? Take us to him!”

Kakashi was glad that Naruto could talk, since his mind was reeling, keeping him from uttering a word.

It was bad. That guy knew he was linked to Iruka. He feared the worst. He had to stop analyzing, because now he was picturing things that he did not want in his head. But he had to face reality. And reality was shoving him that his lover had failed at his mission.

“In exchange, you have to help me to get t’e last things I need.”

“And that is?”

“Mifune-sama’s troops are moving toward us for help, but t’ey are not going to be fast enough. You have to help me keep t’ings from being destroyed. I’ll explain everyt’ing on the way.” Without waiting, he simply started a run through the tunnel, and they followed without a glance back. “You are aware t’at Mifune’s son has been able to overt’rown the government t’at had taken place after t’e revolution. Some of us have been able to work under t’e enemy’s veil, such as Konoha. My last partner died because he was ratted out.

“He had found out about t’e lab, but had not been able to do anyt’ing more before he was found out. I agreed to take his place. It’s been mont’ that I’ve followed t’em. I did some dirty work, I won’t hide it. I was born here. Makes me t’e perfect candidate to be a mole.”

“It makes sense why Takeshi wasn’t at ease with you around,” stated Kakashi. “But why Grass country?”

“Because. You should focus on t’e fact t’at Hayato – one of t’e general helping t’e rebels – have found out t’at shinobis have taken a side in t’is. He is already working on destroying evidence a group of scientists was working on.”

“What do you mean?”

“T’ey are working on somet’ing t’ey say will be a cure. I didn’t understand much of it, but I have copied what I could find on it. Somet’ing about chakra pat’ways or else. T’ey won’t find out I’m t’e mole.”

That man sure was confident on this, Kakashi thought. From every spotlight they passed, he could see how Grasshopper’s face was thin and showed mark of abuse: a swollen eye and dried blood under his nose, a small cut near his jugular.

They had turned through different tunnels. It was a long maze. Right, right, left, straight, right, Kakashi calculated. He hoped Gai had taken time to memorize it.

Grasshopper stopped to a walk near some stairway that gave place to a door. “We don’t have much time. I’ll bring you to Umino, but I need cover.”

And as Gai studied the stairs, he saw blood running down the walls, a badly beaten and cut body hanging in them, some articulations dislodged. He studied Naruto and Kakashi. Minato’s son was bracing himself, he had waited so long to find his Iruka-sensei. Kakashi was cold, calculating and collected. He knew what he was up to. He was used to this. “Naruto and I will cover you. Kakashi will remember the way to the cell.”

“What? Why!”

Kakashi eyed Gai. “Gai is right, Naruto. They are withholding very important information that could be valuable to Sakura, Sasuke and you.”

“But-” Naruto gritted his teeth. He knew what both men were up to. He was not that blind, not that stupid. They thought he would not be able to sustain what they would find of Iruka-sensei. But at the same time, they were right. What he could find was valuable, and he remembered pretty well what Sasuke wanted too. He looked a this foot for a moment, “Yeah. Right. We should be going, then. Show us the way.”

***

_It’s been days since I’ve seen anyone. I... I suppose that I did like for them to take care of me. It’s wrong. But I feel so alone and... shallow. I’m not worth a thing. They’ve won. I’ve failed. Miserably. So much for telling Kakashi that I was strong enough._

_Time pass slowly. I count my days as I see Izumo’s corpse stand there, looking at me with dead eyes. His veins run on his gray skin, and sometimes he let out a long, deep breath that sounds like a cry. “Kaaakaaashhiii.” It’s hard to ignore._

_Sometimes he leaves, this would be a night. When he comes back, another day starts. I’m at fourteen. I wonder if this is what death is. You stand there and watch the people you love without being able to do a thing. I’m delirious. I’ve got too many toxins in my blood. I’m being poisoned... Too bad. I’ll be gone soon. They’ve been moving, and it’s not as they wanted._

_Here, someone’s open the door. A samurai. He has blood on his drawn katana. I can’t barely support my body, yet I don’t want him to kill me this way, tied up to a chair, sitting in my own piss and feces. “Untie... me.”_

_He says nothing. It’s not as if he should. Here. Come. It’ll be over. His steps seem to be so slow. Only two more. He grabs my hair, making me hiss, forcing to look at his helmet. “You’ve been a good enjoyment. Too bad we have to dispose of you, scumbag.”_

_Sure, do so. Who would care. It’s not as if Kyoshi was trustworthy. I feel the blade against my throat. I take a shaky breath, expelling a shuddering breath one last time. But he stops dead in his track, gurgling, before falling on his side._

_“Iruka! Iruka look at me.”_

_Kakashi? Fingers check my neck, gray eyes trying to find something. What?_

_“Damn. Iruka, I’m here,” he whispers into my ears as he takes me into his arms after untying my numb hands. “Say something, please.” His voice his shaking. His voice never shakes. Not in my memories. He knows. Oh, he knows._

_There’s only one thing I deserve, Kakashi._

_“Please, kill me.”_

***

“So, when do you think Naruto’s coming back? It’s been a month now.”

Sasuke put down the dishes he was cleaning. “Hn. It’s Naruto. Who knows?”

Sakura sighed, stretching her arms and legs from her sitting position. “Yeah, but still.” She stood up, bringing her own dish to the sink. “Thank you for the help.”

Sasuke said nothing, simply washing the used dishes. It was fair for the dinner she had cooked.

“Oh. Sorry for my absence at the council meeting today, the operation took longer than expected. How are they taking things?”

The fact that many of the shinobis still held a grudge against him was not helping his reputation. Well, he supposed that what he had done was not going to be forgotten so soon. He closed his eyes for a moment, before turning to her. “I’m sorry too.”

She leaned against the counter, her eyebrows rising. “About what?”

“What I did to you.”

She smiled. A sad smile, he noted. “No worry. If I thought you would be trying to kill me, you wouldn’t be here.”

They became silent, staring at each other. They had made decisions in their life, and even if she knew Sasuke had done so because he thought it was what had to be done, it did not mean to her that he was not in the wrong. He should have trusted his friends. He should have trusted Naruto and her.

You can’t love someone who abused you for his own sake; taking down whoever stepped on his path; taking the one that trusted him as shield. She did wonder sometimes what had happened to Karin, after the war.

She heard the door of her apartment open. “Naruto? You’re-” She did not finish her sentence.

Naruto was weathered down, his skin hardened by the cold he had worked against since weeks, his body thinner by the rationed food. She was aware of those facts; shinobi on the field all came back with different problems due to their long time work. Chakra depletion, food deficiencies, wounds, tiredness. Those were just a few between what she was treating.

Yet, that his eyes would be so angry? She was not prepared for that. “What happened?”

“You could have send someone else.”

“What are you talking about, dobe?”

“You know very well what I’m talking about! You could have talk to me before sending Iruka-sensei in!”

Black brows furrowed. “He was the best choice. And it’s not as if he was not old enough to take his own decision.”

In a blink of an eye, strong hands took Sasuke by the shirt. “There was plenty of other shinobis to send. A lot of them are looking for work!”

“Take your hands off me,” Uchiha whispered in a very low voice, his eyes narrowed and piercing.

Naruto gritted his teeth. “I trusted y-”

He yelped as he felt pulled away from Sasuke with force.

Sakura was between them, holding each as far as her arms could take them from each other. “Hey! Haven’t you had enough of a war, both of you?!” she snarled. Studying both of them, Sasuke shaking off her grip as he scoffed, Naruto coming back to his senses, she let the blond go. “You are both acting stupid! As far as I’m concern, Sasuke is not the only one at fault here!”

“I’m... sorry, Sakura. It’s just-”

She shook her head, nudging Naruto to sit at the table. “Hey, it’s okay. Sasuke will get over this, won’t he?” she chided the Uchiha over her shoulder. Something was way too off to her taste, and as she worked hard to control the level of stress getting on her mind, she went to fill a glass of water. “Here. Tell us what happened. Is Iruka-sensei... alright?”

 


	7. Chapter 7

 

Kakashi used to like the weight of kunais in his hand. How practical they were, always easily hidden and at your disposition in times of need. It was a useful weapon, a deadly weapon. Yeah, deadly. Slamming it on his counter, he gritted his teeth, shutting his eyes, trying to keep himself from screaming.

His mind was not able to keep him from his emotions. All of this, for that. He hated who he was at the moment. He hated being a shinobi. What should have he done in a case like this? It was exactly why he had fought so hard to remain only a tool and a rational person, without being attached to anyone.

Iruka had put a balm on some of his fears. He had not arranged everything, it had not been his job, but he had helped to gain some peace on some elements of his life. And now, Kakashi wondered what should have been his job.

The job of the shinobi? Protect your village at all cost?

Or the job of the lover? Protect the one you love?

He saw a dark figure unlocking his window with a kunai, before a gloved hand slid the white mask to rest on top of the brown hair. “What do you want, Tenzou.”

“Just checking on you. I heard.”

Saying nothing, he rubbed his face tiredly. “Really?”

The ANBU simply sat on the corner of the table, his lips forming a small smile. “Your friends are talking. How are you feeling?”

Kakashi scoffed, crossing his arms on his chest. “What do you want?”

It had not been the right question to ask, it seemed. “Offer some help. We’re friends, that’s what a friend would do.” He scratched his head, judging Kakashi. He was standing very still in his kitchen, deep circles under his eyes, his body stiff and hungry. He had not cared much for himself lately. Hell, for some months now.

“There’s nothing you can do. There’s nothing I can do either.”

“That bad?”

“You know very well how it is. You sign as a child to become a shinobi, to protect your village and the people. You accept plainly to just be a pawn in a bigger game, and you have to do your best, or else...” His stance shifted as he took a moment of silence, his eyes staring at a family picture without seeing it. “Then, you grow older and you realize that there is more to this. Mixing family with the shinobi life is not something I was made for.”

Yamato stood up, reaching for Kakashi carefully. “You shouldn’t let things go like this. It’s not because it hasn’t work between us that everything is lost when it comes down to those kind of things. I have since a long time accepted that being ANBU was my life. I wouldn’t do anything else. But it’s not you.”

The copy nin let the gloved hand stay on his shoulder. So Tenzou had also heard about this. “I need to do something. If I couldn’t be a good lover, then I should be a good shinobi at least.”

“What happened back there was not your fault.”

“What were you told? To be checking on me? Is it Naruto?”

“Sakura.”

A sigh. “She’s too perceptive.”

“What you’ve decided was the right thing.”

“And how do you know?”

“’Cause it means that you’re giving yourself a chance.”

“And him, did I give him a chance?”

***

Kyoshi sat lazily in the chair, his head resting on his fist. “So t’is is all of what I was able to get.” He never liked that he was not able to read the Uchiha face.

“Is it all the documents?”

“Huh. T’is is what you asked for.” Black eyes narrowed slightly. “T’is is not my problem; I had my orders. You’ll talk wit’ the ot’er Kages and Mifune’s son.”

Sasuke gritted his teeth, leaning back in his chair carefully. “You will have the medical supplies just as it had been dealt.”

“Good. Do we have anyt’ing else to discuss?”

“Yes.” He turned his head over his shoulder at the door that had just closed to two shinobis. He recalled Naruto, who had helped him to make all the intel secure and to get everyone, but the pink head he had never seen her. Her green eyes looked at him with apprehension as she sat behind the desk on the left of the black haired boy. “Naruto told me you have helped getting Umino Iruka here. We thank you for that.”

He scratched his head tiredly, sighing. “Don’t. I haven’t work wit’ t’is idea in mind, and I don’t want your t’anks for t’is.” He felt better as he saw them dealing with those new thoughts. He was no savior. Simply someone who had decided to use everything at his disposition. And he knew Naruto felt the same way toward him, the staring blue eyes hard.

Sakura looked at the files she held in her hand for a second, wondering how someone could be so cold and calculated. She never understood Sasuke on that either. And as she resumed, she held her chin high, “Now that it is clear, I need to know what they did to our soldiers, Kamizuki Izumo and Umino Iruka. Since you were present when they tortured them, I need to know what chemicals and tools they used.”

He grunted as she handed him different forms that he had to fill. Really?

“The only reason I’m not making you pay for this, Grass stain, is only because dobe here has agreed that you fulfilled your term of the contract.”

Kyoshi smiled back at Naruto, knowing very well how everyone wanted his head. “I trust you on t’is, Jinchuuriki.” But he had done what had needed to be done. He was free to go from his homeland, and free to live in this one under Grass protection. He had been able to protect the only person he felt inclined to.

***

He hated this. He hated it so much. Shaking hands in his pockets, gritting his teeth so strongly his jaw hurt, he tried to control himself. He tried to muffle his sniffling as he made his way through the hospital, ignoring the stinging in his eyes and the pity he felt people were giving him.

What had they done to his lover? He had barely been able to identify him down in the morgue. He had not been able to register everything the medical examiner had told him. He knew that he had suffered a great deal from the burns and some shattered bones got from an explosion. But he also knew that Izumo had been a lab rat. His eyes had been gouged out, his skull opened- How could they?!

He snarled, his fist connecting with a wall. The pain he felt in his hand was not a good incentive, and his rage was still burning through him. Nurses looked at him with wary eyes. He had to behave, he knew how things worked. He had to calm down. He had to. Or else how was he going to get through the next part?

As he approached the closed door, he tried to compose himself. Hatake was not as bad as he thought he was. He had, in the end, brought him back Izumo. Dead, but at least he was finally home. Yet, Kakashi had been the luckiest of them both. Or had he?

As Kotetsu opened the door slowly, he tried to hide behind a blank mask as he saw Iruka.

“H... ey...” The throaty greeting had been followed by a weak cough. Still, both seemed hard on him as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

“Hey. No, no, don’t move, ‘Ruka. Don’t. It’s quite alright.” He was not able to keep his voice from shaking as he tried to sound positive. Sitting in the blue chair at the side of the bed, his hand reached for Iruka’s one. The chuunin did not react, already worn out and slumbering. Kotetsu was not able to keep himself from letting out a small sob, muffling it by biting his own wrist.

He felt the weirdly twisted fingers in his hand. How cold and bony the hand was. The arms seemed too long for his body, his head too big on those frail shoulder and heavy-looking collarbone. A thin duvet had grown on his skin, his body fighting to keep him heated somehow. If it hadn’t been for the machines around him certifying his hearth was beating and that he could hearing him breath, Kotetsu would not have given him a chance of being alive.

Hidden under thin blankets, he knew that what he only saw of the body didn’t show the extent of the injuries. From what he had seen from Izumo’s state, he could deduce Iruka’s one. There was a severe chakra depletion, along with malnutrition and fever. And yet, he could not even start to wonder how things where going to turn out mentally.

They had seen a lot of things as shinobis. They had witness many deaths, friends and family alike. Yet, somehow, when one would come back from a mission in this kind of state, you always wondered if it was for the best. Because as Iruka was, he was mostly dead. Machines were keeping him alive. He shivered.

“I am so sorry, Iruka,” he whispered, weeping his eyes with his now free hand. “For what you’ve been through. I’m so sorry.”

And just as many years ago, he wondered why his friend had agreed on taking such a position in this job. Why? Torture and Interrogation was not where shinobi had the most chance of staying alive. Not when sent out on the field. He could have taken something else. He could have decided that he was not made for this after the chuunin exam. But he supposed that his jounin-sensei from back then had messed up with his head to make sure he would stay. As if he had love him.

Iruka’s head moved – Kotetsu realizing he had scoffed without even knowing – but did not woke up. He would be there for him, as much as he could. They both needed it.

***

“Yes, you gave him a chance, Kakashi.”

“Ha! Yeah, you say so when you didn’t hear him plead me for ending his life.” He pointed a picture of his father, trying to contain his anger. “And do you think he will get through the shame he will live with from having sold out his village?” He knew better than that. As much as he had been able to tell Iruka he had done the right thing for Hikaru back then, he had not been able to give him the same mercy. For who’s sake?

Yamato looked at the floor for a moment. He did not know what to tell the older man. He had a point. Even him had a hard time living with the fact that he had been used against his will in the Fourth War. He had kill so many of his comrades. “I’m sorry. I understand.”

Kakashi let his arm fall to his side. “I won’t get back into ANBU, but I will get back on active duty. Things aren’t going to go so well now with how everything has turn out. Gai and Naruto have been able to control some data to go out, yet our village have been weakened. We’ll need every soldier we can have.”

Tenzou nodded. “But until they really need you, spend your time with him. He will need it. And you will too. Leaving him alone will only reinforce the feeling that he has truly failed Konoha.”

“I know.” They stayed silent for a moment, the ANBU soldier sitting back on the arm couch. “You should have heard him on our way back,” Kakashi explained in low voice, as if it was a dark secret he was remembering himself.

Iruka did hold him in some high esteem he had not let out through the years, for him having the Sharingan persona. Even if it did not affect the overall of their relationship, there had been something that seemed to have reached the chuunin on how he was supposed to perform.

Tenzou stood up, “I’m sorry, but I have to go. Kurenai and Genma will pass by later on the day.”

“Thanks, Yamato.”

The ANBU smiled as his hand said good bye, before he fled by the window with his mask in place.

Yamato had been right. Kakashi needed to be by Iruka’s side, both for him and for his lover. Because he knew that even if the first times Iruka would lay his eyes on him, even if they were mostly unfocused and lost, he knew that the chuunin was trying to understand why Kakashi would be there, by his side. He needed for his man to understand and remember that what had happened, as much as he had done everything he could, there was nothing he had done to be held responsible.

They had not talked since Iruka had asked him to die. Mostly because he was not strong enough to barely pronounce a word yet, but also because the ponytail haired shinobi did not know what else to say. It was the only thing turning around and around in his head. It was the only thing that seemed plausible, even when all of his friends came to visit him, to tell him how happy they were for him to still be with them.

Naruto was one of the first to visit, beside Kotetsu and Kakashi, crying and apologizing for what Iruka had agreed to do. How weird, he thought, but never said a thing. Tsunade and Sakura did not say it, but their eyes shouted the same apologies each time they came to take care of him, checking his vitals and evaluating the progress he made. Kurenai and Genma were there from time to time, exchanging who would take care of the kids while taking time to visit him. Sometimes they were lucky enough to have Naruto babysit them so they both went.

Eventually, Iruka wrote down his report, once he was able to do so. He tried to ignore the fact that his handwriting would never be as neat as it used to be back then. Even if they had worked to alleviate the pain in his right hand, the broken fingers had badly healed. Just as his left leg. Instead, it was easier to just sleep the day long, after being so tired by staying the whole night up because of nightmares, anxiety, or a panic attack.

As much as his psychnin wanted him to work to get better, he could still not find it in him. Iruka shot a glance to Kakashi who had just entered his room, before simply going back to looking at the window, though he felt his lover strong hands take one of his. He did not mind.

In fact, it was one of the things he preferred at the moment, the only way he finally felt connected with someone around him. The only time where he felt that he was taken back into reality, his mind always harping him into a dark labyrinth.

It was so sunny outside. What time of the year was it?

“We’re in the middle of the hot season.”

Iruka frowned lightly. “What?”

A small smile formed on Kakashi’s lips, even though he was always perturbed by Iruka’s emotionless voice he had once he would finally talk. “Konoha’s citizens are preparing for the festival.”

Huh. He had not thought so much time had passed. He had to know. His head wouldn’t let it go. He had to understand. “Why didn’t you do what was best for me?”

The silver haired shinobi looked away, feeling his body heavy and tired. He scratched his cheek. “I know... that my responsibilities as a shinobi are clear. My mission was to take you home.”

A shrug. “I know. Sharingan no Kakashi is all about missions. But what of you, ‘Kashi? Why couldn’t you just give me what I truly deserve? You should know better.”

His gloved hands were trembling, his jaw clenched shut. Pictures of his father committing suicide, the blood on the floor, the body getting colder as its life was swept away. The silence that stood was just as if a wall of lead had been dressed in between.

He is ill, he needs time to heal, his mind kept telling him. He opened his mouth, closed it back. It was with a throaty voice that he could finally speak. “Do you trust me, Iruka? Do you trust me, if I tell you that it can go away... that feeling of dread that you feel?”

Brown, distressed puffy eyes were trying to find gray ones. “I... don’t trust myself. I don’t trust what I’m able to do...”

“You have failed this mission, yes.” Kakashi pinched his lips, staring for a moment at hurt brown eyes. “But it was not because you wanted to, it’s not because you decided to. You didn’t make this choice, I know that of you. You would have died instead of doing so. But your body couldn’t support it anymore, as much as your mind.” His left hand letting go of Iruka’s one, it swept the tears off his bearded lover’s cheeks. “Even if you die, would it change the outcome? Would your death redeem the political wrongs actually happening?”

“I... don’t know. My mind is screaming ‘yes’. I feel as if... I could have done better. I could have been stronger. I could have- I don’t know! Make it through! And the problem is, whatever you say won’t make me change what I feel right now! And it’s been such a long time like this! The meds don’t help, my psych don’t help! I feel as if there’s nothing to do so I can just take a breath!” Iruka gritted his teeth, trying to control his anger, balling his fists. He had wanted to die back there. He had accepted his end.

A sigh and a face hiding behind gloved hands. What was it that should have been done? Yet, the jounin remained silent.

Iruka would have thought Kakashi to leave after his words, but his boyfriend stayed crisped on is chair, silent, unfocused. And he knew well that he could not be strong for him if he was not strong for himself. He wanted to, but he was so scared. It hurt everywhere, from deep inside to the shell that was his body.

A soft knock was heard, a nurse opening the door.

“I am sorry to interupt, Umino Iruka, but Hokage-sama wishes to speak with you,” she eyed Kakashi, “privately.”

The copynin glanced at his lover – who answered in a small nod, desperate to have no fight over him right now – before defiantly staring at the fierce black eyes as he left the room without a noise. Iruka tried to smile, hiding his pain as he tried to adjust himself, “Hokage-sama, I didn’t thought you would be here today.”

“There’s no need,” started Sasuke, trying to ignore the red rimmed eyes Iruka had. He took the medical chart hanged at the bed post, shifting through the form. “You are progressing well in your current condition, which are good news.”

“How come do I owe you a visit?” The words felt aggressive, yet Iruka could not fathom a way how to put it. Since months now Sasuke had not even come to see him. He had given his report to Sakura, helped by the presence of Kakashi and Tsunade. He knew that both Sandaime and Godaime would have taken time to come and talk to him, to at least take the report directly from him.

The Uchiha said nothing. What should have he done? He knew. He had been told countless and countless time again. But he was busy. He had to take care of so many different political problems, some regarding the shinobis and others he felt completely irrelevant to the situation. Clenching his jaw, he carefully sat on the blue chair Kakashi occupied before.

But there he was. At the side of his former sensei, wondering what he was suppose to tell him. “I’m sorry, Iruka-sensei, for what happened to you.” There, it was a start.

“No, you’re not.” Black eyes narrowed slightly as Iruka made a small, sad smile. “I knew the risks and I took them. You work the same way I do. There’s no need to feel sorry, it’s how things work in this job.”

“Hn. Still, I should have come sooner. I _am_ sorry for not being able to do so. Well... to not have taken the time to do so. It was my duty.”

The chuunin said nothing. There was nothing to be said. The young adult – because he had to face it, Sasuke was still so young to take this position as Hokage – had made a decision he felt was right, but was harder to be shouldered than he thought. Or at least, it was what Iruka had come to as a conclusion.

“Thank you, Sasuke.” His lips could not form the wide smile that he would normally bore as he saw Rokudaime surprised face. He looked at his hands resting on his belly. For the boy to come and say such words showed how far he had come by. It eased the restless resentment he felt of his own failure somehow.

“I know you are tired, but I also came to talk to you because the situation in the Land of Iron is stabilizing.” Iruka stiffened, his hands being suddenly interesting in the way they twisted awkwardly. “We learned there had been different stations like the one you were hold in. They are calling in testimonies.”

Surprised brown eyes shot up. “What?”

“And since you are one of the few survivors, they could need it. Would you be able to do so?”

“I- I don’t know.” Iruka bit his lips, twisting his hands. However he breathed in, air wouldn’t stay in his lungs to oxygenate his body, his heart beating too fast, hurting in his chest, arms and legs.

Stay calm. Stay. Calm. He had over-thought this. He knew. He had just long forgotten it would finally happen. He was anxious, at a scale of zero to ten: eight. Taking a long, calming breath, he memorized different objects in his room. Blue bedsheets, black hair, white walls, gray door. Blue, black, white, gray.

Sasuke didn’t move nor said a thing. Sakura had told him how sometimes Iruka would get anxious, and how it could get worse.

It took some time, but Iruka finally opened his mouth, hesitating. “I... can’t. As much as I wanted, I can’t. I’m sorry. It’s not something I can do. But... Tsunade-sama told me my report would be fine.”

The black haired man nodded. “I understand. I will let you rest, now.”

Iruka nodded, looking at his bedsheets, trying to control the still jumbled emotions he felt. “Just... let Kakashi in,” he mumbled, trying to contain his tears.

“I am sorry, Iruka-sensei.”

The door closed, leaving him alone with Izumo always standing by it, staring at him without ever blinking, without ever moving.

***

Waiting by the door felt inconvenient. Sighing, one last look at it, he made his way toward the only coffee machine he had found out on this floor, which was a few hallways away from Iruka’s room. Better make his time worth it, instead of waiting there.

A good, strong, black coffee would do him great, he thought as he pushed the buttons, the humming of the machine disturbing the relative silence. The only sounds heard were some constant beeping medical machine, some muffled voice, and someone coming toward him. Oh well. So much for being alone.

“Hatake.”

“Hagane.” Focusing on his coffee, he barely acknowledged the newcomer, letting him walk passed him. “Iruka is presently having a meeting with Rokudaime.”

Kotetsu looked at him briefly, pondering his choices. “Oh. Well, I suppose I’ll be waiting then.” Watching the scenery of the hospital courtyard thorugh the window made the situation almost comfortable. How come were they such stubborn men, he wondered. “So. How are you doing?”

“Hm, good.” Minutes flew by as Kakashi simply took small sips of his beverage, his mask bothering him. He had gotten used to have it off of his face most of the time.

The chuunin sighed, turning to the coffee machine. “Still mad at me?”

“And you?” Still so childish of him. Taking in the fact that Iruka’s friend was gritting his teeth, trying to be polite and civil. Yeah, maybe he should know better. Kakashi studied the wiring machine, making a moka coffee. Interesting. He cleared his throat. “Maa, sorry, Hagane. You clearly have the right to be mad at me, I recognize it. It was uncalled for.”

Dark brown eyes studied tired gray ones. A small scoff could not be contained. “Sure.” Leaning against the wall, he took a taste of his sweet hot beverage, trying to ignore the texture of chocolate powder on his tongue and the fact that Sharingan no Kakashi was, in the end, not such an idiot for social civilities. “How long is the meeting anyway?”

“I can’t tell.” Kakashi knew what they would be talking about, and he could do nothing about it. By the way Kotetsu was fretting, fingers tapping the cardboard mug relentlessly, they both knew about it. There were many things you could learn in such a village if you wanted, pulling the right strings. “He’s doing a lot of progress lately, you know?”

“Yeah, it’s a good thing. There’s a lot to do, however. ‘Zumo would have been great at helping ‘Ruka getting back on his feet.” Kotetsu bit his lips, concentrating on his breathing. “I’m trying, but I’m not him.”

As much as they stood away from each other, the coffee machine separating them, Hatake tried to leave him as much space as he needed to, to mourn his lover. “I am sorry for your loss. He was a great shinobi.”

“I know, you already told me. Thank you for bringing him back, though.”

Kakashi scratched his cheeks. “I wish I could have done better.”

“Everyone wishes for missions to be successful. We should be glad that, at least, we have two of them home.”

He said nothing back. Much more like one shinobi out of three. One certified dead, one barely living, trapped in a comatose state, and one fighting to stay afloat.

“Where did you find him?”

He frowned. “What?”

“You heard me well.”

“It’s classified information.”

“Bullshit.”

“It’s not a good idea.” He fought the stare back, before grunting. “His body... had been tossed in a single pit,” he whispered, clenching shut his free hand. “Naruto and Gai found him among the others. They were going to... bury them soon enough.”

Kotetsu could not talk, could not muster a thought. “I see,” was the only thing that crossed his lips. He should not have been so surprised, his mind started. They were simply lab rats, after all.

“Look, I shouldn’t have told you this-”

“No,” the chuunin cut the jounin short. “It’s... alright. I- I have to go.”

“Wait!” Kakashi grasped his arm, “Take time to go see Iruka. He’ll need it.”

He did not dare to turn back. “I can’t. And I don’t think it’ll be right. Not after what the Uchiha will have told him. He doesn’t need me today. It will only make things worse.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah. I’ll... just come back later. I need time to think this through.”

“Right,” Kakashi said to himself, watching the lower ranked shinobi leaving hastily. Everything was such a mess. Walking back to Iruka’s room, he found out that Sasuke had left. He controlled himself to not let his anger take place as he saw his lover bundled form, shaking and trying to calm down.

“Hey,”he whispered.

Brown eyes shot up, haggard. “Kakashi, I am so sorry. So, so sorry. I should have known better. I should have understand that I was not strong enough for this. You should not be trusting me. I sold you out. I- I sold you out!” The chuunin had a hard time breathing, holding his head in his hands, he was not able to stop everything he felt.

“Iruka. I’m here.” He approach him with small steps, showing his hands in front of him.

“Why are you here?”

“Because I love you, no matter what.”

“Why? Why! I failed you.” He shut his eyes, clenching his jaw. He swallowed. “You shouldn’t be trusting me.”

Kneeling at the side of the bed, the silver haired man dared touch gently one bony hand. “Hey, hey,” he said with a soft voice, taking his mask down with his other hand. “Whatever you told them, I think Konoha is highly able to take care of herself. Even if they know some part of my life, there are still things that are hidden by our work.”

It took time, but seeing Kakashi’s full lips move, the small scar on his inferior lips smile confidently at him helped Iruka to take a deep breath. “I’ve talked... ” He chuckled – which sounded more as if he was choking on his breath than a chuckle. “You are going back there. I know that. Don’t make that face. I can’t go, but you’ll have to. Just... I’m scared of what will be said. I’m scared for you.”

“Hm. I’m a grown man, Sensei. No worry, I’ll be able to defend myself.”

Iruka smiled, a small, tiny smile that was years behind the brightest ones Kakashi preferred. “I know. But they have leverage. Leverage that I am responsible for. They... played with me on this.” His eyes were searching for memories. “They said things, did things...”

“Don’t. Don’t talk if you don’t want to. What happened was out of your control. You could only survive.”

Iruka stared in those pained but hopeful gray eyes. Kakashi might not have his Sharingan anymore, he was still as impressive as he ever was. This ability of him to put the job aside so easily, and then to take it back, wearing it like a jacket, Iruka wondered if the way he had construct Sharingan no Kakashi was a part of this.

“Give yourself time, even if you don’t feel like it. Trust me as I trust you.”

Iruka scoffed and shook his head. Rubbing his eyes, he finally let out a small breath. “I’ll try.”

Kakashi smiled. “Thank you.” He kissed his forehead lightly. “You are not alone, be sure of that,” he whispered, even if he knew the words did not reach their intent.

 

 


	8. Chapter 8

 

“So, can I have the pudding now?”

Iruka sighed and rolled his eyes at his friend, pushing his plates toward him. “Sure, it’s not as if it was any good.”

Kotetsu grinned as he saw Iruka’s small smile formed as he took the dessert with haste. “Come on! They aren’t that bad, ‘Ruka,” he said, mouth full of pudding. “See? Chocolate! Better than the butterscotch one.”

Seriously, his friend would be choking to death if he kept eating this fast. He chuckled. “I never believed ‘Zumo saying that you were an empty stomach on two legs.”

“Ha! Yeah... He used to be mad at me about that.” Silence took place, bringing memories back. “You know, it’s been a while, but I hope you don’t hold yourself responsible for him.” A small sigh was barely heard, but no words were said. “It’s just... Sorry. I have no right to say that.”

“No, no. It’s alright, I suppose.” It took some time, but brown eyes finally looked back at dark eyes. “You also have a lot to deal with. It’d been a while that you were together.”

Kotetsu left the empty pudding package on the side, taking the plate toward the garbage. “Quite some years... Hm. Anyway, what were your plans for today?” he asked as he started pushing Iruka’s wheelchair toward the cafeteria exit.

“I have some time before rehab. I thought about giving a visit to Raidou.”

“Sure. I’ll bring you there.” They turned a hallway, Iruka nodding to a nurse walking by. “You’ve become friend with everyone here, now!”

“Yeah, that’s what happens when you stay so long here. And it’s not as if having Sakura and Tsunade-sama as my doctors doesn’t help.” Iruka pressed the fourth floor button once they got inside the elevator.

“Did they gave you any news regarding your situation?”

Iruka moved his wheelchair, now facing his friend leaning lazily in a corner. “There isn’t going to be anything new regarding my situation, Ko’.”

“But, maybe... somehow?” Iruka grunted, spinning around, moving himself out with renewed vigor. What had he said? “’Ru, wait! I didn’t mean it to upset you!”

“Look, I don’t need this... hope. There’s nothing that will change the facts.”

“Alright, alright. If you say so.” Kotetsu took control of the wheelchair again. “But let us at least have hope in your place then. Let us help you the way we may only know how.”

Iruka said nothing, kept staring straight in front of him and simply took his hands to himself, letting his chuunin friend taking him at the end of the hallway. He was angry. He was angry that people wouldn’t let him alone, would always be there trying to support him. They where doing so much for him, as much as they could. It was suppose to make things easier. How come did he felt even more bothering and useless?

Kotetsu bit his bottom lips nervously, slowing down as he reached Namiashi’s room. An angry Iruka was always so hard to reach and talk to. “There. I’ll leave you here. I’ll be back in some days, I have some extra shifts to do at the mission desk. The new one taking your place wasn’t able to do the job. Again.”

Scratching his head, the ponytail haired man shook his head, sighing, hearing footsteps getting away. Looking back at an already leaving Kotetsu, he would have to improve this anger tendency he noted to himself. Yet, it was so hard to accept all of this, to get through what was now his life. “I’ll be back soon! Only a few weeks more, and I’ll be there to do my job.”

“Right, and we’ll finally be able to get through the paperwork! Ah! That will be my dream come true!” was shouted back, one hand waving good bye.

Chuckling, he gave one last look to his friend disappearing in the elevator before peeking into the room. “Oh, Genma! Sorry, I hadn’t seen you there. I’ll- I’ll come back later.”

“No, no. Stay.” Shiranui smiled, but his puffy eyes did not light up. “If I had wanted to be left alone, I would have closed the door.”

“Huh... okay. You sure?”

“No, but it will only upset Raidou if we leave because of him. He already knows too many things. About this village, about me... It doesn’t change anything much, anyway.” Genma sniffed, ruffling his hair. He chuckled nervously, eying the jounin seemingly sleeping, “So, what are you going to do, now?”

Iruka looked away, holding his sigh, clutching his wheelchair arms. How could he have expect more secrecy? He was in a shinobi village after all. “I’ll keep being a shinobi. What else?” He had not meant to be curt, but Genma hold nothing of it, staying silent and listening. “What do you want to hear? That Hokage-sama, Haruno-sama and Tsunade-sama are opposed to it?”

Simply a small smile graced his lips. Always so fiery, this Iruka. “Hey, don’t worry. I know you’ll prove them wrong. What did they told you on your situation, exactly?”

A small scoff. “I’m surprised you haven’t heard on that one! Anyway. It’s about chakra pathways. Complicated. I don’t really want to talk about it.”

“I understand.”

A comfortable silence installed itself between them. Surprise had replace the anger inside Iruka’s, principally because he had not thought that Genma would have understood so much. His way of simply accepting that he did not want to talk, to express what he felt to anyone. Instead, the tokubetsu slouched in the blue chair, focused on Raidou, fingers playing absentmindedly with his senbon.

“How was it, working with Raidou?”

He tried to keep his face blank, controlling his emotion. “Hum, different. He was very focused, and knew what he was doing and what he wanted.”

A chuckle. “Yeah, going all work and captain. I liked that about him. His way of taking control and...” Genma stopped talking for a moment, lost in some memories Iruka had now a glimpse of.

“I- I didn’t know...” he started, but was cut short.

“Don’t worry. It’s been such a long time, and it’s not something anyone ever talk about anymore. But understand. You’re there, thinking that you have your whole life to patch things up and experience life differently, with the people you care about, and it just... ends up abruptly.

“And now, I’m there, moping around, wondering if things could have gone a different way, if maybe I had not been who I am, having no interest in sex or, I don’t know, if I had forced myself a little more to be there for what he wanted!” Seeing Iruka bit his lips, he remembered who he was talking to. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be saying those things-”

He hold up his ends profusely, “No, no! Don’t need to be sorry. I understand.” They eyed each other, the bandana headed shinobi looking for some truth behind the words. “I do. But... You know, we are who are. Sometimes, giving so much to someone to make sure he loves us is not a good sign, you know?”

He was not talking about Kakashi, that Genma was sure of. Was it what Kurenai had implied the other night? “Yeah... I suppose so. Anyway, I am happy for him to have find Maiko. If she could give him what he needed, that’s good.”

“You okay?”

“Yeah. I’ll get through it. We need to support each other as shinobi, don’t we?”

“Hm. We have.”

Through a renewed silence, they both took for themselves. It had not been easy in the last months for everyone, as war loomed over them once again, as they all struggled to finally get a grasp of what was now possible for them.

Getting through different surgeries, some for his back, some for his hands, others for his leg, mixed with the rehabilitation he was going through to walk mostly normally now and gaining back his muscles, it had taken its toll on Iruka. Genma and Kotetsu came as much as they could, but he new they were busy. Many of the veterans had be put on diplomatic missions with the Hokage and Naruto, Sakura staying behind to keep her duties with Konoha and the council, running the hospital as much as she could, Tsunade helping.

“I need to go to rehab. Well, thanks for the talk, Genma. I... I needed it.”

His friend smiled back at him. “I needed it too. Close the door on your exit, please. I’ve got some things to talk with Raidou here.”

“Sure.”

***

Kakashi stood by the window of his small bedroom, looking at the snow covered streets and the people fighting the cold to get their day done. These ravaged, cold and deserted lands left him with a dry feeling in his mouth. They had been lucky, back then with the third war.

Yes, every shinobi country had tried to kill each other, each suffering losses and everyone living in an unstable political climate, but at least they had not gotten into a civil war. Villagers and citizens lived in fear, never knowing who they could trust, if your neighbor would sell you to the government or bringing your death for a difference of opinions.

“What are you looking at?”

He did not turn to Kurenai as she entered his room. “Simply wondering about the road of life.”

Leaning onto the wall to face Kakashi, having a sight of the street below, she kept her ruby eyes on her friend. “And? What’s the prognostic? The road is practicable?”

“Hm. Barely. But we’re making a breach, which is good.”

She smiled, looking at her feet, before looking back at him. “The meeting is taking place in an hour. You should come and eat something. It won’t do you any good to ignore your hunger.”

“Maa, you’re such a good mother!” He chuckled as she rolled her eyes. “Sure. Let’s go grab something.”

Following her through the dormitory hallways, there were a lot of soldiers – samurais and shinobis alike – that stayed there for this diplomatic mission. Located in a building that had been salvaged from ruins, yet still in a despicable state, it was where everyone stayed until a consensus was reached for each parties.

As they turned a corner, he glanced at a black haired samurai, blue eyes smiling back to gray ones. Kakashi wondered if the man was following him lately, seeing each other to many times for it to be a coincidence.

“What was that?”

Kakashi kept his aloof stance, hands in his pockets. “What?”

“Don’t play that game with me, Kakashi. You might think you are unreadable, but I’ve acquired some great capacities as a mother now.”

“Nothing of your concern, Kurenai,” he whispered. “If you think that this simple appreciation of a comrade is putting my lover to the side, you are wrong.” She frowned, pinching her lips. “Don’t tell me that after all this time with Genma you haven’t check on the side.”

“Don’t even go there,” she said in a low, growling voice. And as much as he knew his own capacities as a shinobi, he doubted that he would survive to her if he kept talking. But damn. People had their way of peeking into his life!

“Then, please, stop monitoring me. It’s our private life, you shouldn’t be there checking according to your own values.”

“Fine. But if you come to me wondering why things got ugly, don’t look for me.”

They said nothing as they passed the door to the cafeteria, taking trays and choosing food. Since when Kurenai was so protective? Asuma’s death had played a big part, that he knew. He supposed that maybe having children played too. “What’s the matter?”

She glanced at him, clicking her tongue, before grumbling, “Nothing.” Sitting at a table, she stared at her food. “We lost a lot of people, Kakashi. We lived two wars, and we are still losing soldiers each day. I lost Asuma...” Her voice shook, holding her breath, trying to swallow the small lump she felt in her throat as she bit in her sandwich. She looked around her. “Do you remember,” she started, her eyes fierce with fire as she whispered, feeling as if people were listening to their conversation, “why you decided to do this? To be a shinobi?”

Truth be told, Kakashi was not sure why he had decided to enroll. He had been so young, a gifted child, son of Konoha’s White Fang. It was simply what he had to do. He was to serve Konoha. Yet, after Obito and Rin, what was left of his younger self? “What truly matter is why we are doing it now. Why we started this job have changed since then.”

“You’re right. But after what we all got through, things should be different. What Sandaime wanted to construct is still so far from us. The stunt we pulled to get the Land of Iron to get back on their feet has put us again in a dire place!”

“The younger generation should be more open than their predecessor, though. It’s something we should take into account.”

She huffed. “And yet, they are still coined by them! Look at the council back home, with the Uchiha.” Kakashi simply nod. “I know you dislike him, and you have your rights, but how he is treated is still pretty harsh.”

“Harsh?” She was surprised by the aggressive tone Kakashi used, his brows furrowed. “Really? He tried to kill one of his teammate. He wanted a revolution, to erase the past. He was part of the reason we got into a war! He wanted to destroy our home for what he valued was right, without concern for innocent lives. And you defend him?”

She fell silent, looking at her plate. “We already talked about this. And, again, you should be looking back at your own decision. I heard for Obito. What is different from his mistakes than Sasuke’s?”

He breathed heavily, counting to ten. “Sakura. Sakura is the difference. Obito never would have decided to kill Rin.”

“What makes you think so? How can you tell?”

He shook his head, frowning even more. “This conversation is over.” He stood up, not having bothered to eat something. “We need to go to the meeting anyway.”

 

He heard her sigh, but kept walking, passing soldiers and shinobis who dared not talk to him, yet knew who he was as he hid behind his mask, nonchalant slouch and walk. He knew that many of them whispered and talked. Who would have ever thought to know more about White Fang's son other than what was written in the bingo book? He missed being only known as Sharingan no Kakashi, copycat ninja, leader of team seven, and so many other titles.

He waved lazily to Naruto as he entered the meeting room , who nodded confidently at him, sitting by Sasuke's side, followed closely by Shikamaru. Standing by the wall, he took note of everyone attending the first installment of what would be a long series of discussion and agreements on what could be considered a fault from each parties. It was not to mention that once this one would be done, they would have to come back for the trials. He could only hope that things would go better with this generation of Hokage, mixing both young and experienced ones.

He saw Kurenai taking her place not too far from him.

"Your colleague seems upset," said a soft, quiet voice. From the discussion going on already between former leaders, the voice did not carried on in the large, full room.

He did not turn to acknowledge the black haired samurai who now stood by his side. "She is. What happened to many soldiers in your lands is quite a good incentive."

"Despicable what some men are ready to do to achieve their idea of peace, isn't it? I am truly sorry for your comrades and your... companion."

He glanced slightly at – he was surprised, now that they stood by each other – the much smaller man, one eyebrow rose. He was not used of people knowing some part of his life like this, strangers, foreigners talking as if they knew who he was, who they were. "Thanks." The answer had been curt, but it did not deterred the man. The way he smiled, his eyes curved so slightly as he exposed his white teeth. This man was certainly not affected by all of this.

"Why are you here, Sharingan no Kakashi? Those young ones here certainly do not need you as their dog. They are strong shinobis, stronger than the sannins themselves."

"And what is your job? There's certainly enough samurai in here to protect Mifune's son." He wanted to play that game, so they would.

He barely heard him chuckle. "I like you."

He felt he should not be asking, but he had to know. "Why me?"

"I've heard some pretty interesting things about you. Just wondered where was drawn the line between Sharingan no Kakashi and Hatake."

He rolled his eyes, yet his hands clenched. "I suggest that you go and seek someone else. I am pretty deceiving actually." His mind reeled.

"Which was not what the record of your companion said."

"He talked under torture, torture that your colleagues inflicted upon him," he replied through clenched teeth, keeping a clam demeanor. This guy was a psycho, he could tell. "Talking under torture is not an indicative of truth."

"I want him executed! He should have been killed years ago!" They both turned to the Raikage shouting.

"Meet me later," he whispered, hand signing in the ANBU code some numbers. Four, two and zero.

Kakashi had no time to comprehend how he knew this, that he had now to focus on the Raikage threatening to get reparation himself by having the Uchiha executed. And here they were again, Naruto defending his best friend while Kakashi was there supporting him. Oh well, it was going to be a long series of meeting, he suspected.

If he could at least get back home without anyone dying, he would be glad.

***

She smiled as she saw Iruka let himself slouch in his wheelchair. "You've worked hard today, Umino."

"Yeah... I can't wait to get out of here and get back to work, Tsunade-sama. Thank you so much for your help." He smiled, adjusting his position on his chair.

"I understand," she started, forcing her lips to keep smiling. "Are you sure you want to go back?"

He pinched his lips, studying the floor. Why would they all stand up against him? "It's not because I can't be on the field anymore that I should sit back from my duty, Tsunade-sama."

"Hmm. You'll have to wait. I can fill a form to leave you under proper care outside of here. You still have to work on your balance. From now on, you'll walk with this," she explained, giving a crutch, getting his attention once again. "The wheelchair will be there when you become too tired." She felt pain in her heart as she saw him grinned. It had been so long since that last true smile. What would happen once he stepped outside those closed doors?

"Ha! Perfect."

"I see that Kotetsu has accepted to keep an eye on you until the brat comes back. Good. Keep me informed once Kakashi's finally here."

"Sure will, Tsunade-sama. Do you know when he'll be back from his mission?"

"Can't say. I'm not working on those papers anymore, brat. Good try." He chuckled. She took the pad on her desk, writing it off, before checking his file once again. "How have you been doing? Sakura's reports say you are doing well, yet your psycheval keeps saying how you still have so much to get through. I need to know. To make my final decision on your state of mind."

She could not stop herself from noting the light leaving his eyes once again. "I'm... good. I suppose it'll take time, but I really need to get out of here. I really need to get back to my roots. I need it."

Adjusting her glasses on her nose, she sighed. "I'm partly responsible for what happened back there, Iruka." He swallowed as he heard his name, clenching his fists unconsciously. He never heard his name on her lips. "The only reason you are still alive is because you had a malformation in your chakra pathways since your birth – explaining your difficulty in storing and using jutsus, yet enhancing your chakra control in those circumstances."

"I know."

"If..." She studied him for a moment, hesitating. "If you have a change of heart, let me know."

He frowned, "Sure."

"Don't forget that sometimes, people can be unfair, and there's nothing we an do. What they heard and saw of your mission, mixed with what they know of what's happening in the Lands of Iron is making some of them angry."

"Why re you telling me this?"

"You live in a shinobi world, Iruka, And when you are a shinobi that fails to meet social expectations, there might be judgment and critics. Don't make this face, brat! I understand that you are aware of this. Just remember that there are always other options."

Again, this constant fear that they all had toward his mental state. He knew what the truth was. He knew what they were saying behind his back. He would prove them wrong. "Thank you, Tsunade-sama, but I'm alright. You can write that I am fully able to comprehend where I stand from now on. So now, please, if you'll excuse me, my friend is waiting for me to take me out of this hospital."

She watched him leave. It was in those time that she found it hard to not be Hokage anymore. She could always use her authoritative voice and assessments to keep him from leaving, but as her doctor, she wanted him to open to her, not to close off. But he was already deaf to their advice. And as much as she wanted him to hear them, she could only let him experiment.

She shook her head. This man was strong and intelligent. He had gotten through many things, he would be able to get through that one.

***

"I didn't thought you would come, Hatake." The samurai stood up, smiling. Kakashi had understood for his number bedroom. "It has been a week. Still, I'm glad you show up. Otherwise, I would have sadly attended your funeral."

Kakashi crossed his arms, keeping his eyes from studying the naked man, not wanting to play this game. It had taken him a few days to finally accept that he had to do this. Several discussions with Sasuke, the pressure they had to know what was withheld against them was too much to let this pass. Especially since Atsushi Hideki knew ANBU hand signs. "Where did you learn that?"

A laugh. He took his cup of wine from the small table, taking a sip. "So forefront." Kakashi was not able to ignore the way Hideki bit his lower lip and studied him. "Actually, that's why you're here. We don't want a blood shed, don't we? Take this hand away from your kunais."

Gray eyes narrowed. "What do you want?"

"You. That's all. I want to see Hatake Kakashi in all his glory, just like it's been said."

He hated this seductive voice, this disgusting voice. He scoffed. "This doesn't give you much compared from what you seem to know."

A small, childish pout. "Stop depreciating yourself, 'Kashi. Oh, do you mind if I call you that? 'Kashi... it does sound well." Kakashi growled, while Hideki grinned. "You see? Such little things make me enjoy myself."

"You are playing it dangerously low. Be careful."

"Maybe hanging on such a perilous cliff is what I'm seeking. Will you kill me after we're done?You don't even know me. I could be a hooker disguised as a samurai, threatened to work this way. What is true, huh? Such a perilous line of work!" He gulped down his wine.

Kakashi grunted. He had done a few missions like this when he had been a teenager. He had not enjoyed it, but he had done it, for the greater good of Konoha. Yet, this was simply disturbing. Was it something Iruka had done in the past? This person was used to this masquerade, holding disguise and personalities. They had chosen someone good.

Hideki poured himself another glass of wine, before taking out a second cup. "Wine? No? As you wish. Now, let's start."

His nose scrunched up, his face unable to hide the sick feeling he felt of all of this. "What will you gain from this? You seem to already have everything you wish to know from me, while I have much more to get from you."

"Oh, first question. In exchange, give me your face."

Oh well. That was it. He would have to see if killing this poor soul was a possibility in the end. The satisfied smile that hooked itself in his enemy's face as he slid his mask off made him clench his jaw.

"Hmm." Another sip of wine. "Why don't you just take the fun? I am ready to sell a lot, in exchange of some bit of Hatake's life. That's what Mifune-sama's son wishes. Konoha is a strong ally, after all."

This is what it was about. "You could have taken someone else."

"I like to enjoy myself from time to time; I don't always have to be the one on my knees... So, let's get to it. Strip."

This place was as worse as he thought it could be. Who truly controlled information out here? "Talk," he said in a low voice, one eyebrow rising. Yet, his hands started to unzip his jacket, taking gloves off. A hungry smile rewarded him.

"I'm the top informer of my troops. Unlike Kyoshi, who's only a rat among mice, I truly blend in. I get what I want, when I want, and I give when I feel generous... Like today. Come here." He ran his hands on Kakashi's hips before unbuttoning the pants, getting the boxers down. "Been a while, isn't it?" he whispered as he saw goosebumps on the pale scarred skin. An iron grip stopped him from going further in his exploration.

"You should start saying what's so important before I decide that you've got no worth."

A chuckle. Such fierce eyes. "You're so impatient, 'Kashi. Iruka had no knowledge of your ANBU division, nor the most crucial part of Konoha administration. But he did knew some important things about your T&I division – lay on the bed, now – and he was of great value."

Kakashi narrowed his eyes, watching his abuser's every move, calculating how he would be able to defend himself if he was to get assailed. He knew very well what he was doing, gaining time to only reveal so little as was possible. "Condom and lube."

"No wonder you used to be such a leader with such a tone. Hmm, anyway," he explained as he opened the bottle, "I was able to learn that there is a gathering."

Kakashi grunted as he felt fingers inside him, his muscles tensing from anticipation, his body reacting more than he had expected, his hands griping the bedsheets. He closed his eyes some seconds, his mind trying to rationalize how he felt. "How... do you know all of this?"

"Shh. Now is not the time. I will tell you when you'll come back, it can wait." He adjusted himself, griping Kakashi's leg before his hips pushed gently. "Ah. You're... good. They... will try to kill you and other testimonies. Splitting your team on your way back. Hm."

Kakashi clenched his jaw, trying to stiffened the sounds that wanted to leave his throat. He could have killed him now if he had wanted. He just had to twist his legs around his neck, his muscles would snap the bones. He had done it before, the only mission he had ever done like this as Hound. But he wanted answers.

He needed answers. For someone knowing he was ANBU, there was something more he had to learn. This man was confident. "Tell me... everything!"

Hideki bit his lips, reeling in bliss seeing such a great warrior trying to contain himself, his eyes rolling, exposed to him. He was not there to torture him, but to simply share something different, his hips moving harder each time he could get a moan from Sharingan no Kakashi.

Oh, he knew very well he could get killed in all of this. The repercussion would be bad, but there was always a possibility, even if he knew he dealt with someone having such control over his actions. He had felt the legs' muscles tighten for a split second. What would happen next was simply a decision on Hatake's side.

Until then, he would make him feel good, a hand griping his partner, moving according to his pace. "As you wish, 'Kashi."

***

"So, as I said, I'm sorry for the dust and the dishes. I mean- I was so used to-" Kotetsu fumbled with his keys, trying to unlock the door to his apartment. Damn trembling hands. How come he could kill someone with such little regards to the life taken, and now he was unable to open a stupid door? He grunted, swearing under his breath. "Ha! There!"

Iruka chuckled to the proud grin of his friend, following him inside. The foul smell of unclean dishes hit his nose, and when he saw the actual dust covering some parts of the floor, he worked hard to keep his composure. Had his friend been living here? Memories swam in front of his eyes of a lively place, where he had spent many nights in his teenage years.

"Well, 'Zumo did most of the chores. I did some, but, well, he was more responsible than I'll ever be." Turning to his friend, he felt his face drained of colors. Iruka standing in the middle of his living room, wide eyed, unsettled him. "I'm very sorry. It's not- I shouldn't have-"

"No... Hum, no. It's okay. Just... It's a lot to take on, you know, last time I was there..."

Kotetsu scratched his throat, looking at the floor. "Yeah... Huh-" he swallowed. "So, I've picked up some of your stuff that we stored, and put it in the small bedroom. I know it's not really manly in there, but I couldn't find myself to change it."

The scarred chunnin smiled sadly as he entered said bedroom after his friend. White and pink walls, small drawn blue elephants surrounded him. Letting his backpack on the ill-fitting bed, he turned to Kotetsu who dared not breath. "Are you sure it's alright for me to be here? Where we'll you put her when she'll be there?"

Dark eyes looked everywhere other than at the questioning brown ones. "There won't be any baby girl living here..."

"What? I thought everything was -"

"Well, they were, until Izumo went MIA. I don't understand, but they said that it wasn't working anymore."

"Damn! I'm so sorry, Ko'. I should have known! It was everything you both wanted."

"Yeah, but it's over now. Don't worry. I didn't tell you because you had so many things to adjust yourself to. Don't feel bad. It's been a while."

"Still..."

A grim chuckle. "You're here, that's what's important now. I'll get the place cleaner, it'll feel a little more like home. Do as you want! I'll have to go buy some groceries, so, until then, don't eat anything in the fridge."

"Ko'-"

"Unpack your things. You can stay as long as you want. Kakashi's coming back in two weeks. Got to go back to the mission desk, I'll be back by the end of the day."

Kotetsu left as fast as he had rambled everything, leaving Iruka speechless and uneasy. How did everything happened? He had been so self centered since he had been back, what did he miss? Staring at the walls, staring a the little mobile still in the corner, he did not know where to start. Things had changed. He had a hard time grasping everything. His time at the hospital had made him unaware of his surrounding. Or was it more because he had not wanted to face reality for a while? Was it not what his psych eval had said once? When was it again?

It was just now that he was realizing how everything was unfolding. Learning that they had taken back his apartment was one thing - he was aware of this, that's what he had signed in his insurance in case of death on a mission - but facing it had been harder than he thought. Could he find someplace else to live, now that he would not be able to teach back at the Academy and simply rely on the mission desk pay?

Taking some of his clothes to fold them in the drawer, he sighed. He had done it before. He could do it again. One thing at a time, he told himself again. For now, he would learn to adjust to this, living with Kotetsu, who clearly had his life in order as much as him. Oh well, they surely would make it if they helped each other.


	9. Chapter 9

 

 

It was harder done than said, he realized. Kotetsu was patient, but he was struggling with many things. Cooking was not his forte, such has making laundry and cleaning the place. Iruka said nothing, he was not there to make him feel bad, and, on the contrary, tried to take as less space as he could. He would try to help him even if it resulted in more arguments than anything from the other chuunin, insisting that he had to focus on healing before anything else.

“But that is part of healing!" he had yelled one night after Kotetsu had taken the dishes from his hands. Kakashi had been two weeks late, and Iruka had a hard time to not let his anxiety take control of his head. telling him that things went wrong. "I am now walking mostly by myself and I start tomorrow at the mission desk, so let me do things!"

He was still adjusting everyday to the absence of his chakra. He had not realize how much it enhanced their capacities, starting from his balance to his senses. Learning to walk had not been only a question of atrophied muscles and a badly healed leg, but also because since many years he had learn to control his chakra in every part of his body, from running faster to holding a kunai at the palm of his foot in case he had to throw it expertly in some dire situation to stay alive. He had to teach those things. He had to deal with children who learned killing skills, each of his senses alert.

He could not feel everything as he used to. People came and passed and he had a hard time being aware of when and how. He had still better reflexes than the majority of the population, but he knew it was to put with the fact that he had training. Yet, to not be able to feel people stressed him out. Paired with his mind telling him that he could not distinguish a shadow clone from the true self appalled him.

It was hard-winning situation that tired him the most, and getting back into the society was not what he thought it would be. He knew what people would think. He knew some would see him as a traitor, others as a failure, he was prepared. But the pitying look he was given while waking down the streets hurt more. He was not someone to be pitied. He was disabled maybe, but he was not to be pitied. And the mission desk was a mix of all those things.

The first days were full of surprised glances and peeks, shinobis whispering. Oh, he heard them well.

"What happened to him?"

"Heard he killed his two comrades..."

"He sold Konoha to the enemy so he could live..."

"He's disgraceful!"

"Heard he killed children over there."

"He doesn't have chakra anymore, why is he still a shinobi?"

"He's a traitor, he shouldn't be here. It's the Uchiha."

"He's a favorite... Even with the Third he was."

He felt a hand on his shoulder startling him. "Genma!"

"Sorry, Umino. How you holding up?"

He scoffed. "Ha! You know, the usual. I've got some admirers..."

"Give them some time, they'll get back from it."

Reading what had been written on the report, verifying that every case had been filled, his eyebrows rose. "I sure hope so! Next." Getting back in the routine of work had been easier, taking some pressure off his chest. It seemed he was not doing too bad!

Eventually, most of them went over it, but there was still many people stopping him on his way back home to tell him how they were sorry and how bad it was that he could not teach anymore. As much as they wanted to be compassionate toward him, it hurt to be remembered that he had lost so much.

Because this was how he felt: he had the impression he was only half of who he used to be. People were still insisting on helping him out for everything, to take his stacks of paper as they saw him limping his way through the same road he always took nowadays to ease his anxiety, to opening the door even if he was able to do so. It frustrated him, and trying to manage his turmoil he felt of his own self and how people acted was not easy.

"People are only trying to help you, you know?"

Iruka should have cringed at the bitter tone Kotetsu had used one morning after he had insisted on taking out the garbage instead of him, but he could not find himself to care. "Yeah, yeah. Well stop helping me, then."

"Are you like this with Kakashi? Then I understand how come you fit together!"

He narrowed his eyes. "What does that mean?"

"Nothing, let it go."

"No. What does that mean?"

Kotetsu rolled his eyes. “You're so self centered, 'Ruka! Look at yourself. Look at what others are trying to do for you! Don't come and tell me that no one understand! We all lost something in this line of work! Stop pitying your own self and grow up!"

"Fuck you! I'm not the one pitying myself! You should look at you! You are not even able to clean your apartment, or do the laundry! You can't do a freaking thing by yourself because your were cradled by Izumo. Wake up! He's not here anymore!"

Kotetsu gritted his teeth. "Shut. Up." Iruka was yelling at the wrong man. "We said nothing back then. You moped around for years, and we said nothing. Don't come here being so judgmental and thinking you know everything about life."

"Yeah, sure! You’re not the one who's being told that I've killed my comrade and my best friend because I'm a coward and a disgraceful shit! What do you know? Did you get used as if you were cattle? Did you- Oh! and forget it! You wouldn't understa-"

Kotetsu gripped him by his uniform, his voice a deep growl. "Don't say that."

That was fast. It was not a forceful grip, yet Iruka knew that he would not be able to shackle it off. "Let me go," he said in a low voice, hoping it was leveled. He did not like the narrowed dark eyes that stared at him, dared him to say something more.

"I am tired of your attitude. People are getting tired of your attitude."

He felt powerless, he had the impression air was thicker and harder to breath in. "Then stop bothering. I can take care of myself!" He hoped he did not sound distressed, but his mind was starting to trick him, his limbs feeling numb.

Yet his friend let him go with force, snarling. "Fine. Be alone if that's what you want!"

And as much as Iruka wanted to snap back at Kotetsu, it was a slamming door that greeted him. "Good!" he yelled, the buzzing fridge answering him. What was so hard to understand from everyone? He could not wait for Kakashi to come back, to finally have the impression of being understood. Kotetsu stayed true to his word, trying as much as he could to not muster too many words to Iruka. If it was at work, it would simply be on a professional level. At the apartment, only to tell Iruka when someone was at the door for him, being Genma or someone else, since he hid most of the time in the bedroom.

The small altercation he had had with Kotetsu was still in his mind. It was not as much as the nightmares he had from his last mission, but simply a sharp reminder that he was not a shinobi anymore. Kotetsu movements had been fast, his grip strong, his stance balanced. He had felt the sensation of the chakra being stored, already in movement even if it had been unconscious on his friend’s part.

Damn. He was aware of such small things, yet unable to use them anymore. He felt naked. Powerless and naked. But he was stronger than this. He could not let this get him down. He was still a shinobi of the Leaf, chakra or not.

“You know what’s harder, ‘Zu? The fact that no one seems to believe it other than me...” He sighed, a light breeze letting free some of his rebellious strands. He scoffed, rubbing his face, feeling his growing beard. He had not find the courage to shave again.

He let his hand touch the cold marble. He wondered if a lot of people had let flowers on his grave. He wondered if a lot of people had cried him. He felt as if being alive was not what some of them had wanted. Well, it brought shame, he supposed. “People are so attached to what they used to know. Huh. I’m as worse as they are. It’s hard to ignore what they say. It’s hard to tell myself that I’m worth as much as they are as shinobis.”

He scratched the nape of his neck. He looked at the epitaph field surrounding him, spotting where he had seen his, near his parents’. It seemed that no one had followed him. “I have this nagging feeling lately. I don’t know if I’m paranoid, but I think people are watching me.”

Because even if some people had been over his return, for others the surprise had been replaced by anger. He had not received death threats, but multiple hard glares and aggressive answers for sending shinobi back in the file in the mission room. He was aware of a few of them starting to plot against him. Even some of his coworkers showed disagreements with him, telling shinobis that he should not have sent them back, that he was wrong. As much as Kotetsu or Genma were defending him, he knew that it would not change much.

He untied his hair, ruffling them. He needed to take a shower, but he felt like shit lately. He knew that he had to work through this pulling feeling he felt all the time. But he was tired. He was so tired... and he was scared. “I miss you, ‘Zumo. I don’t see you anymore. Suppose to be a good sign I heard. Still... I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t entirely my fault. I know that what happened is the results of so many coincidences. I just wish... that I could have done more.

“I feel like I’ve let you down. I feel like I’ve let everyone down. And it seems that every shinobi likes to make me feel that way. Kakashi told me to trust myself as much as he trusted me. But you know what? I don’t think trust is the problem here. I’m competent. I know my job. I always did as much as I could from my capacities. Just- Where does it ends? If you fail, you are seen as a failure. It’s better dying out there than coming back.

“I can’t help myself other than thinking that Kakashi made a mistake. I don’t think that it was a good thing. I should have ended my job back there. Really. What good is there living as a crippled? I hear them, I’m not completely deaf! They seem to think that I’m stupid. They don’t understand why I’m still considered a shinobi. Huh! ‘Cause shinobis don’t do paper works. Shinobis go out on the field and complete missions.”

He sighed, rubbing his face, clenching his teeth. He wanted to snarl, he wanted to take all these feelings and throw them away with force. He knew that it was futile to give the gossips and the talks such importance. There were already saying things against him for years, for only being a teacher and manning the mission desk. Why did it matter, now?

Breathing, he finally let his hands down, playing with his hairband. He had to stop caring, he had to stop giving such regards for those kind of people. Easier said than done. “Sorry. Today’s not a good day. I should go. I’ll come back later.”

Eyes on the ground as he left, his feet crunched dead leaves at each of his steps, trying to ignore the fact that his feeling of being watched had come back.

***

Kakashi breathed in, trying not to wince at the pain. Holding his ribs, he tried drying his sword from the blood with his other hand. No such luck.

“Let me help, Kakashi-sensei.”

He said nothing as Shikamaru took it and worked to clean it.

He tried ignoring his pounding headache. “We’ve been lucky. If we hadn’t known, more of us would have died today,” he grunted.

“Yes. From what we were able to dig on our side, even if my team had been able to bring down the last government, an underground organization is still operational. Naruto and Sasuke are working with Mifune’s son to stop them, but their group is capable.”

Kakashi kept his face empty of emotions, but his mind was reeling. “There’s a mole. My intel didn’t say it, but I will get it’s name.”

Shikamaru gave back the sword. “That’s the next step. We’re going back to Konoha to let Sakura know. She’ll work on her side to find him.”

He could not tell to what point the young jounin had information. But he supposed that he knew a lot. “Hm. Do you think Iruka could be a target?”

Shikamaru shook his head, lighting a cigarette. “No. A lot of names and info is now in the hands of the enemy, but I think from what you got, it’s a mole that’s been there for years.”

“Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

A sigh. “But we can’t ignore that they have a good piece of our T&I division now.” A gray eyebrow rose. “Just wonder if it was a good thing for Iruka-sensei to be reinstated. Not that he won’t do a good job anymore, on the contrary. But it’s going to be troublesome...”

Kakashi ruffled his hair, looking at the ground. “I know. Anyway, we’ve got to move.”

Nara looked at Hatake walk away, checking on the team, assessing the damage, his ninkens back from their look-out. For sure that the man knew; he had heard about White Fang. He had read the files. It was hard to change the mindset of a whole population. As much as he trusted Naruto – and it did not change the fact that he would follow him to the end – sometimes he had the impression that there were things that would never change. People were troublesome.

It took their team some days more until they reached Fire country, and as much as Kakashi wanted to feel relieved at the thought of being back home, he was still expecting bad news. He let Shikamaru report to the council on what they had found and how things where going, answering questions when he was asked.

He kept himself from sighing when Sakura asked him to come to the hospital so he could be check for his wounds and get routine-checked for any STDs or infection. “Like this it will be out of the way, Kakashi-sensei,” she had explained with a soft voice, yet her green eyes spoke of sadness and worried anticipation.

“I understand, Sakura. It’s alright.” Even if she might not. What some of them had to face to have their people safe was not always easy to understand. Well, it was not as if it was always logical, he might have add. The shinobi world was a twisted one. The position his lover was in did tell a lot.

The expectations people had of their soldiers were quite impressive. Some judged without being informed, others thought that they knew everything. As Kakashi walked through the village to get to Kotetsu’s apartment, he felt and heard the talking, the staring and the whispering. He worked hard to keep his lazy persona as he made his way when he understood how things had gone in his absence.

He knocked at the door, hearing feet scrap the wooden floor before it opened to a tired looking Kotetsu.

“Hi, Hagane. I heard Iruka was here.” The smell that reached his nose was bothering, even with his mask.

“Oh, Kakashi! Yeah, he is.” The tone the chunnin had as he said the words surprised him. “I’ll take you to Iruka.” As Hatake subtly took a glance at the foul living place, he found himself following him to a small hallway. “Hey, ‘Ruka. Kakashi’s here for you.”

"Kakashi! You're back!"

The jounin could not keep himself from grinning, his lover's smile being so contagious, his mind taking notes of how Kotetsu erased himself from their reunion silently. "I am. Genma told me where to find you.”

"Yeah. I'm living here until I can find somewhere else to go. Come in, come in." He took his hand, pulling him inside, closing the door.

"How are you? Kotetsu seems moody."

"Yeah... It's complicated." He went back sitting on the bed, leaving a place for his man. "I'm good, I suppose. My leg still hurt, but at least I can walk. I even went back to work!"

"That's good." Yet, Iruka felt that something was off. Kakashi did not move from his spot, staring intently at him, his mask on. And as much as he did not like it, he could not feel at ease. Why was he not taking his mask off? Why was he staying there, studying him?

"Are you alright? You seem... tired."

The silver haired jounin sighed. "Yeah, I am."

"The mission was a hassle?"

Kakashi scratched his cheek, looking at the ground. "Hm. It’s still not over. We’re only staying for a few days.”

“Oh, alright. It’s nice to see you, though. I missed you.”

The silver haired jounin smiled, looking back at his lover. “I missed you too.“ Make an effort, Kakashi, he told himself. He took off his mask, stepping toward Iruka, but he did kept a distance.

Even if it unsettled the chunnin, Iruka knew that sometimes coming back from a mission was not always easy. “So, this my room,” he explained as he saw his lover studying it. “It’s not home, and not a very clean place, but I have a place to stay.”

Kakashi chuckled. “Yeah, I’ve seen... and smell that. How can you stand it?”

He smiled. “It’s your nose, ‘Kashi.”

The jounin ignored the pang he felt at hearing his nickname. “Sure it is,” he deadpanned. “It’s a pretty room, however. “

“Yeah, I quite like it. But... you know? Maybe I would prefer your bedroom.” Kakashi eyebrows rose. Iruka sighed. “Don’t do that. It’s just...” He sighed with frustration. “Look, I don’t make enough for me to stay on my own. Since I work, the government’s support is largely cut down, so there’s not much left. And, well, mission desk is not so well paid, and there’s been so many renovation and everything. Therefore-”

“Hey, hey. You don’t have to explain anything. Sorry, it’s just that I was surprised with your statement. And I’m tired- Sorry.” They stood in silence, both glancing away. “So, when do you want to move in?” Kakashi finally asked.

“Tonight, if you don’t mind?” Iruka said with hesitation. “I don’t have a lot of stuff left, and I think Kotetsu will be quite happy for me to leave him some space for a while.”

“Sure.” And Iruka had been right. It was a mater of few hours and they were settled in, leaving his old bed at Kotetsu’s place, he had left his clothes and a drawer to take with himself, along with some books.

As much as Iruka had stressed out about this day, it had gone well. Well, it was not as if there had been a lot of options left to him, and even if he had come to terms with it, he still felt forced somehow. Yet, adjusting to it was easier than he had thought, waking up by Kakashi’s side, somewhere where he felt he truly belonged was very nice. Waking up to a good breakfast made him smile, made him forget how his leg still hurt and about his limping, about how things had gone awry.

Sleeping with his lover in his arms made his mind settle down, Kakashi realized. Nightmares seemed more scarce in a night for both of them, and he felt that they both were more at ease with how things were slowly untangling, talking and sharing how they felt a little bit everyday. It was easier, but other days were harder, having to see Iruka struggle like this to get a grasp of his life.

Picking up his lover in pieces after a day of work that had not exactly gone well, or having to watch him struggle to be present, fighting his battle against depression, sitting on the couch for hours, hardly knowing what to do of himself. In the few days Kakashi stayed in Konoha, he understood that living with Iruka would have his own challenges.

“You’ve seen a lot of things,” mumbled Iruka, one of the few mornings they had together. Intrigued eyes set on him, one eyebrow slightly rising.

“Yeah. But you know, every shinobi have different experiences. You have too.” The chuunin looked away, but Kakashi could see neck muscles tense. “What is it?”

“I’ve never asked a lot of questions about your father,” Iruka slowly said, waiting for Kakashi’s reaction, while the interested kept himself in check, waiting patiently. “Do you remember how the village acted toward him?”

“Well, I was young at that time, and I didn’t really wondered until he committed suicide. I resented him for a long time. You know, when I finally understood, I lost my best friend.” Kakashi took a pause, lost in memories. He resumed, “A shinobi village can be a cruel place. The way they treated Naruto and Sasuke – and as such, my father – are proof of expectations that are set on some of us.”

“Yeah...” Iruka turned to his lover, settling himself comfortably against him, adjusting the bed sheets. He was always tired, even if he had a good amount of sleep.

The silver haired man felt the pain that Iruka was trying so much to deal with. But to take his problem on his shoulders would not help. “I know what everyone says. But you are not what they say. You are strong, and I don’t think that a shinobi should be judged by his capacities. See how Gai turned out, even without chakra. And Lee.”

Sad brown eyes looked up. “Thanks, ‘Kashi.”

The jounin smiled, but no light lit up in his eyes. Instead, his mind could just bring back pictures of a naked Hideki. Of the good and passionate lover he had been. He swallowed, burying the disgust that rose – but also the desire.

“You’ll get through this,” he whispered, playing with Iruka’s hair with careful hands. “You’ll see.”

Who was he saying that for?

***

Going back there made him grit his teeth. The trial had started. Hearing everything that had been done to so many shinobis made him sick. All of this with an idea that had been embraced for the greater good of humanity. He blamed them for what they had put Iruka through, but also for what he was doing there as a work.

How strange how killing someone did not bother him as much as stripping down in front of such a man. Or was it more because of the fact that he could barely control his body to react such a way knowing what was to happen?

“You seem pretty eager for this, this time around.” Hideki ogled the jounin physical attributes, reveling in obtaining this reaction, fingers feeling the soft skin covered in goosebumps. He was surprised for the lack of snark remark and to be instead kissed with such fierceness, hands taking control and providing him with more heated desire than he had thought for.

“You will give me what I look for, and this will be over,” breathed out Kakashi.

Black eyebrow rose in amusement. “Oh, and what makes you think that I will so gladly accept this as a payment?”

“Because what I’ll do to you this time around is me wanting this.”

Hideki let himself be pushed on his bed, grinning. “My, what is it... Ha! that you want to know?”

“A name.”

“Hmm.” He closed his eyes at the sensation he was given, griping his sheets. “You’re good. Keep doing that.” It had been a long time that someone had truly work to make him feel good. In all his years as a prostitute, and even after gaining this position, he could remember and easily count the number of times where he had had such fun. “I hope your colleague is... ready to have that piece of information.”

Kakashi rolled his eyes as he pushed his hips, not even trying to hold himself back as he moaned. “Yeah! she is...”

Hideki smiled and laughed. “Go harder; you’ll have to work it out.” The narrowed eyes and the pain he felt was worth it.

***

He splashed water on his face, rubbing his eyes tiredly. Grunting, he studied his reflection in the mirror, grimacing at his pale complexion, deep circled eyes and greasy hair, his scar standing out like a stigma.

“Come on, Iruka. Get over yourself. This day his half done. Four hours left, and you can go home. You don’t have to take personally what people say about you. They don’t know you. You can do it...” His lips became a thin line, his eyes dared the sad one looking back at him, before sighing. Oh well. Drying his face with brown paper, he ignored his churning stomach. He hated working there when Genma or Kotetsu – even if they still did not talk – weren’t there.

This day was crazy. He wondered what was happening. Was there a storm coming? Since his shift had started, he had had enough of glares and narrowed eyes to know that he was not really liked at the mission desk. Getting back to his desk was not without having to hear hatred whispered, and when he tried to find the person that had shoved him, there was only snorting and snickering, sad and pitying looks.

Clenching his jaw, he focused himself on opening his line and taking in reports. He was able to control his shaking hands, but he hated himself for letting them get the better of him. He tried to ignore the fact that his eyes did find some mistakes that he would usually ask shinobis to correct before sending their reports in, but his mind kept him from speaking up and saying a thing. It was better like this. Even if he was repulsed by whom he was becoming, at least it was safer.

“I’m...” Looking up at the hard black eyes daring him to speak, his mind yelled at him not to say a thing. No. That was enough. “I’m sorry, but I can not accept this report.”

The ninja scoffed, crossing his arms on his chest. “What?”

He kept his confidence. He knew his work, and it would not be a mockingly smiling shinobi to deter him. “It has been wrongly filled and done, as per article 3.1, and I have to ask you to correct these before sending any report in, jounin-san.” He frowned as the man simply laughed before walking away from his desk. “Not doing so will result in a deduction of your pay,” he warned.

He could only let out a surprised yelp before he was shaken roughly by his jacket, his chair hitting the floor and silencing the room. No one moved. No one dared say a thing.

“I suggest that you advise yourself from bringing more shame on you. Do you know what kind of mission I’ve just come back, while you sat your ass away from being useful? I had to save some kids from human trafficking. What did you do? Filled papers? Say “Thank you for your hard work” all day long?”

He hoped that swallowing was not as loud as it seemed in his ears. “While it’s very honorable, my work is as important as what you-” He was pushed roughly on the ground, the air cut from his lungs.

“You’re a disgrace, crippled. You think of yourself a shinobi while you can’t do a thing.” Iruka tried to get back on his feet, only to be pushed once more. “You can not even defend yourself from me. You don’t even have any chakra. Without your friends, you are not worthy of our respect.”

When he looked up, trying to keep his eyes from watering down, the shinobi snorted, before simply walking away. Shaking, he held himself up, staggering, no one moving, no soldier doing anything to help. Some looked at him with satisfied looks, while others tried to be compassionate.

What hurt him deeply, however, were the ones who could not even look at him, the ones trying to do as if nothing had happened. None of his co-workers had even done anything to make this stop. He adjusted his rippled clothes, took his stack of papers and simply left – limping his way out, his mind told him just so to help – not daring to look at any of them.

***

Kakashi looked for his pants with no success, still in the haze of the moment. “Over there,” hinted the samurai with a smug smile.

Hideki looked with satisfaction the great Sharingan no Kakashi work his way with his clothes. It had been a while he had felt this good. “You know, even if we’ve got what we wanted, my offer is still up.”

“What do you mean?” asked Hatake as he was putting his black shirt on.

“We both enjoy ourselves, ‘Kashi. Why keep it there, knowing that you’ll be here for a while? And as I see, it could do you some good.” He chuckled as he saw the jounin battling against the good conscience his colleague surely was. It was hard, gray eyes that greeted him.

“There won’t be another time, Hideki.” Kakashi put his mask back on, concealing himself behind a blank stare. “It’s over.”

“Hmm. See you soon,” he replied with a soft voice to the leaving figure.

And as much as Kakashi wanted to ignore that statement, it was imprinted in his mind. _See you soon_. He was not that kind of man. His job was done. Kurenai had the intel, which surely was already moving toward Shikamaru, and, hopefully, he would be sent home to take care of it.

Which, in the end, was not the case. Kurenai was sent back to Konoha with Shikamaru, and Kakashi had to stay to give his testimony. “You’re better than this, Kakashi,” she had warned him before leaving.

But was he, really? he would have said back to Asuma if he had been there. He loved Iruka, there was no mistake. Still, to what point was he able to convince himself that everything would go back to something more normal? To what point could he be sure that Iruka would stand back up, and in how long?

They had talked years ago about being together without having sex. It was Iruka that he loved, not having sex with him, he had answered. Yet his body was telling him right now that it was something he could not just put down. He had needs and desire, and he was now realizing that all those months that had just passed where used to push them aside.

And he hated himself for making the choice to go back in this room, to kiss back a smug samurai who had seen through him. But his other side was relieved to finally get back something of himself, something that he could choose and decide.

 

 


	10. Chapter 10

 

Kotetsu sighed, holding his head in his hands. He felt grim, he felt tired, all of his muscles tensed and stressed. How had things gone this way? “Can I see him?”

Tsunade put down her pad on her desk, “No, I’m sorry, Kotetsu. Until his psychnin evaluates that his condition is more stable, we can not authorize this visit.” She felt the pain the soldier was in, but it was better like this.

“What were you thinking?” asked Sakura, shaking her head. “I know you wanted to defend Iruka-sensei, but taking matters in your own hands gives out the wrong message!”

He grit his teeth, looking back at the former Godaime and the young kunoichi. “At least now he knows what chuunin are made of now, even if we work at the mission desk! My two weeks penalty are worth it.”

Tsunade rolled her eyes, while Sakura sighed. What was it with those kind of people, sometimes? “You know very well that it is not those kind of actions that will help Iruka, nor your own situation, Hagane,” resumed the blonde lady.

The dark haired man snorted. “Sure...”

Tsunade kept explaining, “I had hoped that living with Iruka could have helped you getting a better hold of yourself.” She sled a file toward him. “You know the reasons why they have taken away the custody for Akemi-”

He grunted, his eyes rolling. “I know, no need to tell me again...”

“And since then, you haven’t taken back any control on your life. You know for yourself that it’s not a week with intensive therapy that changes things so easily. You have to want things to change.”

She was right, he had to admit it. What he had done with his own situation right now was a good indication. But damned was his life, he had no intention of taking it any other way for now. Even if he had told Kakashi that he was ready to move on; Izumo had been a big part of his life, they had shared so many dreams and projects.

He sighed. “When is Kakashi coming back? Iruka needs him right now.” There was no need to talk about this even more. If his lover was not there anymore, and that himself was not of any resources, at least Hatake would be helpful . “Has he been informed?”

A pink haired head nodded. “There’s no worry to be made here, Hagane. Everything in our power is done to help the soldiers who serves this country. If there’s anything else, any concerns or worries, do not hesitate to talk to us.” She smiled, hoping that she could reach him. Because even if he hid behind such a strong and confident person, she felt how lost he was.

He barely smiled and shook his head. So much compassion. “Thank you, Haruno-sama, but I think I’ll be good.” He nodded to Lady Tsunade, bowed to Sakura, and made his way out. He was still angry at Iruka, but damn he would have loved to be there the day it happened just to make his mind known to everyone doing nothing. Maybe deciding to change his shifts had not been such a good idea.

In the renewed silence, the older woman stood up and opened a drawer, taking out a file. “I was the one who decided to let Iruka out of the hospital, because I thought that let him live with Iruka would help both of them.” She shook her head. “I didn’t follow the psych evaluation, following my own observation...”

Sakura stared at her former sensei, letting her body relax. She did not find it easy to deal with those kind of situation, even if she had had years of practice with Naruto and Sasuke. “You couldn’t know, Tsunade-sama. Iruka-sensei can be damn well convincing when he puts his mind on it.”

“Hm. I know,” she breathed out, cleaning her glasses absentmindedly. “What is done, is done.”

Haruno could only make a tired smile. “I need to go, Tsunade-sama. Is there anything else? Surely Kakashi-sensei is waiting for me in the examination room, and there’s still a lot to do for the council.”

Godaime put them back on her nose, studying the strong woman putting her white jacket on, before taking her stacks and files. It was amazing how a student could surpass its teacher. “Are those old hags giving you any trouble? I could always scare them off some more, if you want. I miss doing that,” she mumbled.

A small chuckle. “This won’t be necessary, Tsunade-sama. Things are not going well, but we’ll make it through. I’m sure Naruto and Sasuke have found a way to straighten things out. I’ve also made some arrangements with Shikamaru and the Intel division to make sure they couldn’t go pass me without my consent. Have a nice day, now.”

She smiled as she was left alone. Sitting back at her desk, she was proud to have had such a formidable kunoichi under her tutelage. This village and this hospital were into formidable hands. Jiraya would have been impressed by all the work they did. Because holding a country steady after the war was not an easy task, even if she had done her best before leaving them her chair.

She cleared her throat, turning toward the closing door. “And now, it’s time for the brat!”

“Maybe I should have knocked before entering,” Kakashi muttered as he walked to the desk with his fists in his pockets. Even if it did not show, she felt the strong and angry vibe coming from him. His voice was leveled, yet his gray eyes were hard. “How is he?”

Tsuande sighed. And in the silence, she could not keep herself to note how he had just come right away, still disheveled and worn out from his way back home. “He is distressed. Unstable. Suicidal.”

Kakashi looked at the desk without seeing it, swallowing. He did not want to know, but his mind kept asking. “Has he... tried anything?”

“No. We moved as soon as we heard of the altercation. Even though he is in a bad place, he’s still aware of his surrounding and his train of thoughts.” Even if it did not show, she knew he was relieved. “Sanctions have also been given.”

Still. Kakashi cleared his throat. “Since how much time it’s been that way?”

“A month now. We only heard of what happened after a week, and since then, we had a team working with him. Sit, you must be tired.”

“No, thank you.” Crossing his arms on his chest, he needed to stand on his feet, to keep an attach to reality. “Where is he?”

“Still at your place. We thought that staying there would help him, being in a familiar environment and somewhere he felt at ease.. and in security. You have a good assets of trap, brat.”

“Hmm, sorry about that. I like to make sure that my privacy is kept while I’m gone.” He scratched his head. “Has anyone tried to reach him since he was assailed?”

She shook her head. “No, not that we are aware of. He stopped going to the mission desk. Well, I think he simply stopped going out at some point. If anyone tried to get to him, they would have fallen on your traps, anyway.”

Kakashi sighed. “What will happen, now?”

“He’s taken out of the military. His medical condition is hindering on his capacities... and because he has asked to be taken out of it.”

His eyes widened. “Really? More like he had no other choice.”

“You’ve got to understand, brat, that he chose this.” Tsunade saw him stiffened, his eyes narrowing. “You don’t have to let your political tirade on me. He is not your father. See by yourself, if that will convince you more. Cat will take you there, just after you pass by Sakura’s office like it’s been asked.”

He closed his eyes a moment, before barely bowing. “Sure, Tsunade-sama.” He heard her sigh as he left the room, thankful for the Anbu following him at a respectful distance. Having someone on his heels was not exactly what he needed right now.

Walking through the busy hallways of the ER – where Tsunade liked to keep her office, he did not even wondered why – he made his way through corridors and people without even looking. If he had cared, he would even have been able to tell the nurses’ names for all the time he had seen them.

Stopping at a door, he knocked – eying Cat who had taken a seat a few meters away, reading a news related paper – he entered as he heard Sakura’s muffled voice.

“I’m glad to see you unscathed this time, Kakashi-sensei,” she said, smiling. “Sit there, please.”

He forced a smile. “I’m glad to see you too, Sakura.”

He was, she knew that. “This won’t take long. I promise.” But sometimes the mind would be too focused on a situation to give anyone the chance to be present for the one talking directly to us. And that time, she knew why her former Team 7 leader could not answer her with all his self. “I spoke with him, Kakashi,” she started in a low voice as she busied himself with her tasks at hand.

His eyes perked up, but he said nothing.

“He is stronger than we give him credit for. Even through this mess, you have to trust him that he will not commit anything as definitive unless he had any other choice. Actually, I think that he has some perspective on this, even if it’s all jumbled.” She paused, writing on her pad. “It’s sad to say, but I think he waited to be pushed out of the shinobi circle by his own peers to take this decision. Something that was a tell-tale, perhaps.” Kakashi simply looked away, trying to understand why his anger would be searing like this.

How could she be so certain? Because sometimes an illness could be worse than what everyone thought, without the person suffering showing it. As of now, it seemed that everyone was dead certain that Iruka would pull it through. Had they been this sure about his father? Hell. Had they been this present for his father?

He remained silent, thankful that his former student resumed her examination without more questions about something that he felt was way more personal. He knew that she would have preferred him to talk, as it would be easier to assess both of them. Even if he would say that he was alright, he was not.

Sure, for breaking this taboo, the best way would be to talk about it. Yet, he did not feel ready for that. Even after all those years. He knew that many veterans felt pushed by the system; many, that people had never heard of, would never hear of. Although it was maybe not voluntary on one side, but the way the wheel was turning worked in this direction.

“Here, I’m done.”

His gray eyes met her green eyes. She had grew up into a grand woman. She was still as stubborn as before, but her capacity to see things further always impressed him. “Thank you, Sakura.”

“No problem, sensei. Say hi to Iruka-sensei for me, would you?”

He smiled as she grinned. “Sure will,” he answered before closing the door.

Maybe, in the end, he felt better in Sakura’s office. As it turned out, he could not suppress this impression of being scrutinized. Not that Cat was any indication of doing such thing – he was a good Anbu, Kakashi had to give it to him; staying away, but at the same time present, much like a cat – but he knew how people talked.

And he forced himself to take the walk around the village. They had to face it, it would not be because his lover suffered that he would hide away. If he was not able to talk for now, he could at least show them. How come the great Sharingan no Kakashi could keep up with someone so pathetic? Accept this favoritism by the administration? Why won’t he stand on our side?

Those questions, he knew they were asked. He was not blind to the compassionate ones who were there for him, for them, but those were mostly citizens outside of the shinobi ring. What hurt the most was how his own colleagues reacted. A lot of jounins, he noted, but also some chuunins and genins. Impressive how people were taken so easily by rumors and gossip without even trying to figure out what was true.

Reaching the step of his apartment felt like an eternity. Standing in front of his door did not feel much reassuring than standing in the streets. Cat by his side, he let the Anbu take care of it, opening the door, announcing them with care, without making a step inside. There were procedures to follow, it seemed.

“Iruka, Kakashi is here,” he heard a feminine voice state, muffled. His apartment was badly lit and he could not discern anyone standing in the living room.

“I want to see him.” Iruka’s voice was faint, but firm, which did not help his mind to settle on any scenarios he was processing.

“Do you want me to stay with you?” Even if he knew it was a valid question to ask, it still gave him the impression of being the one who had attacked Iruka back there.

“No.” He had not thought that he would feel so relieved. Still hidden behind his blank mask, his emotions were lurching and strong.

“Alright. I will see you tomorrow, same hour. If there’s anything, you know where to find me.”

Movements and a squeaking door were heard, and everything seemed to stand still until a small, chestnut haired kunoichi made her way at his kitchen table. “You may come in,” she said with such a soft voice that Kakashi wondered if there was any genjutsu used.

Cat nodded at him, letting him enter and closing the door gently, leaving both of them to stand in front of each other alone.

She smiled. A kind of confident smile, the one supposed to give you reassurance. The pink lip gloss she wore gave her blue eyes a distinctive impression. “Hi. My name’s Meriko Azumi, and I am the psychnin who’s been assigned to Iruka since his return from his last mission.”

“Nice... to meet you.” Hmm. He did not feel particularly impressed by her. She surely was a nice girl, but she seemed young and the kind of person wanting everyone to be happy. Maybe it was just him and the fact that since Kouta Kyoshi, he had not given any regards to any of them.

“The pleasure is mine. If you have any questions or hesitation, do not be afraid to contact me.” She gave him her card. “I will be off, now. Iruka’s in the bedroom.” She bowed and left, not waiting for Kakashi to reply.

Hearing the door close, he ruffled his hair, taking his headband off. Well, it seemed like his home was more or less his, now. Taking steps toward _his_ bedroom, he knocked – or what could be almost considered as a knock – on the slightly open door, daylight coming from the slit.

No answer. “Hey,” he whispered as he pushed it open. Iruka sat on his bed, looking through the window, his knees brought against his chest. He did not acknowledge him. “Can I come in?”

A small nod was the only thing he got. He kept himself from sighing, and he stood at the entrance, not knowing what he should do.

“Could... you take off your mask?” his voice was just a whisper, but in this relative silence, it was heard very well.

“Sure.” He did not ask why. He did not need it. Iruka turned to him, and he could see how he still was not at ease. “How... are you feeling?”

A shrug. “What do you want to hear? Shitty. Stupid. Pathetic. Scared.”

“Do I scare you?” Seeing the man he loved bit his lips and hesitate to speak hurt.

But fighting against his own head was a challenge he had to face every minute, Iruka found out. Was it a shadow clone? Was it someone to hurt him?

Standing in front of the fact that he knew Kakashi was there, that he would never hurt him, that he would respect him, were still thoughts of ‘how he was such a failure and how things would ever come back to normal’ always surging and taking hold of him. How he was not able to stand for his own in front of people like his lover, genin to jounin alike.

“It’s just...” He dared look at him. “What do you see of me?”

Kakashi held up his gaze, even if the watered brown eyes wanted to make him look away. “I see someone fierce and ready to stand for what he thinks right. And whatever the outcome is, it won’t change my point of view.”

Iruka shook his head. “Even if I’m not a shinobi?”

A frown. “This is who you are, shinobi or not. You have the Will of fire, even if you don’t have the uniform and a rank.”

“Sure...” Because protecting such a city seemed now pointless. He took his hairband off, passing a hand in his hair, trying to smooth them somehow through the grease. “I need to get away for a while. I wanted to know if you would come with me, now that your mission is over.”

Kakashi was surprised. Where did that come from? “Can you?”

“I don’t think they really care. In fact, tomorrow is the last day I’ll be seeing Meriko. Since I’m not part of the military service, the administration won’t be giving me any more services other than the weekly paycheck.”

Gray eyes widened, “So soon? Have they the right to do that? You served them for a long time!”

Umino shrugged a second time. “It’s been weeks I’ve given my resignation, ‘Kashi.” The silver haired jounin looked away. “There was only a follow up, and then I am left into the wild. I’m not a menace to them, actually. Without any chakra, what danger could I be to others,” he rolled his eyes, “other than to myself?”

Hatake gritted his teeth. “Still. They should keep helping you.”

Brown eyes tried to reach fleeing gray ones. “Will you come with me?”

“I... Give me some time to think about it. Don’t you think it’s a bit rushed? Don’t you want to wait, see how things turn out?”

So that was it. Iruka understood. Iruka knew that it was a logical Kakashi that had answered him. And yet, he felt as if he was pushed aside. That what he felt he truly needed was not as important as what Kakashi might need.

And so, he muted himself away. “Whatever,” he mumbled.

“Hey. Don’t be like that.” He tried to reach for his boyfriend, but as he saw him trying to become even smaller, his hand fell to his side. “Look. Things are still unfolding. The situation is still complicated. Do you understand?”

“Yeah, I do.” And he did, even if Kakashi seemed to not believe him on that statement. Well, the way he had said it might not have helped, but he left that point moot.

The jounin did not know what to do, and the fact that Iruka had closed himself left him perplex of what he could really say. Things had moved in his absence. Unpleasant things, it seemed. “Do you want me to stay for a while?”

The former chuunin eyed the floor, knowing that he should not let his mind be pulled away by his illness, but he was so tired to constantly keep his head above the water and understanding where everything stood anymore. “Just close the door on your exit, please.” Alone was better than having to face everyone.

Oh. Just like that? “Okay... then. I’ll be in the living room if you need anything.” And as much as he had hoped that it would get better in the next days, it did not seem to be the case.

After Meriko came to finalize her papers and report, she referred Iruka to another psychologist – while Kakashi felt her trying to bribe him to seek her help – nothing moved forward. Iruka stayed mostly in the bedroom, staring outside, sleeping, barely eating, the second psychologist understood very fast that until the man would not help himself, he could not do anything for him. An honest answer Kakashi was glad to be given.

The first days, they slept together in their bed, but Iruka twisting around in nightmares, Kakashi’s own mortifying him about Hideki, he decided to use the couch as his new place to rest. As much as he wanted to be there for his lover, it was draining him. As much as Kurenai and Genma tried to help, he still felt powerless. Did he truly want to go back in his retirement?

He was relieved of his own thoughts by someone knocking on his door. Putting his mask back on, he opened it to Naruto.

“Hi, Kakashi-Sensei! I had some time off, so I thought that maybe Iruka-sensei would like to eat some Ichiraku’s! I even brought it.”

The tiredness in Kakashi’s bones and mind felt a little lighter at such happiness coming from the blond brat. “That would...” he hesitated a second. Let’s try it. “...be great. Come on in.” Naruto grinned, ignoring the tense atmosphere. “Iruka’s in the bedroom. I’ll leave you two alone, if you don’t mind.”

“No problem.” Letting Kakashi do his things, Naruto walked to the bedroom door. “Iruka-sensei, it’s me, Naruto. I’ve brought some Ichiraku! Teuchi says hello!” And as he opened the door, he tried to not let himself be deterred as he found out the state his beloved sensei was. And as much as Sakura had been optimist, things were maybe not that easy.

The older had not taken much more weight since the last time he had seen him, unsettling him to be aware of his frail body, more bones than muscles. Reaching the bed, he still smiled. “Would you like some?”

Iruka eyed the take-out boxes. “I’m not hungry.”

“Oh! That’s alright. I’ll just leave it there.” Sitting on the floor in front of the scarred sensei, he was glad that it was not a complete refusal of his presence. “I’m sorry if I haven’t been visiting you lately. There’s a lot of work going on,” he slurped between two bites. If talking and being there could help his brother, he would be happy.

Iruka looked at him without saying anything, letting Naruto chat happily about what’s been his life as Hokage. He found it strange how it was comforting, how he felt in security. He didn’t hear everything, as his mind was not completely there, but his nose registered the smell of the food, and his stomach remembered that it had been while he had eaten anything.

He moved in a slow motion toward the ramen left at his side, and he was happy that Naruto said nothing and kept chatting happily. He opened the box; they were his favorite kind, with a big portion of fish. He was not able to smile, but he felt it. And even if he did not eat much of it, the jinchuuriki was satisfied with this small interaction. And Naruto kept coming back as much as he could.

“I know it’s not easy for you lately. If you need, you can stay at our place for awhile.” Kakashi had been informed by Genma that it was what they had found in a try to help.

“No, it’s quite alright. Thank you, though.” He had thought that he would have been strong enough for his man.

“How’ve you been?” asked Kurenai as she made her way toward them, stretching her arms. “The kids are in bed,” she whispered to Genma, who thanked her back.

It was not often he would be a witness of such interaction between the two of them. He supposed they tried not to hurt him, as he had known Asuma. “Maa, why does people keep asking me that?”

A click of tongue. “Don’t play dumb with me, Kakashi,” she chided him as the senbon user shook his head, a small smile gracing his lips.

“It’s complicated. The first years I’ve known Iruka, I wasn’t in his life as prominently as I am now. It seemed that this time around, he is not moving forward.” He ruffled his hair. “I don’t know.” Was he going to replay the same memories once again, cold body and blood on the floor? Which was worse, knowing he could have had a choice, now. He was an adult, not some genius trapped in a child’s body.

Genma scratched his hair free of its bandana. “You know, maybe you should take some time out of here with him. Did he tell you where he wants to go?”

He rubbed his cheeks. “No.” Hell, they had not even talk on a proper level in the last few weeks. “All I know is that I have the possibility to leave active duty once more. Naruto and Rokudaime were able to make a small treaty once more, putting Naruto’s head on the chopping block this time around. No one agrees with that, but I have no right to say a thing, it seems.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard about that,” growled Genma. “Also that they got threatened worse by Sakua when she learned!”

“No doubt. She’s the one with a head on her shoulders,” Kurenai stated. They all fell silent for a moment, agreeing wihtout having to say a word. “Still, think about it. Genma’s right. You should take some time off. This mission has screwed you well, anyway,” she muttered.

Kakashi stared at her.

She rose her eyebrows, her ruby eyes glowing with dare. “What?”

“Nothing, it seems,” he said in a low voice.

The tokubetsu looked at the two of them. “Okay... Just let me know once you’re done settling things. I’ll be in the kitchen making tea. Whatever.” He was not going to be part of this insane verbal battle, that was for sure.

“No, don’t,” started Kakashi, shaking his head. “Thanks, Genma, for the coffee, but I need to go back, anyway. ” He waved a good-bye before teleporting himself to his place.

He turned to her, crossing his arms on his chest. “You know, you can be angry for what he has done over there – which I don’t really know well, but still. I think you take this way too personal.”

She scoffed. “If I had been the one to have slept with someone knowing you’re at home, struggling, you would react the same way.”

He snickered. “Wrong. _I_ would understand if you needed to have sex-”

She was baffled. “That’s not even what this is about!”

“-and that maybe I’m not completely satisfying you, even if I try. It’s part of what I’m talking about. Understand that you are not in their life, and you don’t know what they are experiencing right now!”

She looked away. She had her rights to be angry. She was afraid for her friends.

He took her forearm gently. “Maybe you should just be there to listen. I know that it’s not easy, you’ve lost a great deal, I’m aware of that. And that Asuma, even after those years, is still there for you.”

“Stop.” She did not want to sound so weak. “Why is it about me now?”

Genma smiled sadly. “Because you make it your ordeal, when it’s maybe not about you. Let them choose their life, but be there for them.

“They are both grown-ass men that think are so strong and don’t need any help to figure things out. Until they come around by themselves, just be there.” She said nothing, biting her lips. “I’ll go sleep. Good night.”

She let him kissed her, embrace her within his arms, even is she was angry. She was angry for him to have brought up Asuma, to have exposed something that might be true, in the end. It was a passionate kiss. He loved her. And she... liked him back. Genma was a great man, and she was happy with him. Her love for Asuma was still burning through her, though. And he understood that.

It was strange. Maybe he was right. She had always fought with Asuma about those kind of things. Stating what he thought was right, what he felt was wrong, moving toward what he thought life should be. Genma was just... there. Compassionate, listening, understanding. Someone completely different.

“Good night,” she whispered back. He kissed her forehead before heading to their bedroom.

Playing with her ring at her finger, she wondered why it was so hard to let someone go. Or if she even had to absolutely do so.

***

Naruto blinked his eyes as someone turned on the main light of the office.

“What are you doing working at this hour?”

“I could ask you the same thing, Sakura,” he replied tiredly, noting the heavy circles under her green eyes.

She smiled, nodding her head. “It’s just unusual to see you work so late. Or even work at all, I must say.”

As she sat next to him, he stretched his arms, his shoulders popping. “Hey, I’m not that lazy. Working this late gives me a way to go spend time with Iruka-sensei. And since Sasuke has to stand low, I have to do more work.” He rubbed his eyes.

She opened her folders, starting to organize every documents she had to check, biting her lips. “Yeah, I know. Wish I could do the same.”

“Hey, dont’ worry. You do a lot of work, more than anyone, don’t beat yourself over that. Iruka-sensei is doing better. He even started to laugh again!”

Seeing her blond friend grin made her body relax. “It’s good to hear. Being so much in the hospital is great and all, but I have so many meeting with the council and Sasuke that I can’t even bother to think that things are better...”

“It’s not going well?”

She sighed, pausing in her work. “Not that much. The council won’t give Sasuke any room to move. And you know how he is. He wants results. He wants things to be already different. But we have hardly make anything move since you both came back.”

“Yeah, I heard. Sasuke wants to leave once again.”

“Hm...”

They stood in relative silent, her pen swiftly moving on different papers. Naruto did not dare to move. It was hard to temper his best friend judgment and impatience.

“The council decided to execute the traitor,” she said in a low voice, stirring Naruto from his thoughts. “Not before being _questioned_ by Morino Ibiki.”

He pinched his lips, eying her. “You did a good job to find him.”

She scoffed. “I did nothing. Everything moved fast. We were just lucky to catch him before he tried his escape. There’s a whole network that ANBU and T&I are trying to dig out.” Things had changed since she had chosen this life as leader. You took decisions, and you had to live with the lives spent according to the necessity. She knew the soldiers who gave their life. It was not easy to deal with it. “What happens if Sasuke leaves?”

A sigh. “I will possibly be hold responsible for his departure. He could be accounted as a missing nin once again. I don’t know. I suppose it will depends on the old men leading the other hidden villages. I’ll try everything for it not to happen.” The jinchuuriki ignored Kurama’s snorting at his words, and smiled to her.

“I believe you,” she replied with a soft voice, smiling back. “Thank you for doing what most people wouldn’t.” He had done so before, he would do so once again. He worked hard for everyone he cared for, and she had to say that she was impressed by what he was able to accomplish.

She put a strand of her pink hair behind her ears, glancing at the papers Naruto was working on as he scratch his head. “Kakashi-sensei decided to finally retire once more?”

“Yeah! For a genius, sometimes Baka-sensei can be slow.”

She could not keep herself to chuckle, even if deep inside she knew it was a bit harsh. “They have a lot to deal with,” she replied. “Did he agree to go with Iruka-sensei?”

“I think so. It’s hard to tell with this mask.”

“Hm, sure.” She said nothing more, and kept working. She did not need to remind him how he was not always so good at reading elusive people like Hatake Kakashi. Still, he was intelligent and was able to put himself in their place to understand their pain. She smiled to herself.

“Hey! What’s so funny!”

She laughed, a bit of light in a grim world. “Nothing, Naruto. I’m just tired. On that, I’ll let you finish this. I still have a lot of things to do for tomorrow.” She grabbed her white coat, throwing it on her shoulder aimlessly, not bothering if her hair was stuck under the fabric.

He smiled. “Sure. See you tomorrow at the gates. Hey, Sakura!”

She turned, “Yeah?”

“Just wanted to tell you that you’ll be a great mom to that kid. It’ll change his life, trust me.”

She grinned, a soft grin, not knowing where to look, choosing the grand blue eyes in the end. “Thank you, Naruto. Standing by a friend who had to go through so much as a child made me open my eyes, you know? It’s only normal that I stand for something I feel is doing the right thing. Good night.”

And as she closed the door, Naruto smile to himself. He would stand by his friends just as before.

***

Kakashi waited patiently, turning pages after pages of his Icha Icha, wondering if Iruka had once again flew off as his body stood, unmoving, in front of the door. “Are you sure you want to do this? If you don’t feel ready, we’ll wait before leaving so we can always come back tomorrow.”

The former chuunin studied the ground, “No, it’s alright,” he mumbled, before letting his hand knock twice.

Seconds passed before dark, bored eyes greeted him through a slit. “What?”

Iruka bit his lips. “I... Just wanted to say that I’m sorry. That’s all. I know you’re angry at me, and you have the right. Just- I’m sorry.”

A heavy sigh was heard, before Kotetsu opened his red door, letting a draft of cleaning detergent be smelled. “Come in. I’ll make coffee.” He simply moved back to his kitchen, not even waiting to see if Iruka wanted to take the offer.

“You want me to come?” whispered Kakashi, putting his orange book in his pocket.

He shook his head. “No. I think we need to talk by ourselves. It won’t be too long, I promise. Thank you for standing by me, though.”

He barely smiled. “It’s nothing. I should have been more present, anyway.”

They both said nothing, staring at each other. They were sorry for how things had turned out, yet how said things were going to unfold seemed hazy. The brown haired man finally nodded and entered the apartment, leaving Sharingan no Kakashi deceived by the lack of answer, and simply leaned against the wall in the hallway.

Oh well, there were still so many pieces to glue back together. Iruka understood that, and for now, he had to focus on this one. Seeing Kotetsu putting mugs on the table, he took a seat in front of the green one, declining the sugar and the milk. “I don’t remember you being a coffee drinker.”

“I’m not,” he stated, as he poured enough sugar in his. “But I heard it was a good way to start discussion.” Iruka shook his head, smiling, Kotetsu chuckling by his side. “Izumo told me many times how he was scared for your coffee intake to be dangerous on your health.”

“Yeah, he tried a sneak attempt to give me some decaf once, which was seen immediately. There’s a difference of taste, I assure you.”

A shrug, and the small, lighten moment disappeared, “Sure, if you say so.” Silence once again, Iruka wondering if he had said something wrong. “You seem to be better.”

He ruffled his hair, taking the hairband and playing with it. “Yeah, kind of. It’s still hard. There’s... still a lot of things I’m struggling with. And you?” It was hard to ignore the fact that the place was actually clean, but he still preferred to ask instead of assuming.

“Pretty obvious, but yeah. I’ve decided to try to take a hold of my life, in the end. I suppose that I needed more help than I thought of.”

Iruka smiled, nodding. “Yeah, I understand that.”

A pause. “You know, I think leaving the village for a while will be good for you. Is Kakashi coming with you?”

Iruka scratched his head. “Ha, everyone seems to know everything out here. Yeah, he’s coming. I think we both need it. That’s why I wanted to pass by; I’m leaving tomorrow, and I couldn’t let things like that.”

A small scoff. “It’s good to know. Let me know once you come back.” His friend stood up – whom Iruka followed – and went to open the door.

He tried to brush off how heavy his stomach was. “Sure, I will. Take care, Ko’.”

“Will do.” A small smile, and it shut closed.

Somehow, he would have like this to happen differently, but he supposed he could not make things go away this easily. Scratching his shoulder, he walked to the lazy form of Kakashi reading not too far from him, who waved to his lover, closing his book. “Can we please go home?”

“Sure,” was the only word whispered back before the jounin teleported them. He helped steady his lover. “You alright?”

Iruka shook his head, tying to control his emotions, his hands working to take Kakashi’s mask down to reveal his face once more. “I just need to know that things are going to be better. A part of me knows it, I’ve been through this once, I can do it again.”

Sharingan no Kakashi hugged the shaking man, kissing his head. He knew how things did not always fell neatly in place, even when we wanted it too. He did not have to ask that he knew his lover had hopes of this encounter, yet Kotetsu had rights to be angry.

“We’ll take all the time you need,” he whispered in his ears. And the one he needed to understand how things became lost to his control.

 

 


	11. Chapter 11

 

 

Saying goodbye to his friends felt weird. Partly because Iruka knew he would be coming back, but also because he felt that the goodbyes where true for one half of himself. He hoped that once he reached those gates once more, he would have found out what he was seeking for.

Kakashi did not speak much on their way, and he was thankful for that. The silence was not an uncomfortable one, but they both found some time for themselves through it. The difference, when he compared it to the oppressive silence of the apartment, was vivid. Here, walking on the roads of life, there was somehow an openness to their feelings. There was no walls, no people to remind them where they stood – or did not stand – in the shinobi society.

Iruka did not know how much time he would spend outside of the village. “Take all the time you need, Umino,” Tsunade had told him. He remembered well how she had let him know that if he had a change of heart, there was something she could do. Well, this journey was to find what this change would be. Because walking around without his headband on, in civies, still took time to adjust to.

“Are you sure this is where you want to go?”

Iruka looked up from his meal at his boyfriend. He felt relieved to see his face, but there were still some raw emotions he could not let go yet. “I wondered how much time it would take you to ask me this question.”

Kakashi heard the bitterness in his tone. Had his lover tried to hide it? He sighed. “I’m not calculating anything, ‘Ru. It’s just- I want to be sure that this is truly what you want.”

With a shake of his head, strands of brown hair tickled his cheeks. He did like to wear it down lately; it felt like a new-found freedom of some sort. “I know this is what I want. It’s the only person I feel that will understand where I stand in all of this.”

Why did that hurt? Kakashi could not tell. “He has used you. There was no compassion in his acts, Iruka.”

Brown eyebrows furrowed. “How can you tell? Were you there? Even if it doesn’t seem like it to all of you – Naruto, Sakura, Tsunade, Sasuke, and even you, it seems – I want to talk to him once more. I have the right to make this choice, now that I’m not in the military force.”

A pale hand was held in defense, “I know, I know.”

Silence took hold, leaving the cracking fire to talk for them. The silver haired jounin tried to not hold the defensive state Iruka always was in. He supposed that it had a lot to do with the last few months. Hell, he had no doubt that this would have changed his view on life too, or maybe just reinforce what he already knew existed.

He would have hoped that this journey would at least bring them to talk. Ha! He was foolish. If he could at least himself say something himself, it would be better. He was not sure what he was supposed to say. Let alone, how he was supposed to say it.

Placing their sleeping bags on the ground once the small meal finished and the fire crushed, they stood side by side, studying each other.

“Good night, ‘Kashi,” whispered the younger man, burying himself deeply inside the bag. He saw those flickering emotions in those profound gray eyes, always coming back each time he called his lover by the nickname he had given him.

It hurt him to watch Iruka simply close his eyes, shutting him out, without even having time to say something. He sighed. “Good night,” he mumbled back.

***

It took them one more day until they reached their destination, a small village hidden far in the lands, making them both feeling out of place. Villagers stopped their tasks to look at them; everyone knew who they were looking at, yet Sharingan no Kakashi still looked bored and lazy, mask on and Icha Icha in hands.

“Relax, Iruka,” he whispered, feeling the stress emanating from his lover. But he understood where it came from. He had spotted himself a few shinobis studying them on their way. They were protecting their lands, and he respected that. It seemed that his persona still made a lot of waves.

“I know...” came a curt reply. The tanned man busied himself with tying his hair up, looking for the small house. “Could you please just say it?” he asked with a softer voice.

The smile was not seen under the black fabric. “Fish.”

Iruka felt silly, but hearing the safe word they used reassured him, knowing that Kakashi was effectively by his side. Being without his gear made him feel powerless, even if he had hidden some of Sharingan no Kakashi’s kunais under his clothes. Yet he had to face it, his body was still in no shape to give a lot of chance in any case of attack.

For weeks he had tried to get back on his feet, but his physiology seemed to have taken its toll from all the things scientists had done on him. He scratched his forehead – and not feeling any headband or cold metal was disturbing. “It should not be too far. The old lady said it was after the wooden fence. Here.”

The very small wooden house was well hidden behind trees. The place seemed abandoned, some windows cracked, the walls had been vandalized with scribbled writing that said ‘monster’, “go home’, ‘not wanted here’. They understood why the women had stared at them with sheer suspicion when they had asked for directions.

“No one seems to be here...” muttered Kakashi, putting his book in its pocket. Knocking on the door, they waited for an answer.

“My sister won’t open t’e door for you.” They turned as they heard the familiar voice. “Didn’t t’ought I’d see you again, Umino. Barely recognize you, if it wasn’t for your scar,” he muttered, mimicking the long scratch covering the bridge of his nose.

Iruka did not smile, his brows furrowing. In fact, he was rather surprised by the fear sinking in, closing and opening his hands repeatedly. “I wasn’t sure either, Kyoshi,” he said after a moment, feeling one of Kakashi’s hand touching his’.

The blond man shook his head, putting the bag of rice on the ground as he reached the door, barely acknowledging them. “Sis’,” he shouted, knocking on the door, glancing at Sharingan no Kakashi’s serious expression, “t’ey are friends. You can open t’e door.”

It took a moment, but the creaking door opened, a tall man with long blond hair stood at the entrance. She made space for her brother to enter with a graceful smile and a small bow of her head, before turning to the two Konoha citizens. “You may enter,” she whispered, peering outside, fleeing their eyes.

Iruka tried not to stare, trying to study the inside of the badly lit house instead, yet the wide burn that scarred a part of her head impressed him. “Thank you,” he said, bowing.

Kakashi simply followed his boyfriend, already making sure that the place they were in was indeed safe. Because even if he knew that Iruka was somehow able to defend himself, it was better to rule out any possibilities. It was such a small habitation that there was only one bedroom, on the only floor the house had. An open living room area mixed with a kitchen. Not a lot of place to hide or to dive for in any case, but he noted the small door that seemed to connect with a possible backyard.

Kyoshi leaned against his table, staring at them with what seemed like annoyance. Or so Iruka thought. “So, what are you here for? Didn’t t’ey forbidden you for ever speaking wit’ me?”

He scratched his cheek. “Well, yeah. But, huh... it’s a long story. I- I would like to talk with you in private.” He ignored the surprised look Kakashi gave him, which was not unnoticed by the host. “If you don’t mind, I mean. I know I’ve come here without any explanations or-”

“No,” Kyoshi cut him, “it’s alright. Come, we’ll go in t’e garden. Do you mind taking care of our special guest, Sis’?” Kakashi rolled his eyes, crossing his arms on his chest.

“No problem at all. Your friends are my friends,” she said in a soft voice, smiling. As the two men left them, she turned to the strange looking haired silver shinobi. “Would you like some tea?”

And Kakashi was at a loss. Standing there, he stared at the sister, not knowing what to do. Not that it showed. “Sure.” He took place at the small table. “What is your name?” It was better knowing her than wondering why Iruka had not talked about anything of this. Not that it should be that surprising, when he thought about it.

“Mari. And you are the great Sharingan no Kakashi. Your reputation precedes you.”

“Maa, not that it should,” he replied, smiling. “I’m sorry to say, but you don’t have the same accent as your brother.”

She giggled. “Kyoshi has this instinctive way of fearing people to know him. He might feel the need to protect me.” He nodded. “You have more subtlety than your partner, I must say.”

He took the cup of tea she was offering him. “What do you mean?”

“You hide your emotions pretty well. But I still sense a lot of turmoil. Would you like to talk about it?” She sat in front of him, playing with her hair..

He stared at her. She was one to be as blunt as him, if not even more. “I don’t think any of this is necessary... Mari. But thank you.”

“As you wish. Yet, you should talk with your companion about what perturbs you. He is most sensitive, as a lot of us are after the effects of war and persecution.”

He nodded, keeping his brows from frowning. “Gaining diplomatic refugee is one way to deal with those effects. Even if they seem to follow you even at the door of your home,” he replied.

She smiled, noting how he had barely tried to let any threats out of his words. “People are afraid of what they don’t know or don’t understand. We come here to live amongst them, but they want to protect what they already barely possess.

“It’s only a normal reaction to them, not used to strangers in such a small community. Perhaps if we had chosen the bigger city in Grass country it would have been easier to pull it off without rocks thrown at us.” She took a sip of her white tea, letting the words sink in. She looked back at the lazy gray eyes. “I forgive them. They still have a lot to learn, and in return, I help them as much as they let me.”

They stood in relative silence, Kakashi barely sipping his tea. It reminded him why he never bought any white ones. “I must say that you are as nosy as your brother.”

She grinned. “It’s in the family. It might be the only thing I keep in mind from it.”

Kakashi sighed. He hoped that he would not have to sustain this discussion for too long.

***

Iruka awkwardly sat by Kyoshi’s side, tugging at his black t-shirt and green cargo pants. It had been the only thing that relatively seemed like his old outfit somehow. He watched the blond man installing himself against the trunk of a tree.

“So, how are you?”

A nervous chuckle. “Huh, I’ve been better.”

“Yeah, I bet,” he muttered. One-o-six looked better than when he had been tied to that chair, but he still looked pretty damned sick if you asked him. He had seen the limping – surely permanent, he supposed – and the way he carried himself, trying to be smaller than he already was. He still had a pale complexion and a gaunt body, and from what he could see, his hands and other parts seemed to have scarred badly.

“And you?”

He sighed. “Oh, old same, old same.” He did not have time for such small talk. Time to cut to the chase. “Why are you here? I’ve got nothing for you. I did what I had to do. You’re just going to hurt you more.”

Iruka looked away, his twisted hands playing with the grass. “Ha! I doubt that.” Blue eyes narrowed at the bitter tone. “I feel better being out there than back where it’s suppose to be home...”

He was surprised to be nodding in accordance. “I know that feeling. What happened?”

Brown eyes questioned the blue ones. Was he truly concerned? “I had to resign from the shinobi force. There’s was no future for me there.”

Well, that was not completely surprising from what he had seen. “What will you do then?”

Iruka’s brows furrowed, pinching his lips. “I don’t know. Staying at home wasn’t a good prospect, all in all. I’ve been a shinobi all my life. You either die out on the field, or you get home. It seemed like getting home was a bad choice. Everyone resent me for what happened. I don’t feel there’s a place for me in Konoha anymore.”

Blond eyebrows rose for a few seconds. Kyoshi could not suppress a bark of laughter. “Seriously? And you think being here would be better? Look at yourself, Umino. You’re all this patriotic shinobi – okay, former shinobi, I get it – who shines on giving himself to his village. You don’t belong outside of it!”

Now that was insulting! “Have you heard what I’ve told you? Why keep protecting people who don’t want me there?!” He tried to not shout – he did not want to alert Kakashi – but it was harder than he thought. He had not come here for such belittle talk.

A shook of head, arms crossing on a chest. Kyoshi had no patience for this. “Hey, listen here. There’ll always be people who will look up to you. Maybe a majority of shinobis feel shame about you, but you still have this ‘Will of Fire’ you people are so known for. Think about it. What does it stand for? Only for shinobis?

“I left my country because it held no value for me. Living in such a conservative and regressive land didn’t suit me. You saw the scar my Sis’ wield. My father scarred her when she was ten, when she told him she felt that she was more a woman than a man. I played along, only to make sure I could get a way out.

“Oh, eventually the old man died of a suspicious illness,” he rolled his eyes, “but if one man is capable of doing such a thing, think about a whole government. I simply did what was best, and if getting here as a refugee is, that’s what I had to do.”

Iruka ruffled his hair, trying not to stare at the former samuraï. “I didn’t know-”

“No, no one ever know about this. I don’t care. What I mean, is that there are other ways to get where you want to be. Mari is happy here. She’s safe. That’s what I wanted. What do you want?”

Umino’s eyes widened. “I don’t know...”

“Being a soldier takes a lifelong, but you’re more than this. I’m more than a samuraï – I was never good at it anyway.” He stretched his limbs, yawning. “You can stay here for the nigh if you want, but you leave tomorrow. Sis’ will show around – there’s not much, though.”

Iruka smiled timidly, not sure if it had been a good idea after all. “Thanks... “ He untied his hair, letting the breeze flow through the rebellious strands. He did not know Kyoshi at all. Why should he have thought it would be... different? At least, he was honest and frank. Maybe a little overreacting and grouchy. Oh, they all seemed grouchy and unpleasant when he was under their scrutiny. “What were they hoping to achieve?” he finally asked, playing with the hairbands, absorbed by his hands.

“Hmm? Those crazy asses? They wanted to find a ‘cure’. Something that would be injected to every shinobi, as a way to control your population. Sure, the previous government wasn’t too bad on your kind, but the new one was aggressive. They held you responsible for those wars – though, I do not object for it, but the solution was drastic.

His jaw clenched shut. He and Izumo had truly been simply at the wrong place, at the wrong moment. It was sheer luck that had got him out of here. Every other shinobis were nobodies, with no alliances and no suppport to support them from the outside.

They had been lab rats to a ‘greater good’. Sure. He knew Izumo would have barely survived his wounds, even if they had gotten home. Yet, to die this way was dishonorable. And to survive it was a challenge it seemed; Iruka having a hard time seeing what he should be doing of himself.

“Do you know what they’ve sentence the ones they caught after it failed?”

Kyoshi snickered. “Haven’t you asked anything from the old man inside sitting with my sister?” He saw how Iruka barely shook his head. His smug smile fell off his lips. “Sorry. Well, I heard they executed most of them, while some were kept alive. Don’t know why, don’t care.”

“Surely to know if there is a bigger organization still playing their cards, or simply to take them as examples. There can be a lot of reasons.”

“Hmm.” Kyoshi stared at the sky. There could be a lot of reasons for a lot of things, that he knew. He could have chose to let Katashi live when he had plead for his life, but he still had preferred to kill him. For reasons he had yet to clearly explain to himself, other than anger and resentment. Something that felt much more primal. The same when he had seen his father shudder and die of asphyxia in front him, understanding what was happening.

Such memories.

***

Sleeping in the small bedroom, already packed with two beds, was not the most comfortable setting. Even if they had worse, waking up groggy and sore was not one of the best morning they could have. They found out that their hosts were early-to-rise people, already going about their day. Mari did show them around in the morning, after giving them breakfast, Kyoshi somewhere around the lands – “To work in the fields,” had explained his sister. “I stay home, or sometimes help the herbalist.”

The little village was very small, people suspicious and murmuring on their way. Iruka was surprised of the lack of kids running around. “The country is poor, and younger people try their hands at life in bigger place since there’s not much work.”

It was not long that they settled on their departure, Mari being the only one to wave them good-bye.

“They were not very pleasant people,” muttered Kakashi, after a few hours.

Iruka laughed, scratching his head. “Yeah, I agree. It was weird. But I think... that it was good.”

Kakashi smiled. “That’s what’s important, if it helped you.” He did not say how he felt like the shinobi hired to protect a civilian, rather than being his boyfriend sharing an important part of his life. Was there somewhere else you felt the need to go?”

He stopped in his track, turning to Kakashi, ignoring the mask. “Not really. But... I don’t wish to go back yet.” A pale hand took his forearm gently.

“Well, I thought that maybe going to those hot springs could do us some good. I feel that we didn’t take much time to deal about us.” Why did he whispered the last words? The way his stomach crisped made him uncomfortable.

Iruka smiled, looking at his feet. What Kakashi was saying was true, as much as he would have like things to be different. “Yeah, we could.” He looked back at the uncertain gray eyes. “Why not. Lead the way.”

It would take them a few days more until they reached Hidden Waterfall. Using known routes for safety – even if they both knew other paths to get there faster – doing so seemed to be what normal people on a trip would do.

There was not much they wanted to talk about on their way. Each of them were dreading on their own what could happen if they did even breach any subject that stood between them. But it eventually had to arise. Even if nothing was said, the felt the strain it put on them, how it pull backward somehow instead of forward.

“There’s something I need to talk about,” said Kakashi without thinking one night they decided to stay at a small inn. He had just woken from another one of his disturbing dreams – if he could call them that. How, between what seemed almost consent but at the same time abuse, it was Iruka who was pulling the strings over him as Hideki would stare. If he thought more and more about it, nothing would ever come out of his mouth. “What- how did you cope with having to sell yourself for a mission?” There, it was out.

Brown eyes shot up from the window view they were looking at, and it was impossible not to stare. Kakashi had always this way of saying things so bluntly. “Well, I... It’s different for everyone, I guess.”

Seeing Iruka up was a sight the jounin was used to, his black t-shirt and white boxers being the only clothes he wore. “You don’t seem surprised.”

He scoffed. “I suspected it after a while, you know.” He put his coffee mug on the small table furnishing the bedroom. “The distance you put between us. I first thought that it was because of me, of who I was, what had happened. I thought it brought shame somehow. Your partner having become a farce of a shinobi...” He grimaced, scrunching up his nose. “But you were still there for me.” A small smile graced his lips. “Still, after all of this.

“And as much as I managed my anxiety, there was still physical distance,” The smile disappeared. “You don’t kiss me anymore, you are unable to sleep in the same bed with me.” He moved toward the bed, sitting on Kakashi’s side. “You have those dreams – or nightmares, I don’t know – when you sleep, different from the ones before. You flee when I call you ‘Kashi’,” and again there was those fleeing eyes for mere seconds, “as if I said something that makes your skin crawl.” He stopped talking, shaking with all the emotions he felt at saying those words that had been on the verge of his mind since weeks now. He crossed his arms on his chest, trying to keep the little bit of dignity he had gain back in weeks.

Kakashi did not know how to respond at first. Freeing one of his hands, it was with a small hesitation that he finally touched Iruka’s cheek. “I’m sorry for thinking that it wouldn’t affect you. I should have known that you would be aware of it much more than I thought.” He fell silent.

The brown haired man let that one pass, but oh! he wanted to remind him that he should have talked to him about the matter. Well, he could have asked questions too, now that he thought of it. “I’m not good at coping with that, you know. I didn’t do a lot of those missions. I was ‘trained’ for it, because my jounin instructor thought that I was good at it. Well, I think... I just ignore the pain and my feelings, I let it pass as normal, and I just block it in my head without more questions. That’s not necessarily a good thing to do... And you know, I don’t mind so much that you don’t want to have sex for now, anyway.”

The silver haired man frowned. “What?”

A small laugh. “It must sound weird. It’s just... After what happened back there, I just want to be focusing on myself for now. I didn’t want to worry about you, or anything else. I don’t want to have to force myself to please you.”

“Have you ever done that?” He tried not to sound angry. Yet, had he ever made his lover feel like that?

Iruka’s eyes widened. “No! Not with you. But I didn’t want to start once more, you know?” One of his hands reached Kakashi’s one, his thumb stroking the skin with care.

Silence embraced them once more. It was comforting, and for once in what had been a long series of months and weeks, they felt on the same level. If it could have stayed that way, the famous copycat ninja would have been glad.

“But I also slept with him because I wanted it. Outside mission’s parameters.” He had said it with calm, knowing how it would hurt. The thumb stopped stroking his hand for a moment, Iruka biting his lips as his brows furrowed.

“Oh.” How could...

“Yeah,” Kakashi breathed out. He felt his stomach crisp as the hand retracted away from him. “I know I shouldn’t have, my head was telling me to not do that. But... It’s been hard, Iruka. For you, but also for me. I didn’t know where I should have been standing and-”

“By my side!” let out the former chuunin through clenched teeth. Is heart was beating with rage, hurting his ribcage.

“And I was there, but should I remember you that you didn’t want me there?!”

Iruka stood up from his spot. “What? That’s not true!” Kakashi stared at him with dark gray eyes. “And so? What if? That doesn’t excuse what you did! I could barely even stand by myself!”

“No, I know that. But I want you to understand that – even if I know you were ill and needed time – I didn’t know where I could stand with you. You pushed me away. You didn’t want me there. As in our relationship!”

Iruka said nothing. There was nothing to say, anyway. He turned away, facing the wall, seeing his lover’s reflection in the mirror. He rubbed his eyes. “You know,” he finally let out, trying to formulate what he thought in a clear way, “I asked you many years back if you could accept being with me without having sex. You remember? Then, why couldn’t you just talk about it? Why couldn’t you just say something.”

Kakashi stood on his elbows. “I- You were having a hard time-”

He was not able to let his voice at an acceptable level, facing with force the man he used to trust. “Don’t pull that crap over the fact that you still should have talked with me. That you needed to have sex or I don’t know what! Yeah, maybe I had a hard time to be there mentally, but you should have said something. I don’t need everyone protecting me.” He took a deep breath, hugging himself. Shaking his head, his lips became a thin line, before whispering, “Certainly not from you. I can protect myself. I can make choices. I can take decisions. Maybe clouded ones sometimes, but I’m still able to do so.”

Kakashi closed his eyes a moment, beating himself mentally for being such a bad communication and relationship handler. He stood up, trying to contain the pain he felt to see Iruka take a step back as he made one toward him. “I’m sorry. You are right. I should have. I made assumptions. I- I didn’t know what to do anymore.” He saw Iruka pick up his cargo pants. “I’m sorry.”

“Look, I need to think for a while. I’ll be in downstairs, you can keep the bedroom.”

Cringing as he heard the door closed, he rubbed his face. There was no way that this could have gone better. There was no way this kind of matter could be brought up at any other moments. Maybe he should have said something sooner. But how could he have? Between having to the confidentiality of his mission, going to the Lands of Iron and his lover barely getting back on his feet, he did not know what his options were.

As much as he understood Iruka’s point of view, it still could have made things worse than they already were. Because being on the edge of his own life as he had been, where Kakashi had to witness all those subtle remarks about committing suicide or not, those words could have make things worse.

He went to his bed and sat on it, ruffling his hair. He hated not knowing what to do with himself. Going back to sleep was futile when the thoughts kept running on his mind. Should he have kept it for himself, then? It would have been only one of so many secrets he had hold up in his years as a working shinobi. And that was exactly what he did not want to happen.

He did not want to deal with Iruka as a mission, having to analyze what was a risk and what was not. What could be said, what could not. He wanted to be able to open up to him, just as Iruka had done over the years. Maybe it was not for him. All of this. Why had it been easier before, and now should it be so complicated?

The sun finally rose. He had not closed his eyes once the whole night, and seeing his reflection in the mirror let him with the impression he did truly look like a scarecrow. His muscles were stiff as he put his attire on because of the lack of sleep and rest. Trying to make himself a little better did not work well. Too bad, it would have to do. Making sure he picked his lover’s backpack and personal belonging, he made his way down stairs with reluctance.

His man was sitting at a table for two, installed in a corner, facing a window, his shoulders slouched, holding his head between his hands. Grabbing himself a cup of coffee at the breakfast, he took a deep breath.

“Hey,” he said in a low voice, not to startle Iruka. A glance was barely given, but he could not keep himself from noting the red puffy eyes. “Can I sit with you?”

A vague gesture of one hand. “Sure,” was grumbled back, keeping his eyes on his cold mug of coffee. When he finally dared take a look at Kakashi, it was sad, lost, and circled gray eyes that met his. “I... don’t clearly understand why you did what you did. I- Abuse sometimes mixes things up, and I’m very sorry for what you had to go through. But it hurts. I hurt. I’m angry. I feel betrayed, but I feel pain for you at the same time.

“I can’t... overlook this and hide behind the fact that you didn’t know what you were doing. I used to know that you don’t take decisions lightly.” He rubbed his eyes. “You go over and over and over something to make sure what’s best. So I don’t understand how you fell on that decision.”

“I’m only human, Iruka. I might be a genius, but even a genius can make mistakes. I’m not proud of that mistake. I don’t ask you to forgive me. I never will. You have all the rights to be angry.” He let his hands reached the middle of the table. “I just wish to know if we’re going home together, or not. I will take you back, and leave you alone after all of this.”

Brown eyes widened, a dark scoff was let out. “You make things sound so easy, ‘Kashi.” The silver haired man cringed a little at the word, but he kept his gaze leveled. “I haven’t had things easy lately, and maybe I didn’t make them easier for anyone either. I feel like I don’t know anyone anymore, and that I can barely grasp who I am, and even who we are as a couple. I want to try and see what’s left...” He let one hand reached the pale one.

A sad smile. “No. And I don’t think I’ll get passed it. But I think that there’s a part of you who had to deal with something way worse than you let it look like. I know that.”

“Are we still going to those hot springs?”

“Yeah. We’ll work things out.”

And they tried very hard to work on their relationship, even if it felt weird for both of them. One of the biggest problem was out in the open, yet it was now that they both could see the gap that had widen between them. But it helped, and they could build a bride to cross the differences and the pain.

Iruka could see how he had pushed his lover away. He could see how Kakashi was afraid of hurting him even more when he voiced his thoughts or touched him, and as weird as it was to see such a renown jounin to hesitate like this, he understood where he did come from.

“I’m sorry if I acted like a jerk in the last months,” he said, hiding his body under the water of the hot spring.

His lover gave him a questioning glance. “Don’t be. You were dealing with a lot of things and trying to adjust to them.”

“Yeah... But you had to deal with me and your duty. It’s a lot of things too.”

Kakashi scratched his chin. “Yeah, it was,” he conceded. They had not talk much over the rest of their way toward Hidden Falls, but they let themselves meet each other again.

He moved closer to the taller man, yet let a small distance between them, simply taking one of the strong hands in his. “How do you feel?”

“Good question.” He squeezed the twisted hand gently. “I’m still wrapping my mind around all of this. I don’t feel that I’m doing you any service.”

Brown eyebrows furrowed. “You’ve hurt me – just as you hurt yourself, I guess. You tried to be there for me. You tried to stand by me. I feel that you respect me for who I am, even if you cheated on me.”

“How come? Most people would say that it is a blatant lack of respect. I broke your trust.”

“I was angry when I said that. But our- your work is hard. You had to let a man do things to you without your consent. He might have played with your feelings too.” He adjusted his position to be more comfortable. He resumed in a lower voice, “You know, when they tortured me, I said a lot of things about you. I suspected they might play with it against you when you would be out in those lands. I just didn’t think you would have to do that.”

They stayed silent. “Still, why isn’t it a lack of respect?” Kakashi frowned as he heard Iruka chuckled. There was only Iruka to laugh in such a moment.

“Because even when I pity and hate myself, I see it in your eyes that you see me for who I could be. And I try really hard to get there.”

Kakashi leaned toward the tanned man, he let his other hand play in Iruka hair. He liked it without the hairband on. Iruka’s breath itched, but he did not push him away. “Just be yourself, Iruka. Who I see is who you are. I love you, whatever the situations we are in.” He stayed silent, studying the brown eyes that were starting to water. His voice became a thin whisper. “I’m just afraid that you lose sight of you are, just like my father. And if you ever get there once again, I’ll still be there, just as before.

“You asked me how I felt earlier. I’m scared. I’m scared because I’m afraid that the past will come up once again. And even if I work hard to distance you from my father, it’s hard. But I’m also trying to understand what happened back there, where I decided that sleeping with this man became so much.” He dried the skin from the tears as much as he could with his fingers. “Don’t feel bad about yourself, you are working hard. But I am also dealing with my problems, and I try to differentiate what is what.”

“Thank you... for sharing how you feel with me,” let out the former chuunin. “I love you too, even if it doesn’t seem like it.”

Kakashi smiled, shaking his head. “I know you do, Sensei.”

He laughed. “But we both need time to get better, don’t we?”

“Yeah, we do.”

Things were not perfect – far from it – but to have time together was needed, even if it was to simply share laughs, thoughts or being side by side in silence, contemplating the world they had in front of them.

***

Iruka could not tell if it was fear or excitement that settled when they finally reached the gates once again. Because this time, he felt that something was now in his to decide, trying to understand clearly what was out there for him. Kyoshi had a point, all in all. The Will of Fire was not only for shinobis.

There was something off his chest as he walked through the city, holding his head high and taking the place he had rights to have as a Konohan citizen, Kakashi walking with him. They both ignored the looks and seemingly whispers. He fought hard to always remeber how everyone could be needed, shinobi or not. It was time that he took his chance that Tsunade had offered him.

As he sat in the cramped office, trying to deal with the heat faint odor of sweat, he worked hard to give a confident vibe to the tired man sitting on the other side of the desk. He was glad that Godaime had been able to offer him such of an opportunity, surprised even.

“I know that Lady Tsunade have certified us of your work as a shinobi teacher, Mr. Umino.” He adjusted his glasses, clearing his throat. “But you have to understand that shinobis – and I mean no disrespect to the hard work you are doing, far from it – shinobis lack some of the requirements we ask of our teachers.”

He frowned slightly. “I don’t think I understand, Yori-sama. I can’t have the job?” He tried to not let all of his hope down. What could a simple Academy asked so much compared to the Shinobi Academy? There were teaching children to kill and handle deadly tools, and you did not even reached all the aspect of chakra components and any part of Konoha and Fire country history.

A small embarrassed chuckle was mustered. “No, far from it! We are tremendously happy for you to join our board.” Damn it was hot in here. The Principal dried his forehead with arm before sliding a file containing different forms. “Just that before teaching here, we have to ask you to attend some adjustment classes.” His lips finally formed a small smile as he saw the so young veteran take a glance at the forms. It was going well. Sometimes, a few of them were so insulted that it was barely out of luck that he stayed alive, Yori was sure of that.

Iruka bit the inside of his cheeks. “But it’s only an history class, isn’t it?”

“Uh... Yes. However, as much as we don’t teach such difficult things as you must teach at the Shinobi Academy, the Civilian Academy push bases further. You see, each children of each Academy learn some basic requirements – such as writing, calculating – but one of them cut short, while the other goes further into the studies. What I mean is – even as respected as you are in the teaching field – is that you need to adjust your basic skills to what we will ask of you when you’ll evaluate the students.”

Brown eyebrows rose. “Oh, I can see what you mean.” Even though he hard a hard time clearly seeing what the man meant. It was true that some ninjas did lack in their writing skills, but as far as he knew, he had those right under control, even if his handwriting was not so clean as it used to be. Checking from form to form, he found the evaluation grid the bald man was talking about. He was impressed by such trivialities they were asking him to evaluate.

“I know this might be a bit new, Mr. Umino. But we will appoint you with one of our best to help you grasp everything.” He fiddled with his pen. “Are you still interested to join us?”

Iruka’s head shot up. “Yes, sure! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to seem so rude, it’s just a lot to take in.” He tried to smile, but he found out it was harder than he thought. Yhe way Yori-sama laughed at this made him forget his smile completely.

“No worry, I understand. Is your appointment with Atsushi Ichiro next morning too soon? We would really need you as soon as we can.”

What? “Atsushi Ichiro? Are you sure?” That could not be right.

Grey eyebrows furrowed. “Is there a problem? I certify you that the young man is suited for helping you. He was particularly adamant to be teamed with you.”

And as much as he shook his head and answered, “No, there’s no problem. Sorry for the inconvenience, Yori-Sama. Tomorrow morning is good,” he did not feel any reassurance in his words. Surely it was someone else.

It could not be the same Ichiro, could it?

 

 

 


	12. Chapter 12

 

 

Cooking an omelet for dinner seemed easier in his mind as he fiddled for the ingredients he had forgotten to add. His lips hurt from biting them, his hands were teaching him that no matter what he did to occupy his mind, it was futile. Growling, he shoved the spatula away, hearing it splatter on the counter as he rubbed his face.

Why couldn’t he just take it as a normal meeting, only a simple one to make sure he was on level for the teaching? Why would his mind repeat the fact that he would be meeting the little brother of his dead fiancée?

“Damn.” He breathed.. He was anxious, height on a scale of ten. Ruffling his hair, he rolled his eyes. Sure, maybe Ichiro would be angry, maybe he would spit at him, maybe he would never forgive him, but at that time, he couldn’t have faced him. He couldn’t. But even as he tried to convince himself of those words, he felt them slip away from him.

“Hey,” whispered Kakashi in his left ear, making him jump. “Sorry, I know you hate that. I heard some noise. Is the omelet giving you a war?”

Strong pale hands turned off the stove before hugging him, the right one trying to make it’s way under his shirt without insistence. Iruka let himself find comfort into his lover’s embrace, one of his hands touching a pale cheek, feeling the scar at the tip of his fingers. “Yeah, kind of.”

The jounin nipped the tanned shoulder with his lips, leaning his head in the crook of Iruka’s neck as he heard him sigh. “You want me to take over the kitchen? You can go relax on the couch while I make dinner.”

A shrug. “I don’t think it’s a good idea. I’ll just worry even more about tomorrow.”

“Hey, you’ll do fine. Do you want me to be checking out on you? I’ll find a tree and read the time away.”

Iruka chuckled. “A part of me says that it’s stupid, but at the same time I like the idea.” He turned, holding himself on the counter with his hands, facing the taller man with a small smile on his lips. “If you don’t mind, I would like it.”

A small grin. “Good then, I’ll be there.”

“Thanks.” Brown eyes studied gray ones, butterflies making their way to his stomach. He leaned toward Kakashi, feeling the full, hot lips against his, their bodies pressing against each other for mere seconds. It was only a small kiss, but he felt the forgotten, nice feeling growing in him, hair on his skin rising.

“Can I kiss you more?” was the only thing the silver haired man could breath out. Opening his eyes, it was not long before he closed them again as he saw the small, hesitant nod. Cupping Iruka’s jaw softly and kissing his lips once more with assurance, his other arm pulled the frail body in his embrace.

It was not a passionate kiss, not as Kakashi would have like. The way the chiseled lips barely followed his did not feel right, and as his hands moved to touch the soft but scarred skin under the gray t-shirt, he felt Iruka nudge him with his hands, asking for some distance. Fleeing eyes and biting lips was all he could see. “Are you alright?”

The former chuunin tried to hide his uneasiness, but he knew his lover had perceived it even before he tried to say anything.“Don’t. I- I don’t want this.”

What? “I don’t understand.”

He swallowed, shaking his head. “I just don’t feel it. You’re hard against me. I know you want something out of this, and I just can’t. Not for now.”

“Hey, hey...” The silver haired man took one tanned hand in his, squeezing it lightly. “It’s alright. I wanted to kiss you, nothing more. Even if my body is responding, that doesn’t mean I won’t respect your needs.”

He hated his head for turning this simple statement against him. But his head was good at doing this. “Do I respect yours?”

“I...” He sighed, scratching his forehead. Why did he turn it around toward him? “Yes, you are. Sure, I wouldn’t mind having sex, but if you don’t feel it, you don’t feel it.” Brown eyes studied the floor. “I know I’ve cheated on you... We can talk this through. I will tell you if I feel-”

The former chuunin let out a small growl. “It’s not necessarily because you cheated...” Iruka paced around the kitchen, crossing his arms on his chest. Why was it so hard to just say it? “I don’t want your hands under this... damned shirt!” was spat out, preferring to face the wall than the jounin.

And it dawned on Sharingan no Kakashi. He had understood his lover’s need to keep a shirt and hide himself whenever he had to, but he just had not realized to what extent. He hold himself against the counter, thinking his words. “I don’t know what to tell you, Sensei. ”

A faint chuckle. “There’s nothing to say.” He ruffled his hair. “I’m sorry. There are still so many things that I try to deal with.” He let his arms fall to his side as he faced Kakashi once more, feeling his muscles hurting from the stress. “I think I need to go rest a bit. Do you mind taking care of the rest?”

A small smile. “No, go rest. I’ll let you know once dinner’s ready.”

“Thank you,” Iruka whispered, bridging the distance he had made by pacing around, squeezing one pale hand gently. For a small second he stood there – and Kakashi wondered what it was that Iruka hesitated to do – and then let a small apologetic smile surface before he left.

Taking the spatula where Iruka had left off, he decided that a miso soup with eggplants would be better, scrapping the burned omelet away. Cooking a meal that he liked a lot would be nice, and somehow give him the impression that thza«ings were somewhat going well.

Not that they were all bad. Since they had come back, Iruka had try to take back what he had let slipped away for a while, even having the guts to go out and seek the opportunity for a teaching job. He had not been very talkative about what Blondie had told him, but the jounin had been able to join the pieces together and understood that his lover was seeking something more of himself than what he taken granted for so many years.

There were days where Kakashi felt that he was meeting someone new. The way Iruka would simply be talking about how Konoha was different than what they had experienced in their job, seeing a view of the shinobi village many did not. Not that Kakashi clearly saw what the former chuunin meant, but he tried to wrap his head around it.

Because he had to face it: the life they shared before would never be the same; Iruka was a veteran, but also a now a civilian. And the famous copycat ninja had now to let this new information into the way he lived his life. It was not just the shinobi world now. It was bigger than that.

***

The evening had passed way too fast to his taste, which had been even worse for the short night of sleep he had been able to get. Once he had finally closed his eyes, it felt like a second had passed and the morning was already settling. Putting on some clean civilian clothes, it felt weird to be going to an office meeting wearing something that did not feel suitable for work.

“You are not meeting any fellow chuunin, Iruka,” had said Kakashi with a smile. “Ranks doesn’t seem to matter- well, not with clothes, I guess.”

And Iruka had laughed at his lover’s puzzled face. And for a short while, he had felt secure about all the experiences he had gained in his life as a shinobi that he would be able to pull it off. Until he stood outside the office where he would be meeting Ichiro. Even if he knew Kakashi would not be far away, now the idea would not let him go.

What if the young man had pulled all of this as way to make him pay? To yell and make him feel incompetent? To let him know how he was an horrible human being for leaving him all alone in this unfair world that was the shinobi one? For taking the only person he had left in his life?

He jumped when someone pulled open the door he was standing in front for what it seemed like a little while. He had lost count of the time. “I’m truly sorry for scaring you, Umino-sensei!” Before him stood a young man in his twenties, bowing very low, dark brown hair that would have been cascading around his head if it had not been for the low ponytail.

“Uh, no, no!” He tried not stammering. “It’s me that is deeply sorry...” He bowed in return, not caring if they both stood like this in the alleyway, both sorry for – it seems – different reasons.

They stared at each other, none of them wanting to break the silence.

A small, hesitant smile formed, Ichiro taking his glasses in his hands, rubbing the bridge of his nose where they usually stood. “Come on in, Umino-sensei. I thought that you- we would have many questions for each other...”

“Yes, there are.” He was stunned; it took a small second for Iruka to enter the room. He had not expected this kind of gesture toward him. He took the seat Hikaru’s younger brother pointed to as he closed the door, Iruka noting how he had not lock it at the same time.

Green eyes studied back brown ones. “I- I wasn’t sure if you would remember me,” started the young man, searching for his words. “It’s been, what, more than fifteen years? I stopped counting.” A small, nervous chuckle as fingers played with a pencil.

He could not bring himself to smile. He did not know why he should be smiling. Because he was relieved? “And I thought you would be... angry at me,” breathed out the tanned man. Air seemed a little easier now to breath, his hands losing their grip on his black pants.

A grin. “I used to be. I won’t lie to you, Umino-sensei, I was pretty upset. For many years, in fact. How whom I had taken as my family had abandoned me? How could he even ki-” He stopped short. There still was in his voice resentment, and it made both of them nervous. “I... wanted to talk with you for such a long time...”

Brown eyebrows rose. “And here I am, waiting for you to yell at me, make me feel like shit for that...”

A bark of laugh. “But I won’t. On the contrary, I’m here to help you.”

How... “Why?”

“Well, I was very young when my sister died. I didn’t understand everything, but I waited for you to come back. And when I saw that you didn’t, I made my way around. I thought about joining the shinobi service to find you. But I wasn’t able to do the same as Hikaru. She was talented, something I never was. I was even more angry, but you know, as the years passed – and as my therapist told me – I understood that what you had gone through surely hadn’t been any easier than what I faced during those years.

“People do things, make choices. I had to make mine... and being angry all the time at a ghost of my past didn’t seem appealing, in the end. And, as I saw many of my friends in the shinobi circle, going to war, ending prematurely their life, that’s where I thought that you had lived the same way as them. And when I decided to find you, to have a chance to tell you that everything was alright, that I was alright and had made it in life, you were gone.”

Iruka was speechless. Hiding his shaking hands behind his brown satchel, he tried to clear his mind so his thoughts could make sense. “I am still so sorry that I wasn’t there, that I left you alone in this. But I didn’t know what to do at the time. I-I... killed your sister, you know that? Did they tell you the truth?”

Ichiro studied the papers standing on his desk. It always hurt to be told the words again and again. He had not search for people to understand his decision to let this horrible event go, nor did he ask of them to understand. “Iruka – if I can call you so – you effectively killed my sister. I asked friends of mine to search through your files. And – I won’t lie – I didn’t want anything less for you for a long time.” His lips tightened in a sheepish smile, as he saw his sister’s former fiancée pale. “But through the years and a lot of time to think, I decided to give you a chance to show me who you were, to understand where you stood. It’s not to say that having shinobi friends can be an eye opener for someone who can only watch from outside the ropes of the work.”

Iruka shook his head, his short ponytail dangling from left to right, he tried to get a grasp about all of what he just learned. “You... I...” Nothing could make any coherence even if he tried to voice his feelings. He felt the bottled emotions rise from within, moving in dangerous waves that he tried to repress by instinct. But his eyes watered without his consent; he could only bit his lips in stupor.

“I understand if you wish to have someone else to help you get the formation for your teaching. I simply took a chance to have this possibility to talk with you.”

His eyes widened. “No, no! It’s... quite alright!” He choked on his laugh. “I’m just... surprised of it all. How you could possibly come to terms with something that I feel was... inexcusable for you...” Ichiro chuckled. “But know that I did love her. I truly did...” he whispered.

“I believe you.” And it was true. He had seen the files. He knew about the type of work he had done, about the depression. His anger had left place to questions, then in sadness for the three of them. Because if his sister had live, maybe what Iruka was going through lately would have been the same as what the veteran was living. Words spread fast in a shinobi village, even if you were only a civilian.

Umino scratched his head, sniffling a bit as he tried to get any countenance. “Do you have any questions regarding... hum... what happened?”

“No, not really.” The young man stayed silent for a bit. He had asked himself many times what he would be telling Iruka. From his younger years when he just wanted to yell at him and blame him of all the pain he was feeling, to now where he had finally just let the pieces go and hoped for a chance to met him. “I just wanted a chance to let you know how I was doing. Do you have any questions for me?”

“There’s a lot to go through, yeah. Where do I start?” He crossed his arms on his chest, grinning.

The gray eyes studying the scene were lifted by small wrinkles. Kakashi was smiling, scratching pakkun’s head as the small pug rested on his thighs. He had found a tree nearby after leaving Iruka at the entrance of the small school, which his ninken had helped finding after doing some research on the young man.

“Are we getting him back?” was grumbled in a lazy voice. In the last few months, he had not shown much into their lives, partly because their was not a lot of work to do, but also because he did not feel of any help. He was glad to see how things were unfolding.

“I think so, Pakkun.” It was nice to see Iruka smile and seeing his shoulders relived of the pounds that were holding them down for so long. Maybe all of this was for the best, in the end. Maybe leaving the shinobi circle would do them some good.

If only it had not been for this Naruto shadow clone that showed up on their porch a few weeks later, maybe the relief would have been true.

***

The first meeting they had had been used for a long, long talk between them. Learning about each others’ live had been helpful, and it was with amazement that Iruka found out Ichiro’s work with retired veterans who were looking for jobs. Having shinobi friends who struggled to get back on their feet just after the Fourth War spoke to Hikaru’s brother more than he would have imagined when he had been just a child trying to wrap his head around the concept.

“When I heard about your return, I couldn’t help but think that if I could do something, I should. So it was through this small foundation that I was able to pitch your name in. I just made sure I would be able to work with you – that is, knowing you would want to...” Umino found it interesting to see how Ichiro would always have this timid smile when he spoke about his ideas.

Patience was a virtue it seemed the dark haired man was born with. The former chuunin was surprised at how he had much to learn, even with the grammar and the writing, to get to the low level he was going to teach. Where he had stopped learning to write, he had gained incredible knowledge in planning strategies, learning to fight, controlling chakra, shaping jutsus into form. And now, he saw the difference between the two; his writing – other than jumbled and scrawny compared as before – was only to a basic extent.

“Don’t worry, you have a greater knowledge than many of the veterans I teach!” had let out Ichiro with a smile. “You might still have a few mistakes, but I don’t think it will impair you that much. Your History class won’t focus on grammar, but we expect the teacher to follow this grid for the tests correction.”

There was so much new information he felt he had to cram into his mind, that the first evenings he would come back to Kakashi’s place he would be drained.

“You seem happier, though,” commented Kurenai, grinning.

“Thanks,” he muttered in embarrassment. Kakashi had invited a few people for the evening to congratulate Iruka.

“Cheers to Iruka-sensei, for your new job!” shouted Naruto, holding a small cup of sake. “You will be the best teacher of the school, that’s for sure!” The blond could not help but grin as everyone cheered up with him.

He was thankful for his friends to be there, from Sakura to Genma. He did not wonder about Kotetsu’s absence – he still had not find the courage to see him once more for now – but he did wonder about Sasuke’s.

Sakura’s eyebrows knitted together for a small moment in worry. He did not ignore the way Naruto lost his joyful expression. “He said that here is a lot of work to do...” was the only explanation she had. It was not too long that a bright smile lit up her features. “But he is very happy for you, and wishes you the best of luck for your next duty!”

“When are you starting your marvelous teaching job, Young Iruka!” The newly ordered teacher could not help but chuckle at Gai’s expression and thumbs up. He felt sorry to not have check on him further more as he had learn that the green clad man had had a lot of medical examination in the last months. Yet Iruka was glad to see he was still able to walk and move freely, even if it was now for shorter amounts of time.

“Next week. Ichiro-sensei thinks I’ll be good. I will still have some training to do, but I can start sooner than expected.” Which had been a nice surprise. Everything had seem to stand still for so long that it was nice to see projects going around.

Standing in front of a class would do him good, he was sure of that. Though not sure what was to be expected, but he did hope that it would also turn well.

“It will,” murmured Kakashi the same night, lying together in the double sized bed. “You were a fierce teacher, you will be once more.”

“Guess so,” he whispered back. Following the defined, pale torso with the tip of a finger lazily, he bit his lips. “The money is better too. Not as much as when I was in the force, but it is something.” His lover kissed his forehead. “I wondered... if you would mind if I got my own place once more.” The retired jounin stood up on his elbow, frowning. “Not that I don’t like it here, ‘Kashi! Just... I liked having my own place. I didn’t move out of it because I wanted to, more like I didn’t have a lot of choice.”

“I... see.” Kakashi looked out his window mere seconds, processing it. “Did I do something unwanted?”

“Not at all. Sorry if I make you feel like so.” His hand went to a pale one, rubbing his thumb on the calloused palm. He searched for gray eyes to look at him, with no success. “But it’s your place.”

There was a moment of silence. “You wish to be in your own things, don’t you?” He saw the small nod. “I liked having you around, that’s all.” He had forgotten how the former chuunin was an independent man. “What do you think about finding a place that feels like ours?”

“I will think about it.”

It was not a ‘no’, but it was not convincing when Hatake heard the tone of the voice.

***

Iruka was febrile. The classroom was old, but still looked in order, even if it suffered a bit from the different attacks the village had gone through. Checking the students list once more, he was waiting for forty students to attend his class. Forty students who he would not be teaching them how to throw kunais, channel their chakra, or even kill.

He had made sure he had everything that would be needed, when the first row of them entered the class, he had decided to occupy himself with writing his name on the board. The chatting was minimal, every one of them entering and taking their places while staring at him. Iruka was not sure if it was because of his clothes, or maybe its ponytail – he had not met any other male teacher with slightly longer hair yet.

When he looked at the clock, it seemed that each of them where sitting at their place. He stood in front of his desk, the sleeves of his blouse rolled up, taking in the fact that they were all sitting and ready to ask questions.

“Good morning, class. My name’s Umino Iruka, I’ll be your teacher for the time being. You can call me Iruka-sensei. Do you have any questions for me?” He wondered if his teacher senses had been wrong. A small hand finally went up.

“Where did you get your scar?” asked a small girl.

And it dawned on him. He was not sure how he should answer the question. He opted for the truth, hoping it would satisfy them. “From playing shinobi when I was a kid. That said, don’t run around with kunais at home.”

Another hand shot up as soon as he finished is sentence. “Are you a real ninja?”

“I... used to be. Now I’m teaching here.” A few hands went up. “Yes?” he asked a boy.

“Did you kill anyone? Because my mother say shinobis kill the bad guys.”

His eyebrows rose. “Okay, everyone. I will not be answering question regarding that kind of matter,” he saw more hands rising, “and that will be all for the questions today.” He scratched his forehead, searching for a headband that was not there anymore, and took his course plan. “So, as I can see, you were in the process of learning about the hokages. Someone can tell me what you reviewed since the beginning of the semester?” No children raised their hand, some of them looking bored from changing the topic of discussion. It was going to be a long day. “Let’s look at it from another angle, then. What do you know about the first hokage?”

The same small girl who had ask him about his scar shot her hand up. “He founded Konoha.”

Iruka smiled. “Yes. Nothing else?” For a moment he was afraid, but then hands rose once more, and he was able to dress a portrait of the general knowledge it seemed they had been given. And as much as he had been surprised by the lack in his grammar skills, he was surprised by the lack of specific knowledge of Konoha history. Which was, in the end, from each group of students that entered his class that day.

But even so, he could say that he felt at home when he heard the students grumbled when he asked for a small quiz to get to know each students knowledge at the end of the class. Bonus question: tell me something that you like. He could not help but be smiling at the end of his first day.

***

Kakashi had his eyes opened since a few minutes now, shaken out of his sleep by Iruka’s sudden movements. A nightmare. Both had their share of them during their sleep, but some were more intense than others, yet it had been a while for one them had been awakened by the other.

“Hey, Sensei,” he whispered, not daring to touch his lover, “wake up. Iruka... It’s alright.” Scared and terrified brown eyes took a moment to determine who was the threat by his side. “It’s me, Kakashi... You alright?”

He breathed out, closing his eyes a moment, turning to rest on his back. “Give me a moment, would you?”

“Sure.” There was no sound other than the buzzing fridge and his small alarm clock ticking.

The reassuring smile was not seen, but the comforting hand touching the skin of his arm was. “I woke you up, did I?”

“No trouble here. It’s not as if I was an heavy sleeper anyway.” He heard Iruka chuckle.

“You never were. You just lay there thinking that you’re fooling me.” He rose lazily from the bed. “Do you want a coffee? I don’t think I’ll be sleeping for a while.”

He would not have a lot of sleep, but he did not mind much. “Why not.” Ogling his lover leaving the room, he rubbed his eyes when light from the kitchen hit them. He heard the cupboard open where he hid his instant coffee for those kind of nights, then water filling the boiler.

“You know,” Umino’s faint voice could be heard, “I gave some thought lately on your idea of having ‘our’ place.” On gray eyebrow rose. He had? “And I think I-”

Iruka’s limping gait stopped as a loud knock was heard. It was not long that Kakashi was already out of his room, having put a shirt on and trying to attach his pants, walking toward the door. Eying the former chuunin – “Chakra signature?” the tanned man made the words on his lips without ushering a sound – he nodded.

“Kakashi-sensei! Iruka-sensei!”

The door opened to a wary looking shadow clone. His frown deepened. “Naruto? What’s happening?”

“It’s Sasuke. Naruto wants you at the Hokage tower as soon as possible.”

“Sure,” he growled. “Give me a second.” He disappeared for what seemed like maybe a minute for Iruka, as himself was thinking about taking his gear and getting ready for the action, before slapping himself mentally for his stupidity.

“Is he leaving once more?” had to ask the teacher, even if he knew the answer. He had to find something he could be useful for.

Sharingan no Kakashi was not less laconic. “What do you think,” came the curt answer. “I want the explanation of his departure on the way.” He stopped in his track, turning to Iruka, realizing that he would never follow him anymore on those kind of things. It was weird, but he had no time to dwell on the feeling. “I’ll let you know as soon as I have news...”

And as the door closed, Iruka was left there with two empty cups. He had heard the silent apologize in those ushered words. He was not a shinobi anymore, and his reflexes for searching his gear left him confused.

But he was a teacher, and he had to be ready for whatever the administration, the Hokage and the school would be asking of him and the students. Because civilians might have to live the repercussions once more, just like in the precedenting wars.

If he was not able to find rest, he could always take those useful hours in his hands, and prepare for the eventful day he was going to have.

***

“So, what do you think of that place?” Iruka smiled as he saw Kotetsu studying the place.

“I don’t know,” he drawled. “Pretty damn far from my place.” He saw his friend smile, making him grin. It was a nice apartment, he could not deny it. The farther they were situated from the Hokage tower, the lower the price was. “What does Kakashi think of it?”

“He thinks it’s not too bad. He preferred his, but he thinks there’s enough sun for Mr. Ukki.”

One dark eyebrow rose. “He still have this damn plant?”

Iruka laughed. “Yeah. Naruto’s gift. It means a lot.”

The spiky haired chuunin stood in the middle of what would be the future living room. “And what about you? Are you sure you’re at ease with this?”

Umino looked away, taking a look at the kitchen, and then through the window. “I think it’s only fair for Kakashi. He does his best everyday to help me. And maybe he’s right, you know?” He let out a small breath, looking into Hagane’s dark eyes. “An ‘our place’ might be nice. He agreed anyway that if I really don’t feel at ease, he would let me go get my own place.”

“Alright, then. I like your place!” He laughed as Iruka rolled his deep circled eyes. “Let’s go grab something to eat.” Leaving the newly rented place, they made their way toward Ichiraku’s. “I’m glad that you are doing better, ‘Ru.”

He shook his head, chuckling. “I’m glad too. I’m sorry if it took a while before I finally got around to check on you. Since last time had been a bit... awful, I wanted to clear some things first before bothering you once more.”

“I was angry-”

“You had rights to be.”

“- and you weren’t bothering me. I was bothering my own self.” They both chuckled. Kotetsu sighed, taking a look at his tired friend. “How’s Hatake keeping up?”

“I don’t know. He’s barely at home – which is why we haven’t move out yet. He would have wanted to help Naruto and Sakura, but they were adamant that it was better for him to stay here.”

“I bet!” spit out Kotetsu. “That Uchiha brat left once more, and since Naruto says he has to do something, the council chose Kakashi to take place until everything goes back to normal. I think...”

“Still working at the mission desk. Haven’t you heard anything?”

“Just that it’s not going well. Leaders talk, and it’s bad. No one is sure what Sasuke plans, or why he left. Maybe Naruto or Sakura might know, but I can’t say.”

“Hm. No surprise here.” Ichiraku’s was in sight and the smell of ramen made his stomach growl. “I miss being a shinobi, you know. As much as I like teaching those kids at school, it’s not the same. The whole community is different, in fact.” They took a seat, greeting Teuchi and his daughter, giving out their orders.

“But I’m glad that you are taking things back like this.”

He smiled. “Yeah.” He tried hard to have something that he wanted. Because even if he had made it this far, he would sometimes look behind him and find out how his previous life was missing. But this new one had its own challenges. Some parents were not sure about having a shinobi teaching class, others were quite happy to find out they were helping in different ways.

“How did the school administration take things?” Kotetsu took a bite of his pork once the fuming bowl was put in front of him, barely waiting for his friend to have his.

“Well, they wanted to know if I was being recalled to help in the service at first. After explaining things, they seemed glad that I was staying, and asked if I could help to support them by checking for any evacuation plans they had in case of an attack.” If he kept talking like that, his ramen would become cold. He struggled a little with his chopsticks, but he had found out a trick to hold them right with his hands. “Long story short, I’m now on the school board.” He laughed after swallowing as he saw Kotetsu raise both eyebrows defiantly.

“Got a raise at least?”

“Seems like it! I didn’t ask. I’m already glad to be where I am now.” He smiled back to his shinobi friend. “What about you?”

“Nothing much. A lot of shinobis have been put on missions. The other countries are moving fast, and we’re trying to keep things in balance. Kakashi has a lot of work ahead of him. The mission desk is crammed under a lot of work and papers-”

“I’m sure of that!”

“-and I would love if Kakashi put you back there only to give a hand.”

He shook his hand. “No thanks. He already asked. Sorry, Ko’, but I’m not interested.”

“Yeah...”

They finished – well, Iruka finished his plate in silence. In was not an uncomfortable one. More like that the years they had known each other did not need much more words said. “No, let me pay the bill, ‘Ko! I invited you first!”

He laughed. “It was nice seeing you once more, ‘Ru. See you soon, alright?”

Iruka could not help but grin. “Sure will! I’ll let you know once I move into my new apartment!”

 

 


	13. Epilogue

 

 

The wind was refreshing and it felt nice to be out of his classroom. There was a lot of work to do, and juggling between so many student groups and tests was much more work than he had thought at first. Holding one of his knees against his chest, he tried to relax, concentrating on chirping birds and moving clouds in the sky.

“Sorry that I’m late.” Iruka looked up at the hokage standing in front of him, taking his hat off to rub his forehead with a hand. “There was way much more work than anticipated today. The council wouldn’t let me go either.”

He smiled, rising from his sitting position. “Your robes seem hot. Wouldn’t you have prefer to change first?”

The taller man took the basket from Iruka’s hand, noting the apples filling it. “You’ve already been waiting for a while. I didn’t want you to think I wouldn’t show up once more.”

“No worry, I understand! You are Hokage, ‘Kashi. It’s a lot of responsibilities. Anyway, I’ve started without you. You still have yours to fill.” He grinned as he saw his lover frowned as he showed him the second basket.

Following the teacher to the next apple tree, he had to ask. “Is this truly an activity for students?”

Iruka laughed. “Yeah! I wanted to check out first what it was like, but apple picking is something they do around this time of the year. Something like to congratulate them for their hard work.” He grinned and shook his head at the bored look his boyfriend shot him, definitely not trying to hide it. “What! I’m not the one who decided! I would rather have taken them on a camping trip, or something outside on the field.”

Picking up apple was not the kind of activity Kakashi had thought about doing ever in his life. Still, he played the game, but it was not too long before he had enough apple for himself, not even filling half of his compared to his lover’s basket. But seeing Iruka smiling and chatting through the hours they spent in the orchard made him glad.

Brown eyes narrowed just enough to show slight suspicion from the long gray look they were given. “What are you smiling for, Hokage-sama?”

The jounin chuckled at the playful tone, wondering how the man he loved could know through his mask that he was indeed smiling. Maybe his ever growing wrinkles gave him away. “Nothing. You just seem happy... Are you?”

“I...” There were fleeting seconds where the sparkles disappeared, and Hatake was afraid for a moment to have ask the question. A rough smile took place on the chiseled lips. “I am, ‘Kashi. I work hard everyday for it. It’s not always easy, but I think I’m getting good at it.” He took one apple from the tree they were standing under, putting it in Kakashi’s basket. “How... I’m living right now is certainly not what I had expected. I always thought that being a shinobi was all that I would ever be.

“I never thought of the day where I would have to see pass this point. But... my life is not defined by it – I can have this Will of Fire and help people. I can be more than just a good soldier for this village.” He looked around him, before tracing his way back into his lover’s eyes. “Even if sometimes I do feel it would be easier to just be a tool.”

There were day where he would not understand why it had to be like this, why putting so much effort did still stand. Yet, seeing how much effort his boyfriend would put in everyday to keep war at bay and negotiate conflicts showed him he could not let any depression or anxiety take a hold of him permanently. He juggled with his illness as much as he could, even if some days would seem impossible compared to others.

He was still a shinobi on the inside, even if he was not working directly as one. It went farther than his formation, his skills and the missions he would do. Somehow, he felt that it encompassed many things this village was built on. It was a shinobi village, after all.

He took Kakashi’s hand. “Do you still have things to take care of at the Tower?”

“Not today. The council is driving me crazy; I think I need a day off.” He grinned as he heard Umino’s light chuckle.

“Well, if you’re heading home with me, let me show you my great cooking skills as I’ll try to do my first apple sauce!”

Gray eyebrows rose. “Pakkun will taste it first. You wouldn’t kill your Hokage, would you?” Kakashi barked a laugh as he felt Iruka trying to push him on the side with his shoulder.

 

 


End file.
